By Danny Wicentowski
By Lindsay Toler
By Ray Downs
By Lindsay Toler
By Village Voice Writers
By Lindsay Toler
By Lindsay Toler
By Danny Wicentowski
For this third annual installment of the Unreal News Challenge, we've added a few bells and whistles.
First off, we're not publishing the answer key to the quiz this week. Instead, we're supplying an answer sheet where you can fill in your best guesses. We'll run the answer key in an upcoming issue.
Why? So we can give out some fancy prizes, that's why!
That's right! The readers who achieve the best scores on this year's News Challenge will win special prizes handpicked by our hard-working, ethically upstanding, payola-averse staff here at Unreal Central.
Just take a gander at what we'll be giving away:
· A fine selection culled from the towering pile of (mostly execrable) books and DVDs we receive from publishers around the world!
· A half-pint of Everclear and a 40-ounce Colt 45 our art director bought for a photo shoot and then forgot to drink!
· A holiday grab bag of items culled from previous years' Best of St. Louis® photo props.
· Your very own Keep It Down! gift basket, personally selected for you by epicure/scribe Malcolm Gay!
And for the top scorer, the Grand Prize:
Somebody Buy My Crap will buy you some extra-special crap from an upcoming Post-Dispatch Bargain Box!
OFFICIAL RULES:There are no rules. (Except one: You'll have to arrange to come to the RFT offices in person to claim your prize.) (Make that two rules: Only one entry per household.) (Oh, and you have to supply a real name and phone number where we can reach you in the unlikely event you win something.) (And, yeah, we'll card you if you win the Everclear/Colt 45 prize.)
(Oh, and in the event of a tie or ties, we'll come up with something. And, you know, void where prohibited and all that.) Or save yourself a stamp! Take the test online at www.riverfronttimes.com.
B) As one of two finalists on ABC's The Bachelor
C) As receptionist Pam Beesly on the NBC sitcom The Office
D) As busty passenger Gina Stouffer in best-selling porno DVD Snakes on My Trim
Match the rap lyrics with the St. Louis hip-hop star:
3) "A bunch of rocks on my hand 'n' I ain't even own a block yet/Show 'em white gold sorta hold 'em like my Tims"
4) "Don't be actin' like that lil mama/Cuz I can leave you 'lone/Mix the lime with that Patrón/That's what we drinkin' on"
5) "I might just thump his ass, I might just jump his ass/He keep on bullshitting, I might just thump his ass"
6) "If I could call it a drink, call it a smile on da rocks/If I could call out a price, Let's say I call out a lot"
B) It was the worst of times.
C) If I were allowed to dance, I'd think I'd first learn the Percolator.
B) Marshall Faulk Foods & Meats
C) Faulk Steakhouse
B) The Amazing Johnny Rabbitt St. Louis Trivia Game
C) A New Religion in Mecca: Memoir of a Renegade Brewery in St. Louis
10) Which show is set to debut on Bud.TV?
A) Great Moments in Bud Pong
B) Masterpiece of Ass Theater
C) Replaced by a Chimp
D) Clydesdales and Their Humongous Junk
11) In December a Greek Orthodox priest was robbed of his gold crucifix at knifepoint on Hampton Avenue. What did the thief allegedly say as he demanded the necklace?
A) "Forgive me, father, for I am sinning. Gimme the damn rope."
B) "Who do you think you are, fucking Nelly?"
C) "All the prayers in the damned world ain't gonna get you back this bling."
B) Jigga This, Jigga That
C) Vice-President of Marketing
D) Co-Brand Director
13) Earlier this year the University of Missouri announced (and subsequently reversed) its decision that it would provide what in dormitory bathrooms?
C) Wire hangers
D) Piss Clean
14) What is a "carp cake"?
A) A food made from unwanted Mississippi River carp that can be fed to zoo animals
B) A crystal meth-concealing food product Missouri State Troopers discovered when they pulled over a refrigerated eighteen-wheeler on Interstate 44
C) A synonym for pendulous breasts that rapper Jibbs made famous in a song of the same name
D) The main ingredient in a St. Paul sandwich
15) Which of the following music venues has not at least as we go to press shuffled off this mortal coil?
A) Sally T's
B) Mississippi Nights
C) The Hi-Pointe
B) The Franz Kline Awards recognizing outstanding local abstract artists
C) The Calvin Klein Awards celebrating area "Damn, your ass looks hot in them '80s-style jeans!" people
D) The Kevin Kline Awards rewarding outstanding accomplishments in local theater
17) The man after whom the Kevin Kline Awards are named won an Oscar for which film role?
