Letters Column

Week of September 28, 2006

Feature, September 21, 2005

We were just wondering what our millions of readers want: Regarding Mike Seely's "Alley Cat," why don't you just say, "Somebody forgot to tell this corn-rowed nigger Emil Williams Jr. that bowling is for fat, beer-guzzling honkies"? I'll tell you why you wouldn't print that. Because then you'd really be accused of racism by a lot of people. Nowadays people have become used to the double standard that you cannot say the n-word, but you can call white people whatever you want.

Well, I am accusing you of racism against white people. Maybe there's some truth to bowling being dominated by a certain demographic. But does the color of a bowling fan's skin have anything to do with their validity as people or the hobby they like to pursue? By printing the word "honkies," you suggest it does, and I don't appreciate that. Cut the racism bullshit. The millions of us reading your magazine just want to be considered "people." RFT, you've got some explaining to do.
Geoff Koch, Valley Park

News Real, October 19, 2005

Hands off NOLA, you mean man! In regard to Tom Finkel's Tom Finkel's "New St. Louis," I am writing to tell you what a blazing idiot of a man you are. As a fifteen-year-old New Orleans resident who is currently staying with an unbelievably nice host family in St. Louis while my city is being rebuilt, I can tell you your article about moving New Orleans up the river "a few miles" is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. I've met nothing but incredibly nice people here, but I must say, you are an ignorant, mean man. You write St. Louis and New Orleans are similar in their gaming, with the Mississippi and Mardi Gras.

Mardi Gras!? You wouldn't know what Mardi Gras was if a drunken Zulu king hit you with a precious coconut. NOLA, unlike St. Louis, has a rich and diverse culture and history that cannot simply be "relocated." New Orleans will rise again and will be better (hard to imagine) than before. And then you'll wish you could just "relocate" down the river.
Chelsea Rivera, Glendale

Feature, December 15, 2005

What the hell, indeed: With regard to Chad Garrison's story, "Pray the Gay Away," when I relocated to St. Louis from California this past summer, I made a concerted effort not to look down my nose at the local yokels and their quirky ways. "They can't all be a bunch of inbred halfwits," I thought.

What the hell is going on in this city? You have repressed, barely literate "ex-gay" ministers trying to turn gay people straight and a Pride committee that would give Jerry Springer a wet dream. Missouri is a giant Baptist trailer park and the city of St. Louis is its meth lab. I can't wait to finish my Ph.D. at Washington University so I can get back to the real world.
Peter Cabrera, St. Louis

And don't let the door hit you on the way out! It is pity indeed that Peter Cabrera's academic record did not allow him to pursue his extended education in his home state. What a windfall for us "yokels" to have an individual of his keen wit and even-handed nature among us to point out our collective shortcomings. As everyone knows, California is the pinnacle of man's evolution and there are certainly no ignorant halfwits who call that slice of utopia home.

I wish Cabrera swift success in achieving his Ph.D. The world can't wait an extra minute for a man of his far-reaching insights to be unleashed from the insulated confines of academia.
Barbara Givens, St. Louis

Feature, January 5, 2006

...It's starting to smell...: The writer who once described Hanson as "uncompromisingly artistic," was not fired and has recently published her first feature article, entitled, "Brie Johnson Takes Her Shirt Off...and Thinks It's Funny." Or something [Julie Seabaugh, "Girl Walks into a Comedy Club..."]. Focused on Brie's struggle from Wal-Mart shopping to comedy fame, the article did less for female comics than Jerry Lewis. By her choice to promote a female comic who relies purely on shock value, she has confirmed what is already suspected: Women aren't funny.

As a female comic, I take personal offense to both Brie (I hope your tits shrivel up and fall off) and Julie Seabaugh (I feel sorry for anything that has ever been in your mouth).

Please do not misconstrue my intent. There is no jealousy involved. In fact, if ever asked to pose naked for an article about female comics, my response would have been, "Interview over and I hope your whole family dies." So in the future, Julie, try to read a book and get some taste before picking up that pen. You may be young and without enough experience to judge things, but the least you could do is realize it. Spare the rest of the pain of your misfortune. To get you started, there are two things you should look for in a comic: material and the ability to keep a shirt on.

Best of luck. You'll need it.
Andi Smith, St. Louis

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