By Jeremy Essig
By Jason Robinson
By Hans Morgenstern
By Joseph Hess
By Peter Gilstrap
By Julia Burch
By Jeremy Essig
By Nathan Smith
Remember back in 2000 when you kidnapped me from a Denny's parking lot and then drove me way out into the Illinois night? Am I still your bitch?
That will depend on how much of this goes to press. The answer is "yes" if 75 to 100 percent makes the cut, if 50 to 74 percent makes it to press then you are merely a puppet, and if zero to 49 percent makes it, then you are a proud feminazi with buckets of self-confidence.
Do you resent winning "Best Noise Band" in the RFT Best of St. Louis poll because you're not a noise band, or because you can't call yourselves the "Susan Luccis of the Music Awards" anymore?
This year was strange. I think in the same issue, we lost the RFT Music Award five years in a row! Beat that! but seemed to win the Best of St. Louis award. I think that's how it worked out. They never sent us a trophy or anything, so I guess we won. We also won the KDHX/ Playback awards this year, which we sell at our shows for $50 each. We have two in stock. The plaques don't have our names on them, so you could buy them and add your name if you want, and then you can pretend to be in the Best Noise Band in St. Louis.
Do you sometimes look at [guitarist] Christopher Dee onstage and think, "Man, I bet he's still a little sad about Dimebag being killed?"
We have to hug him often and tell him Dimebag wasn't a real person to calm him down.
Have you ever been so angered by [bassist] Jim Winkeler's supersensitive nature that you called him "Fragile Porcelain Winkeler?" Do you ever accuse him of being related to the Fonz?
No. No again.
When Tom [O'Neill, the drummer] got onstage with King Buzzo and sang "Smells Like Teen Spirit" the last time the Melvins played St. Louis, did you feel like you were watching the reunion of a long-separated father and son?
Tom's real father is Glenn "O'Neill" Danzig.
What Conformists lyric would you most like to offer as advice for your fellow man keeping in mind that these things have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass?
The only advice I would like to pass on, based on my many years of experience, is: Never, ever, never pass out hundreds of firecrackers to the audience. It never ends well. Paul Friswold
8 p.m. Saturday, November 25. The Ground Floor Club, 215 East Main Street, Belleville, Illinois. $5. 618-277-1026.