A) The brooding alcoholic husband Ben Hood in 1997's The Ice Storm (Memorable Quote: "The only big fight we've had in years is about whether to go back into couples therapy.")
B) Pizza parlor owner Joey Boca, complete with spot-on Italian accent, in the 1990 film I Love You to Death (Memorable Quote: "When somebody shoot you in the head, it make you think.")
C) The obscenity-spewing con man Otto in the 1988 masterpiece A Fish Called Wanda (Memorable Quote: "You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.")
D) Nathan Landau, the sensitive lover of concentration-camp survivor Sophie (Meryl Streep), in 1982's Sophie's Choice(Memorable Quote: "Don't you see, Sophie? We're dying.")
Match the St. Louis ranking with the poll:
18) Men's Health magazine's "Angriest Cities"
19) Zest Body Wash's "50 Most Adventurous Cities"
20) National Coalition for the Homeless and the National Law Center on Homelessness & Poverty's "Meanest Cities"
21) Sperling's Best Places' "Migraine Hot Spots"
B) The Preakness Stakes
C) The World Series of Poker
D) Synchronized Swimming Invitational (Men's Individual)
23) In November researchers at Washington University made news when they announced plans to develop a "dipstick" test to check for caffeine in beverages. The test uses antibodies the scientists derived from which two creatures?
A) Camels and llamas
B) Chimpanzees and orangutans
C) Carp and catfish
D) Wasps and bees
24) What was Mike Shannon's call when the last out was made in the 2006 World Series?
A) "Swing and a miss! The Cards do it again! The Cards do it again! Nobody thought they stood a chance, but there you have it, folks: Miracles happen!"
B) "Swing and a miss! The Cardinals are world champions for 2006 as Wainwright greets the catcher and they mob the pitcher and catcher on the mound here at Busch Stadium."
C) "Swing and a miss! The Cards rout the Tigers and win the series for the first time in 24 years! Heh, heh, heh."
D) "Swing and a miss! Cards win! Cards win! Holy fucking shit! The Cards are world champions! Somebody get me a beer!"
25) In April Principia College senior Aaron Goldsmith purchased the first what at the new Busch Stadium?
A) Goddamn teddy-bear
B) Outrageously overpriced beer
C) Outrageously overpriced hot dog
D) Market-priced steroids
26) The announcement that Nashville singers Trace Adkins and Billy Ray Cyrus would sing the national anthem at the Cardinals' first two home World Series games this year was met with some, well...let's call it chagrin. According to the Wall Street Journal, who would have been one of classic rocker/skipper Tony La Russa's Oh, Say Can You Sing choices?
A) Meat Loaf
B) Sammy Hagar
C) Ian Anderson
B) Real life "Johnny B. Goode" Johnnie Johnson
D) Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry
28) On the morning of April 26, Miller Brewing hired a pilot to buzz arch-rival Anheuser-Busch's headquarters in an airplane. What words were emblazoned on the banner the airplane was pulling?
A) "Tastes bad, more filling"
B) "Miller Lite: 2006 World Beer Cup Winner!"
C) "Sire, Sire, Pants on Fire"
D) "Jay-Z is wack"
29) In October Cardinals players David Eckstein and Jeff Suppan, along with Mike Sweeney of the Kansas City Royals, identified themselves in a St. Louis Post-Dispatch print ad as "athletes with moral convictions" and announced their opposition to what issue?
A) The use of animal fur to make coats
B) The war in Iraq
C) Missouri's stem cell initiative
D) Steroid use in baseball
30) During arguments on the floor of the St. Louis Board of Aldermen in January, Alderman Freeman Bosley Sr. was quoted thus: "Here I am with my ten-year-old and they're playing some of the most foul music you ever heard. They're not playing Mozart. They're not playing Paganini. They're not playing anything that you would really want to hear." To what was Bosley referring?
A) A reunited Black Artists Group, which played dissonant free jazz in the City Hall rotunda
B) Drivers who cruise the streets jamming hip-hop at full volume
C) A city-sanctioned rave at Kiener Plaza
D) A Wiggles concert at the Fox Theatre
31) In February sixteen people were arrested on suspicion of stealing thousands of dollars' worth of equipment from Dick's Sporting Goods in Des Peres. Among those charged were members of which area sports team?
