By Lindsay Toler
By Chad Garrison
By Brett Koshkin
By RFT Staff
By Lindsay Toler
By Riverfront Times
By Danny Wicentowski
By Pete Kotz
For this third annual installment of the Unreal News Challenge, we've added a few bells and whistles.
First off, we're not publishing the answer key to the quiz this week. Instead, we're supplying an answer sheet where you can fill in your best guesses. We'll run the answer key in an upcoming issue.
Why? So we can give out some fancy prizes, that's why!
That's right! The readers who achieve the best scores on this year's News Challenge will win special prizes handpicked by our hard-working, ethically upstanding, payola-averse staff here at Unreal Central.
Just take a gander at what we'll be giving away:
· A fine selection culled from the towering pile of (mostly execrable) books and DVDs we receive from publishers around the world!
· A half-pint of Everclear and a 40-ounce Colt 45 our art director bought for a photo shoot and then forgot to drink!
· A holiday grab bag of items culled from previous years' Best of St. Louis® photo props.
· Your very own Keep It Down! gift basket, personally selected for you by epicure/scribe Malcolm Gay!
And for the top scorer, the Grand Prize:
Somebody Buy My Crap will buy you some extra-special crap from an upcoming Post-Dispatch Bargain Box!
OFFICIAL RULES:There are no rules. (Except one: You'll have to arrange to come to the RFT offices in person to claim your prize.) (Make that two rules: Only one entry per household.) (Oh, and you have to supply a real name and phone number where we can reach you in the unlikely event you win something.) (And, yeah, we'll card you if you win the Everclear/Colt 45 prize.)
(Oh, and in the event of a tie or ties, we'll come up with something. And, you know, void where prohibited and all that.) Or save yourself a stamp! Take the test online at www.riverfronttimes.com.
B) As one of two finalists on ABC's The Bachelor
C) As receptionist Pam Beesly on the NBC sitcom The Office
D) As busty passenger Gina Stouffer in best-selling porno DVD Snakes on My Trim
Match the rap lyrics with the St. Louis hip-hop star:
3) "A bunch of rocks on my hand 'n' I ain't even own a block yet/Show 'em white gold sorta hold 'em like my Tims"
4) "Don't be actin' like that lil mama/Cuz I can leave you 'lone/Mix the lime with that Patrón/That's what we drinkin' on"
5) "I might just thump his ass, I might just jump his ass/He keep on bullshitting, I might just thump his ass"
6) "If I could call it a drink, call it a smile on da rocks/If I could call out a price, Let's say I call out a lot"
B) It was the worst of times.
C) If I were allowed to dance, I'd think I'd first learn the Percolator.
B) Marshall Faulk Foods & Meats
C) Faulk Steakhouse
B) The Amazing Johnny Rabbitt St. Louis Trivia Game
C) A New Religion in Mecca: Memoir of a Renegade Brewery in St. Louis
10) Which show is set to debut on Bud.TV?
A) Great Moments in Bud Pong
B) Masterpiece of Ass Theater
C) Replaced by a Chimp
D) Clydesdales and Their Humongous Junk
11) In December a Greek Orthodox priest was robbed of his gold crucifix at knifepoint on Hampton Avenue. What did the thief allegedly say as he demanded the necklace?
A) "Forgive me, father, for I am sinning. Gimme the damn rope."
B) "Who do you think you are, fucking Nelly?"
C) "All the prayers in the damned world ain't gonna get you back this bling."
B) Jigga This, Jigga That
C) Vice-President of Marketing
D) Co-Brand Director
13) Earlier this year the University of Missouri announced (and subsequently reversed) its decision that it would provide what in dormitory bathrooms?
C) Wire hangers
D) Piss Clean
14) What is a "carp cake"?
A) A food made from unwanted Mississippi River carp that can be fed to zoo animals
B) A crystal meth-concealing food product Missouri State Troopers discovered when they pulled over a refrigerated eighteen-wheeler on Interstate 44
C) A synonym for pendulous breasts that rapper Jibbs made famous in a song of the same name