In It to Win It

Unreal talks ponies with a true racing expert, learns some things about mowing (severed toes are bad) and receives a particularly biting Commontary.

Comments (0) Wednesday, May 2 2007

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You missed the best investment: I've got Scat Daddy in Derby Pool 1 at 44-1 and Circular Quay at 12-1.

Commontary™ This week's Commontary(tm) comes from Tom L. Sanders of Kirksville, who's having trouble warming up to KSDK-TV (Channel 5)'s coverage of the St. Louis Cardinals. Take it away, Tom!

Mike Gorman

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There are so many things wrong with Channel 5's game coverage that it's tough to pick out just one thing to bitch about. The two biggest holes in the lineup are a geriatric golf commentator who doesn't have the chops to keep up with a sport that requires more than a comment every five minutes and a news anchor with a deer-in-the-headlights bobblehead stuck on top of a fiftysomething turkey neck.

Oh hell, I can't stand it anymore — I'll pick one.

Deanne Lane.

OK, Dee. Anne. Lane.

Deanne Lane?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Rennie: [Positive intelligent comment]

Deanne: [Nod, smile] "Yeah."

Rennie: [Negative intelligent comment]

Deanne: [Head shake, frown] "Yeah."

Deanne: Let's send it back to the team....

Where's a bicycle helmet with a chin strap when you need it? She's useless.

Where the hell is Katie Felts? Sure, she has to do weekend sports, but can't she pull double duty? I'm pretty sure that she'd probably have something more intelligent to add than Lane's mindless warbling. Not to mention the fact that Katie Felts is chubby-inspiring as opposed to Lane, who looks like she should be sitting on a porch somewhere knitting a sweater for her cat. OK, maybe that's not a real reason, but I like it anyway.

When's the last time one of the networks stuck one of their anchors on a sports show? I can only imagine dropping somebody like Katie Couric next to Joe Buck so he could mercilessly backhand her with sarcasm for being a waste of space, "OK folks, while Katie breaks out her rule book to figure out what 'offside' means, the rest of us are going to talk about the playoffs...."

This could only happen on Channel 5, where they actually believe that being "First in St. Louis. First in color. First in HD" is a legitimate, compelling reason to watch their sorry-ass station. Nothing like using nostalgia and bragging about yesterday's technology that everybody else has to drive ratings.

Note to Rick Horton: Those high camera angles are really killing the effectiveness of that continent-size, wispy comb-over you're sporting. Grow some sack and cut that mess.

Ever get the urge to jump up and ____ this damn town? Tell Unreal about it! unreal@riverfronttimes.com.