A) Fontbonne University chess team
B) Washington University lacrosse team
C) University of Missouri-St. Louis baseball team
D) Vashon High School basketball team
32) In March then-KTRS (550 AM) morning-show personality Dave Lenihan was kicked off the air for accidentally uttering an inappropriate remark about U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. What did Lenihan inadvertently call Rice?
A) "A nasty dyke"
B) "A gap-toothed tool"
C) "A stupid ho"
D) "A big coon"
33) In December a St. Louis man was shot by his wife after she became upset when he delivered her a warm beer. What brand of beer was it?
A) Schlafly Coffee Stout
C) Colt 45 Malt Liquor
D) Budweiser Select
34) Who is the superintendent of the St. Louis Public Schools?
A) Veronica O'Brien
36) Opal Henderson is being forced to relocate her business from just south of downtown after more than 50 years of operation. In its place will be a budding "Ice House District." What kind of business does Henderson run?
A) A brothel
B) A junkyard
C) A glue factory
D) A lead smelter
37) This past spring, Johannes Schnitter of Berlin, Germany, launched a protest Web site called www .budout.com, urging a boycott of Budweiser beer. What prompted Schnitter's snit?
A) He's a fan of the Czech beer Budvar, which lost a patent battle to Anheuser-Busch.
B) He was upset that Budweiser was named the official sponsor of soccer's World Cup.
C) He suspected that Anheuser-Busch had secretly altered the flavor of his favorite beer.
D) "I just can't stand this beer, which is now everywhere in Germany. I would rather drink the warm, salty sweat that drips between David Beckham's butt cheeks."
38) According to press reports, how many times has Dr. Alan Doerhoff, the doctor who supervised lethal injections in Missouri, been sued for malpractice?
A) "More than 5"
B) "More than 10"
C) "More than 15"
D) "More than 20"
39) In October which member of St. Louis hip-hop group the St. Lunatics was zapped with a stun gun after being pulled over for a traffic violation?
B) City Spud
B) A fully funtioning meth lab
C) An incarcerated suspect's wedding ring
C) Sol Starr
D) Doc Cochran
42) At the 22nd annual Mud Mania Festival in Jefferson Barracks Park this summer, more than 300 people developed symptoms of what malady?
A) Pthirus pubis (crab lice)
B) Escherichia coli (E. coli)
C) Candidiasis (yeast infection)
D) Folliculitis (follicle infection)
43) Who is Gwendolyn Faison and to what was she referring when she exclaimed, "You made my day! There's a new hope and a new spirit."
A) A downtown merchant relieved that the Ballpark Village development would come to fruition
B) A Wash. U. researcher pleased that Missouri voters passed a state stem-cell initiative in November
C) A Democratic adviser rejoicing at her party's triumph in Congress
D) The mayor of Camden, New Jersey, pleased that St. Louis dethroned Camden as America's Most Dangerous City
44) In October 27 people were stricken with the "Norwalk virus." Where were they when they contracted it?
A) Aboard the Mississippi Queenriverboat
B) In the cafeteria at Scott Air Force Base
C) At Busch Stadium, watching the Cardinals clinch the 2006 World Series
D) At a south St. Louis Taco Bell
45) How did Chaminade College Preparatory School seniors Jack McKinney and Tom Slattery achieve fame this year?
A) By being the youngest gay men ever to become partners in a civil union
C) By scaling the side of an office tower in Richmond Heights
D) By winning the men's eighteen-and-under International Double-Dutch title
46) In March local Chinese food deliveryman Hau Su was carjacked and stuffed in the trunk of his Toyota Camry while a fifteen-year-old girl and some companions went on a joyride. How did he alert police to his whereabouts?
A) He called them on his cell phone
B) He kicked open the trunk, made a daring leap out of the moving vehicle and flagged them down
C) He employed the trunk's release lever, cracked the lid and displayed a makeshift flag
D) He kicked through the back seat and overpowered the driver
47) With what offense was Timothy Lamping, son of St. Louis Cardinals president Mark Lamping, charged on the Fourth of July?
A) Shooting Roman candles at baseball fans from a Busch Stadium luxury box
B) Throwing bottles into a swimming pool from the roof of a neighboring building
C) Scalping baseball tickets outside Busch Stadium
D) Carjacking a Chinese food deliveryman and going on a joyride
48) In March the son of an ex-Cardinal appeared in an Esquire magazine fashion spread between photos of actors William H. Macy and Seann William Scott. Who was he?
