King's Cups

Unreal gets tipsy on premium cocktails, then asks a bunch of questions about beer bellies and white weddings.

That's not why I started the study. I do a lot of research on multicultural issues. It really just started when Oprah put herself on the front cover of a magazine simply because she was tired of not seeing "black folk," as she called it, on front covers.

Few brides in these magazines were old ladies, men or animals. Does that speak to ageism, sexism and anthropomorphism?

It probably does, but it might convey the subtle message that black women aren't interested in getting married. We found that black women not only come in at the same rate to get wedding dresses, but their wedding parties are larger, and they definitely are reading those magazines. Dogs don't get married — that's not realistic.

Mike Gorman

Why is it that white women go to tanning booths to try to look black, black women straighten their hair to try to look white, and men pluck their eyebrows to look like women?

I did a study two months ago that showed that everybody, black or white, has a preference for a certain skin color, a baseline. The tan, the medium brown.

Why do women at bachelorette parties always wear plastic penises on their heads?

Ahhh! I don't know, I've never seen that. I'll have to come to [Laclede's Landing] and check it out.

Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: Christmas Story Leg Lamp
Condition: New
Price: $150
Name/Age: Dave/64
Location: Collinsville
Phone: 618-345-1748
Issue: January 8

Unreal: OK, so with TBS running 24 hours of Christmas Story each year, the movie has become something of a holiday tradition. But aren't you a month late in selling your lamp?

Dave: Yeah. This is the slow time of the year. We usually sell them on eBay, but my wife thought the "Bargain Box" might be a good way to get rid of extras.

You make these lamps?

It all started four years ago. My son is a huge fan of the movie, so we decided to get him one of the lamps for Christmas. We went online and came across someone selling six mannequin legs. I thought, ‘Shoot, I can make these myself.' We made my son a lamp and sold the other five on the Internet.

Is it a lucrative business?

Well, it pays. The next year I ordered 120 legs, 60 pairs of patent-leather shoes, 60 pairs of fishnet stockings and enough fringed lampshades for all. It was like Santa's workshop over here. I was exhausted.

Do you still get a thrill putting on the stockings?

Oh, no, my wife does that. She's sort of like one of Santa's chief elves. Actually she's bigger than that. She's the boss of this outfit.

What's you're favorite scene in the movie — or do you just hate it by now?

Of course, I enjoy the scene when the lamp arrives. I send my lamps out in a box marked "Fragile" just like the movie. I also like when the boy gets his tongue frozen to the metal pole.

Any plans to add metal poles to your list of wares next year?

No. But that's not a bad idea. They sure would be a lot easier to make.

From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.

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