Rounds Abounds

You'd think we'd learned our lesson from the Big Beautiful Brouhaha of 2005.

What's the best way to convince someone who's in the closet to come out? Perhaps threatening to take away his Hello Kitty backpack?

A gay man? Because most of the letters I get along those lines are guys who have had things placed in their anuses by a partner and wonder if that makes them gay. For instance a dildo, or a finger. Our response is always, "Being gay makes you gay." If you're not dreaming about a guy, you're not gay. Homosexuality in women is a whole 'nother animal. They're still trying to pin it down, biologically. But with men, if you show them gay pornography, they're gay. It's very simple.

Are you attracted to breast implants?

Dan Zettwoch

No, not at all. And I say that strongly, because we often get letters from wives saying, "My husband wants me to get them, and can you recommend a surgeon?" We can't recommend a surgeon, because you shouldn't get it. I can tell you based on the letters we get from male readers, they do not like breast implants. We always discourage women from getting breast jobs. I talked to the photographer, and 60 to 70 percent [of wannabe models] are just rejected because they got bad boob jobs. For the same reason, I don't recommend penis enlargements.

Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: Big Men's Clothes
Condition: Excellent
Price: $5 to $40
Name/Age: Rose/70
Location: University City
Phone: 314-863-0617
Issue: October 22

Unreal: Why are you selling a big man's clothes?
Rose: They belonged to my son-in-law. These clothes are from when he was "in shape" and weighed around 300 pounds. He was around 500 pounds when he passed away last December.
Heart attack?

"Hypertensive heart disease" is what they called it. He was a big, lovable guy — rough and tough and a big ol' cream puff.

How did he dress?

Very nice. These are what I call "uptown" clothes. Tom sold furniture to school districts and he dressed like a million-dollar salesman. He had custom-made sharkskin and pinstripe suits, size 48 and 50 shorts and pants and XXX-large golf shirts. Everything has the dry-clean tag in them. He sent everything to the cleaners.

Gotten many calls?

A few. I had a mother bring her eighteen-year-old boy over. I've never seen a kid so large! He couldn't fit in them. It was sad.

Will you sell the clothes to just anybody?

I think anyone this big could use some nice clothes. I imagine a guy who's down on his luck and needs a suit to go to church. But if someone offers me a couple hundred bucks for everything, I don't care who he is. Pretty soon I'm going to just donate them to the Goodwill.

From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.

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