The Unreal Guide To Soulard Mardi Gras

1803
France sells Louisiana to Americ
A. "Louisiana" in this case means everything west of the Mississippi River. This is essentially why St. Louis claims Mardi Gras as its own right here: The real Mardi Gras is in New Orleans, which is in Louisian
A. This used to be in Louisiana, hence we must be New Orleans also, so we get to have Mardi Gras. It's the sort of behavior anyone with a little brother will recognize right away and call bullshit on, but hey — look at those tits over there!

Where There's Smoke, There's Cayenne

It Helps To Know Something About What You're Stuffing In That Piehole Of Yours

BASICS
Cajun cuisine has its origins with French-speaking, washboard-banging white people who were kicked out of Canada and resettled in the uninhabited swamps of Louisian
A. Not much of a chance of getting kicked out of there, huh? Creole is the cooking of former Caribbean slaves, many from Haiti, who first made New Orleans a "chocolate city," practiced voudou and invented jazz. Generally, if it's Cajun, it's made with a "roux" (pronounced "roux"), which is white flour burnt in some hot grease and therefore is brown in color. If it's Creole, it uses tomato (pronounced "tomahto" [Ed: no, it's pronounced "tomato"]), which makes it red. The main flavoring of each cuisine is cayenne pepper.

Crayfish
Pronounced crawdad. Sure, they live in that drainage ditch down the block. You could go down there and catch some. You'll get wet. And pinched. And you won't catch many, for all your trouble. Fortunately for you, a whole lot more of them live in those Cajun swamps and Cajuns don't mind getting wet or pinched all that much. Some people suck the heads. You can recognize those people by their "I suck heads" T-shirts.

Etoufee
Pronounced etoufée. A creole dish that cleverly masks the flavor of crawdads with butter, tomato and, of course, cayenne pepper.

Tasso
Pronounced tasso. Basically ham. Tastes a little different from the ham you're used to, but you'd never know, because you'll probably only find it in dishes flavored with cayenne pepper.

Gumbo
Pronounced like that big-eared elephant, but with a "G." Made with pretty much whatever's in the garden (okra, bell peppers, onions, crawfish), plus debris from the latest hurricane. A spicy soup (thanks, cayenne pepper!) whose best feature is that it keeps Louisiana residents warm inside their FEMA trailers.

Jambalaya
Pronounced goodbye Joe we gotta go me-oh my-oh. See "gumbo." Add rice. And tomato. And cayenne pepper.

Andouille
Pronounced andouille. A Cajun hot-dog-like thing. Often thrown in gumbo, jambalaya or the dog's dinner bowl. If you're cooking any of these dishes at home, you can pretty much substitute kielbasa with no harm done.

King Cake
Pronounced king cake. The only dessert (except a Minnesota Vikings versus Green Bay Packers sheet cake from Sam's) that's intentionally made with purple, gold and green icing and baked with a small plastic baby inside. Origins say it has something to do with the three wise men visiting the baby Jesus; less popular theories speculate that choking is a surefire way to perk up any party.

Hurricane
Pronounced hurricane. The pinkish-red drink is served in yard glasses that can also be used to simulate sex acts. They were traditionally made with rum, but hurricane connoisseurs now agree that they're best when made with Southern Comfort. Mmmmm, Southern Comfort: the official taste of Soulard Mardi Gras.

Cajun Toasted Ravioli
Pronounced cajun toasted ravioli. Made by enterprising St. Louis line cooks who want to try something a little more festive this time of year, the usual beef-like filling is replaced by leftover crawdad parts. They're then breaded and dusted with McCormick's Cajun Seasoning (and cayenne pepper).

Alligator
Pronounced alligator. The crocodile's less-exotic, less-endangered cousin. They live in zoos or sewers and though they could theoretically rip a person to shreds, they usually just sit there. Only trained zoologists can tell for sure if they're dead or alive. A good sign they're dead is when they take on the forms of purses, belts or alligator bites — the latter an appetizer that tastes like chicken, but in an alligator kind of way.

Catfish
Pronounced catfish. Ugly but popular fish that's harvested out of the Mississippi Delt
A. Here, they're found in the Mississippi River and in lakes statewide, including the Lake of the Ozarks, where they subsist exclusively on a diet of used condoms and beer cans. You're damn right they taste fishy. What kind of a question is that?

Tabasco
Pronounced tabasco. A popular hot sauce generally employed when the chef has exerted too light a touch with the cayenne pepper.

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