Unreal spends time with lovely Swedish...bridge players.

Then, one reader takes the St. Louis Public Library to task, while another brings home a tasty bowl of spicy bull penis.

Loveless is anything but sex-negative. After posting fliers around south St. Louis in search of performers, she and her group set about developing their shtick.

Characters include Boi Bella and Fanny Smack, whose moniker is derived from her penchant for fanny packs. She does indeed spank people, she says, but only after getting their consent.

For the record: We resist the temptation.

We're tempted again when Loveless offers to sell us her stripper pole. "It's a nice pole," she says. "It's brass, so it warms up fast, and it spins on ball bearings."

We're sex-positive as all get-out, but we can't fathom how to explain it on the expense report.



Local Blog O' the Week

"The Beautiful Kind"
www.thebeautifulkind.com
Author: The Beautiful Kind
About the blogger: The Beautiful Kind is a 34-year-old atheist mom who hates her job, is writing a book, and has a passion for sock monkeys and sex.
Recent Highlight (February 15): Cock n' Bull

The other day I went to my favorite Chinese restaurant, Asiana, with a friend of mine who is Chinese. The plan was for him to order all kinds of exotic vegetarian food for me to try. When we sat down I told J, "One of the reasons why this is my favorite Chinese restaurant is because they have BULL PENIS on the menu."

"What? Really?"

"Yes! Look!" I pointed it out to him.

"I'll get it."

"NO WAY!"

"Oh, sure. Chinese Food Fear Factor. I've had dog before. And there's this dish called The Duel of the Tiger and Dragon that has cat and snake in it. "

"WHOAH." I'm used to just being grossed out by people eating bacon and steak!

When the server came to take our order, I silently hoped J would order in Chinese, and he totally did, and it was totally hot.

He ordered "greasy stick," which are like unsweet long johns you dip in sweetened, warm soy milk, this melon dish that reminded me of cucumber, diced tofu and 1,000 year old egg (they used to cure the eggs in horse urine, now they just use lye), a beautiful seaweed and egg soup I called "mermaid soup," and for himself, the bull penis and a soup with intestines and pig blood. (Now for all of you going ewww right now, please bear in mind that pepperoni is nothing but blood, fat, and salt, and that bologna has cow vagina in it.)

We ate our food and I alternately freaked out over all the amazing flavors, and by the bull penis sitting next to me on the table. There was a lot of food we had to work our way through, so finally I said to J admonishingly, "You haven't even touched your penis yet."

He told me he would wait until we got to my place to eat it, so I could get a picture. Yessss! So here it is (yes, the Mary Engelbreit bowl is deliberate. I suppose Mary imagined oatmeal with raisins in that bowl, not spicy bull penis):

He said it was good. I'm just wondering one more thing: now that he's eaten this dish, does that make him gay? Or just bull-curious? Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

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