Somebody Buy My Crap!

Unreal's exclusive holiday gift guide.

From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." This week we focus on those extra-special gift items you just won't find in your nifty local mega-mall. May the holiday season bless you and yours with some really nice crap. We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.

For: Daughter or sister

Item: Holiday Barbie, 1994

Condition: Gently used
Price: $15
Name/Age: Pam/51
Location: South county
Phone: 314-846-5160
Issue: December 9

Unreal: How is the 1994 Holiday Barbie even more fabulous than the 1993 Holiday Barbie?

Pam: I can't tell you what the '93 Barbie looked like. But this one is dressed in a gold dress with a white fur collar. It's my daughter's doll. She has about twenty of them.
And how old is she?

Twenty-five.

Don't you think she's too old for dolls?

That wouldn't go over so well. She and her husband still play with Legos, and she has twenty Barbies. It's taken me a while to convince her it's time to let some of them go.

Were you worried these dolls would inflict psychological harm on your daughter?

No. I made sure she knew that Barbie's body is unrealistic and looks aren't the most important thing. My daughter was valedictorian of her class and has an IQ of 156.

So, she's fat?

No. She's more interested in fighting. She has a black belt in tae kwon do.

Is a slightly used Barbie the perfect stocking stuffer?

I know when I was a girl it was. The same goes for my daughter.

For: Family drama queen

Item: Dallas TV show collectibles
Condition: Mint
Price: $75
Name/Age: Miles/43
Location: St. Peters
Phone: 636-970-1790
Issue: December 9

Unreal: Tell us about your merchandise.

Miles: Oh, boy. I'd have to do an inventory. There are several Dallas novels, a jigsaw puzzle, board game, an album of the song "Who Shot J.R.?," a coffee mug, magazines and an empty can of "J.R." beer.

What did that taste like?

Oh, it was pretty good. Kind of like Milwaukee's Best but not as good as Budweiser.

Who would want this stuff?

That's what my friend asked me. I work at a body shop and one of the guys said, "Who would want that crap?" But I think there are pretty big fans out there like me. When I was a kid, I dreamed of living a life like on Dallas. I used to take pictures of the television set when Dallas was on.

What can the Ewing family from the show teach us about the spirit of Christmas?

I think they could teach us not to be so greedy and be thankful for what you have.

The true essence of the holiday!

Yeah, not to live life as a fantasy.

For: Collector and/or investor, eccentric aunt

Item: 100 TWA butter knives
Condition: Old, but new
Price: $50
Name/Age: Steve/44
Location: Hillsboro
Phone: 314-341-9876
Issue: December 9

Unreal: What exactly are TWA knives?

Steve: They're the butter knives the airline used to serve passengers their meals.

Why do you have 100 of these knives?

I just ran across them a year ago at a garage sale. I figured they'd be a good investment, because TWA no longer exists and airlines no longer serve their meals with real utensils. But you're selling them for 50 cents apiece? Well, yeah. I wasn't able to sit on the investment long enough. I need some cash for the holidays.

Why do TWA knives make the perfect holiday gift?

Because they're the gift that keeps on giving. Something like this certainly gets more valuable with time. They're great conversation pieces. Or you could give them away to friends in sets of ten. Maybe you could even make wind chimes out of them!

For: Mother or wife

Item: Evenflo dual breast pump
Condition: Slightly used
Price: $30
Name/Age: Megan/22
Location: Ferguson
Phone: 314-973-2807
Issue: December 9

Unreal: Why are you getting rid of your breast pump?

Megan: It wasn't for me. I think I only used it once. I bought it for $80. So I think $30 is a real bargain.

Why does a used breast pump make for the perfect holiday gift?

I think that a first-time mother without much money could appreciate it.

A lot of people leave cookies and a cold glass of milk for Santa Claus. How long does it take for breast milk to achieve room temperature?

I've never left anything for Santa before. It's been a while since I believed in him.

So you wouldn't suggest leaving him a nice glass of breast milk?

No, I think he's more of a 2 percent or whole-milk type of guy.

For: Grandma, medical workers, the incontinent

Item: Antique Ceramic Bedpan
Condition: Definitely used
Price: $25
Name/Age: Kathy/67
Location: West county
Phone: 636-527-8489
Issue: December 9

Unreal: How do we know your bedpan is truly an antique?

Kathy: If you looked at it, you'd know.

Yellowed?

Oh, no. It's ceramic and very clean. They don't make them like this anymore. It's probably 80 to 90 years old. I inherited it from my mother, who got it from her mother. My grandmother originally used it when she cared for my great-grandmother.

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