Must Love Dogs

Misty wants your affection (um, not that kind). Plus, one St. Louis man teaches us how to come back from vacation alive, while another reveals our dishonesty.

M's prowling Craigslist's personals for F's have encountered gold diggers, venoms in denim, drama mamas, banshees, vixens and femme fatales — not to mention the occasional tranny and she-male. Though savvy Netizens are well aware that the regular perusal of easy lovin' will inevitably uncover some real dogs, guys can reasonably expect not to encounter any real dogs, right? Uh-uh, because that's exactly what happened to men who responded to a Craigslist ad entitled "Ready to have fun."

"Attractive, fun-loving brunette seeks a long-term relationship," starts the post, which can be found in the women-seeking-men section at "I've had a rocky past that I want to put behind me. I was kicked out of the house when I was young and pregnant (my babies were taken away from me and I haven't seen them since).... I've felt so alone and abandoned, I'm ready to start living and having fun."

The 60 local horndogs who responded were directed to a MySpace page,, where they were introduced to Misty, a brown pit bull who lives in Northampton County, North Carolina: "I may look different than you had expected, but I still need your help."

Mike Gorman

In her snaps Misty looks miserable, tethered to a rope inside what looks to be an overturned plastic garbage can. In her profile, she "writes": "I am chained 24-7 in my 'owner's' backyard. As you can see from my photo above, I was born with a birth defect — my legs are severely bowed — sometimes it's uncomfortable for me to stand or walk (although I don't walk much since I am chained around the clock and have not much room to move). Despite my condition, my 'owners' have bred me to sell my puppies."

If you haven't already guessed, the stunt comes courtesy of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which posted the ads in cities nationwide in late November. So far 250 men have responded.

"We're trying to shed light on the plight of chained dogs," says Daphna Nachminovitch, director of PETA's domestic animal department. "Man's best friend shouldn't spend their lives eating, sleeping, urinating and defecating in the same patch of dirt, day after day."

The goal wasn't to find someone to adopt the dog, as Misty's owners, er, guardians, have no intention of parting with her, says Nachminovitch. (She says they gave her permission to take the pictures, though.) As for the bestiality implications, reports Nachminovitch:

"Thankfully, it didn't go down that road. Although Misty could certainly use a good walk."

Finders Keepers, Losers Tapers

If you happened to pick up a lost wallet in Belleville recently, beware: Paul Kinsella was probably watching. A cartoonist and Webmaster, Kinsella spent the bulk of September planting wallets around the east-side suburb, then holing up with a hidden camera to see what happened.

He planted 100 wallets in all. Inside was $2.10 in cash, a pinch of dirt, a broken toothpick (to give the wallet a "lived-in feel," Kinsella says), a fake $50 gift certificate ostensibly redeemable for cash and Kinsella's contact information.

Kinsella posted the results of his sociology experiment at, one of his (many) Web sites, complete with colorful pie charts and links to

"I gave them enough rope, [but] it was up to them to hang themselves," explains Kinsella, who lives in neighboring New Athens.

Only 26 percent of his subjects went to the figurative gallows.

Not surprisingly, older finders were more likely to return the wallets than their younger counterparts, the amateur sociologist reports.

What did surprise the latter-day Levi-Strauss? The racial breakdown, for one thing: 79 percent of white wallet finders were "honest" — Kinsella's designation for people who return the wallet (as opposed to the "dishonest" people who "steal" it) — versus 57 percent of blacks.

"I didn't think the difference would be so profound," says Kinsella, though he hastens to add, "I'm a big fan of science, but I'm not exactly sure what the scientific method entails."

Among Kinsella's less hot-button findings: Women (86 percent) are more "honest" than men (61 percent).

That was another surprise. "I thought that there were more men in prison than women because men are aggressive and we do more things. Like: Women want to rob banks and liquor stores but they just don't have the guts.

Adds Kinsella: "My faith in penises has definitely gone down."

"Bryan," who called Kinsella seeking to redeem the $50 gift certificate, which he said he won in a poker game, appears to have been one such dick.

Naturally, Kinsella recorded the conversation and put it on his Web site.

As Bryan spins his poker story, Kinsella plays along: Whoever used the gift certificate is likely the thief, he tells Bryan. "What kind of a scumbag would do a thing like that?" he adds. "I wish those kind of people would just drop dead. How can they take advantage of good people like you and me?"

"That's bogus," Bryan commiserates.

"That's totally bogus," Kinsella agrees. "I hope guys like that burn in a lake of their own vomit in Hell."

"Yeah," says Bryan. "I'm out $50."

Gotta Have Hart

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