A) Nikko Smith, son of Ozzie
B) Dan Shannon, son of Mike
C) Jared Van Slyke, son of Andy
D) Matthew McGwire, son of Mark
49) This year Atlanta-based Civic Strategies Inc. ranked 21 large-market newspapers for their regional and local coverage. Where did the Post-Dispatch land?
A) 1st place
B) 8th place
C) 16th place
D) 21st place
50) What is the Missouri Department of Transportation's "Funding Allocation Challenge"?
A) A controversial new Lotto scratch-off game whose proceeds go directly into the highway department's coffers
B) An online game in which players allocate cyber money to projects in order to better understand the department's challenges
C) A leaked department briefing that recommends diverting all 2008-'10 monies earmarked for the city of St. Louis in order to fund the impending Highway 40 project
D) A department-wide spelling bee that pitted employees against one another to see who was the best at correctly spelling street names throughout the state
51) How much is the planned Highway 40 rebuild, which will be the largest highway project ever undertaken in Missouri state history, expected to cost taxpayers?
A) $342 million
B) $535 million
C) $684 million
D) Your bottom dollar
52) This summer the Reverend Larry Rice announced his support for the idea of setting aside an acre of city-owned land for use as a permanent homeless village. What would Rice's neighborhood be called?
C) Freedom Village
53) In October a seventeen-year-old Jerseyville, Illinois, youth died after being Tasered by a local police officer. According to police reports, what was the youth screaming just before he was Tasered?
A) "I want Jesus."
B) "I've got a bomb."
C) "Take one more step and I'll shoot."
B) Ambassador to the United Arab Emirates
C) El Duderino
D) Assistant U.S. Senate Majority Leader
55) "It's going to hurt cheerleading," said Jennifer Graeff, Southern Illinois University-Carbondale's cheerleading coach, after the Missouri Valley Conference banned two cheerleading moves after a woman was injured. "The best analogy I can make is that this is like taking the three-point line away from the basketball team." Which two moves are affected?
A) The Herkie and the Cupie
B) The Basket Toss and the 2-1/2-Person-High Pyramid
C) The 3-Person High-V and 5-Person Tri-Hitch
B) As winner of A.G. Edwards' U.S. Youth Investment Championship
C) As a winner of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese's "Cheesiest Kids in America" contest
B) Tadao Ando
C) Hellmuth, Obata & Kassabaum (HOK)
D) Definitely not Frank Gehry, because Riverfront Times would nevermislead readers when it comes to the Greatest Architect in the History of the World. He has a great sense of humor, too. He's handsome, kind, gentle and not at all litigious.
58) What is the Morgan Quitno Press?
A) A weightlifting method that enabled televangelist Pat Robertson to leg press 1,300 pounds
B) The publishing house responsible for naming St. Louis the nation's most dangerous city
C) St. Louis-based porn publisher with titles such as Hot 'n' Greasy and Ridin' Dirty
D) Joyce Meyer Ministries' publishing arm
59) In October nationally syndicated radio host Rush Limbaugh was criticized for comments he made regarding a campaign ad that Michael J. Fox, who is afflicted with Parkinson's Disease, made for Claire McCaskill. What did Limbaugh say?
A) "Look at him. It's like he's doing John Ashcroft's version of the Percolator. Somebody should give him an Oscar. This is the performance of a lifetime."
B) "You know what would help him with those symptoms? A few tabs of mighty Oxycontin."
C) "I know a couple of people who have Parkinson's, and I have never seen them act in any way like that. He's clearly exaggerating."
D) "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act."
Match the local city official with the indiscretion:
60) Former Kirkwood deputy mayor Thomas J. Noonan
63) Former St. Peters mayor Tom Brown
A) Revoking a liquor license as retaliation for an outspoken business owner
B) Stealing $73,000 from his employer, Zip Mail Services Inc.
C) Plotting the murder of a witness
D) Illicitly purchasing oxycodone
64) Which of the following is not owned by Anheuser-Busch?
A) Rolling Rock
B) Stone Mill Pale
C) Hurricane Malt Liquor
D) Boulevard Wheat
65) Brian G. Sparks of Florissant admitted in U.S. District Court that he had bilked businesses out of about $18,000 worth of electric guitars and music equipment by posing as which Grammy-winning guitarist?
A) Joe Satriani
B) Steve Vai
C) Eric Johnson
D) Yngwie Malmsteen
66) State Senator Bill Alter of High Ridge, at the suggestion of an eleven-year-old girl, introduced legislation that would bar grocery stores from selling what?
