Respect Your Elders

Unreal gets in, um, touch with former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. Plus, a steamy local novel and an unloved aboveground pool.

3) When Connie finds herself in bed with Minneapolis hot tub salesman Freddy Blanchard, what does she think to herself?

A) "Champagne, strawberries and a Jacuzzi? I could get used to this. It sure beats the back seat of Ike's Ford Fairmont."

B) "He's making pig sounds, just like all the fat ones do. The moans got louder and louder. The sweat ran down Freddy's fat face and made the sheet damp."


C) "She was happy for the roiling water. The scars from her sexual-reassignment surgery were still fresh and she didn't want to lose a catch like Freddy."

4) On her wedding night, Connie tells her new husband she's tired and doesn't want sex. How does he respond?

A) "That's okay, Baby. We've got the rest of our lives to make sweet love."

B) "Well, welcome to the real world. It's different now. C'mon, Connie, can't you even pretend to enjoy it? Take this thing off!"

C) "Oh! I get it! Your dad buys you a new vagina as a wedding gift and you won't even share it with me!"

5) While having sex with Barnes-Jewish doctor Dennis Hancock, Connie notices he's about to orgasm. What does she do?

A) "'Slow down, Dr. Feelgood,' Connie said, stilling her hips. 'You just delivered my first baby — do you want to give me another?'"

B) "Her seduction had become a science. Grabbing a Dixie cup, she prepared to receive his sperm — DNA proof that it was Dr. Dastardly who'd impregnated her sister."

C) "Tears of regret in her eyes, [she] plunged the letter opener into his right eye and twisted it slightly, to make sure it reached its mark."


Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: Aboveground pool
Condition: Lightly used
Price: $100
Name/Age: Kim/46
Location: Bridgeton
Phone: 314-739-6707
Issue: September 7

Unreal: Ah, summertime and the swimming is easy. Getting many calls for your pool?

Kim: No. Not a one.

Could it be because Labor Day was, like, two weeks ago?

Yeah, I thought about that before I placed the ad. But I figured if we sell it now, we don't have to put it in storage this summer.

Why is that aboveground pools get such a bad rap? Aren't they just as wet and fun as other swimming holes?

I don't know, I guess it's a prestige factor. We bought it because our teenage daughters like to lay out in the sun and wanted a pool. But they hardly used it. They always went to their friends' homes who have in-ground pools.

Sounds like the pool was a bit of a mistake.

You're telling me! I should have gone with my gut instinct and never bought it. You have to test the water all the time and add chemicals and change the filters. Now that it's gone, we have a big dead spot in the yard.

And you intend to sell it to some other poor unsuspecting sap?

Oh, don't get me wrong. It would be great for younger kids, ages six to twelve. Plus, it's a real bargain. We bought it at Target for $189. I'm selling it for $100 with additional filters and all the chemicals. They don't tell you about those additional expenditures when you buy it.

From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.

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