Meica Mini Wini Cocktail Sausages

Sipping my morning coffee while browsing through the e-mail that has accumulated overnight in my inbox, I come across a challenge: "Don't be left out, join millions of men in the revolution."

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Global Foods Market

421 N. Kirkwood Road
Kirkwood, MO 63122

Category: Retail

Region: Kirkwood

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Seen a foodstuff you're too timid to try? Malcolm will eat it! E-mail particulars to keepitdown@riverfronttimes.com

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• Yahir Hall

Millions of men revolting? I could be left out? This I have to see!

As I read on, though, I realize that the sender, one Yahir Hall, isn't really asking me to join a revolution. In fact, it becomes pretty evident that Yahir doesn't think much of me, my manliness or even my preference for clear syntax.

"Over a several millions men have been helped with the potent ingredients in Pen-is Growth Patch — men have experienced bigger size, deeper penetration more action," writes Yahir. "Don't be left behind!"

Revolutionary? Not so much.

Revolting? Very much.

Yep, for most men with a DSL connection, the Internet has been a boon. Google makes us appear smarter. MapQuest obviates the trifling need we once may have had to ask for directions. But for all of its power, the Internet also delivers each morning a barrage of schoolboy taunts reminding us that, professional and personal accomplishments notwithstanding, we still don't measure up.

"Can't have sex all night long?" they chide. "You're only half the man you could be!"

Oof! With this sort of daily abuse, what man would ever buy a jar of Meica Mini Wini Cocktail Sausages?

Imported from Germany, a Meica Mini Wini is about the size of your middle finger from top joint to tip. It has a somewhat smoky, porky taste. But as in the world of pick-up trucks, so it goes in the wiener world: size matters.

A Meica Mini Wini Cocktail Sausage is so minute that its casing-to-wiener ratio is all out of whack. They've got a lot of surface area and very little volume, so instead of acting as a resistant counterpoint to the wiener's tumescent interior, the casing on a Meica Mini Wini Cocktail Sausage overwhelms the weenie, imparting to the entire sausage a plastic, petrochemical consistency and flavor to match.

Oh, I suppose it might be OK topped with a water chestnut, wrapped in bacon and skewered on a toothpick, but as a delicacy to be plucked from the jar? This weenie needs one of Yahir's growth patches.

That's not to say it doesn't emit gustatory hints of its ballpark-frank provenance. (It does.) But biting into a Meica Mini Wini Cocktail Sausage remains an unsatisfying experience. Maybe that's because even after eating a dozen mini winis, you know deep down that a Meica Mini Wini Cocktail Sausage is only half the weenie it could be.