A) Individually packaged beer or beer that is refrigerated below 60 degrees
B) Wine with an alcohol content above 12 percent
C) Gay-themed pornography
B) A kilt
C) A nose ring
B) Paris Hilton
71) St. Louis Swarm
72) Missouri River Otters
A) Indoor football
73) Last year SabaH shuttered its New York City location to open in the Bevo Mill neighborhood. What is SabaH?
A) The nation's largest Bosnian-American newspaper
B) A world-famous Bosnian eatery
C) A human-rights organization that protects the interests of Bosnian Americans
D) The world's largest manufacturer of backyard smokehouses
74) Which municipality was cited by author Dave Gilmartin in his book The Absolutely Worst Places to Live in America?
A) St. Louis, Missouri
B) Pine Lawn, Missouri
C) Festus, Missouri
B) It unilaterally declared all forms of stem-cell research to be cloning and warned that violators would be charged with "crimes against humanity."
C) Its city council passed an ordinance prohibiting more than three people from living together in a single-family residence unless they are related by "blood, marriage or adoption"
D) It made the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest-ever game of blackjack, with 2,134 players.
Match the politician with the office he or she won in the November elections:
76) Claire McCaskill
77) Mike McMillan
78) Susan Montee
79) Jeff Smith
A) St. Louis License Collector
B) State Auditor
C) State Senator
D) U.S. Senator
80) According to AutoVantage, an automobile club, St. Louis drivers are among the nation's most courteous. Where does the city rank?
B) The first baby cloned under Missouri's stem-cell initiative
C) The recently announced Libertarian candidate for president of the United States
C) The Checkerdome
D) Scottrade Center
84) St. Louis Rapper Jibbs' "Chain Hang Low" borrows its melody from which traditional song?
A) "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"
B) "Zip Coon"
C) "Old Folks at Home"
D) "Moon River"
85) In December Chesterfield resident Hellen Carpenter offered up for auction items she inherited from her famous grandfather. Who was he?
A) Dr. James Naismith, creator of the game of basketball
B) Charles Darrow, who copyrighted Monopoly
B) Sean Casey
C) Brandon Inge
87) Where did 2006 National League Most Valuable Player Ryan Howard attend high school?
C) McCluer North
Match the book with the local author:
89) Setting the Table
90) The Discomfort Zone
91) One Fine Stooge: Larry Fine's Frizzy Life in Pictures
A) Stephen Cox
C) Danny Meyer
D) Jonathan Franzen
92) "It is much bigger and better than what was originally talked about," St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay said at a news conference in October. To what was Slay referring?
A) St. Louis' shocking population gain, as reflected in revised census figures
B) The proposed hospital complex to be constructed on city-owned Forest Park land
C) A newly designed floating McDonald's that promises to revitalize the St. Louis riverfront
D) The proposed Ballpark Village project adjacent to Busch Stadium
93) In 2006 St. Louis lost three of its most famous blues legends. Which is still among the living?
A) Henry Townsend
B) Barbara Carr
D) Bennie Smith
94) Which local men's store was named this year as one of Esquire's "Finest Men's Specialty Stores in the Country"?
A) Gus's Fashions
B) Sam Cavato
D) Level 1
95) This past spring the Gateway Grizzlies debuted a new menu item, "Baseball's Best Burger," at their home opener. What are the ingredients?
A) A hamburger, two strips of bacon, and cheddar cheese served between two halves of a glazed doughnut
B) A hot dog cut lengthwise and served between two hamburgers with a dollop of macaroni and cheese on a pretzel-dough bun
C) A hamburger, two slices of fried bologna and a spoonful of cole slaw, served between two halves of an apple fritter
D) A hamburger with cheddar cheese and Canadian bacon sandwiched between two slices of pepperoni pizza
96) Area pianist Peter Martin performed at this year's Oscar ceremony after appearing in what nominated film?
A) Walk the Line
D) Good Night, and Good Luck
97) What is the name of Grammy-winning St. Louis rap artist Murphy Lee's reality show?
A) Da Breakz
C) Da Grind
B) Floyd Irons
C) Diana Bourisaw
C) Halle Berry
D) Jessica Alba
100) What did former Wizard of Oz Munchkin Mickey Carroll finally receive this year?
A) A presidential pardon after he was wrongly convicted of embezzling money from the Little People of America
B) A $423,000 check for residual payments
C) A star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
D) His black-and-white striped costume, which he claimed was willed to him by the single-named Wizard of Oz costume designer, Adrian