Gay Guns

Despite feeling snubbed by Kerouac, Unreal's wide awake, hammered, packing pink heat and looking for a sign from God.

The Pink Pistols, a gay-friendly gun-rights group, was founded seven years ago by a libertarian activist in Massachusetts. Inspired by slogans like "Armed gays don't get bashed" and "Pick on someone your own caliber," Unreal couldn't resist a phone visit with Chris Harrison, president of St. Louis' Pink Pistols chapter. [Editor’s note: A correction ran concerning this paragraph; please see end of article.]

Unreal: How many members are there?

Chris Harrison: At this point, it's just me. I haven't figured out how to recruit, I guess is my problem. I tried a couple fliers one time and all I got was hostile hate mail from people who think that all gays are going to Hell.

Why the lack of interest?

I think a lot of people, and St. Louis is especially bad — and I don't know if "bad" is the right word — but people think people who own guns are the toothless redneck sort of person, and obviously that's not true, especially in the gay community.

So what kind of heat are you packing?

I have a shotgun for trap shooting, a shotgun for hunting birds, a deer rifle, a little .22 rifle for target shooting and a couple of handguns. I can carry a handgun but I very rarely do.

Are the pistols actually pink?

No. I think there was a company making pink and orange brightly colored pistols, but I don't think they actually are anymore. The idea of guns that look like toys seems like a bad idea to me.

So when you're at the shooting range, do you ever picture someone's face on the target?

No, I don't. I spent seven years in the Army and I've been shot at on three continents. I rather hope to never have to shoot an actual person ever again. So as a general rule I don't use human silhouette targets and I don't put human faces on them. My ex-wife is not on the target.

What's the biggest and/or coolest gun you've ever fired?

Well, I spent seven years in the Army like I said, so a .50 caliber machine gun is probably biggest thing I've ever shot.

Bill O'Reilly did a story about the Pink Pistols describing them as a "vicious pink pistol-packing lesbian gang." What would say to Bill if you saw him in person?

If I encountered Bill O'Reilly in person, I don't think I would be able to speak to him because my mother taught me if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Correction published 10/18/07: As originally published, the Unreal item about the Pink Pistols characterized the group as a gay gun-rights group. As the Pistols point out on their own Web site, www.pinkpistols.org, they're open to one and all. The above version reflects this correction. (In the interest of full disclosure, it also reflects the correction of a misplaced modifier that we couldn't resist fixing.)

Bud Out!
The following is an Unreal editorial and does not reflect the views and opinions of Riverfront Times:

First they came for Spykes (those fruity, malt-beverage shots enjoyed by high school girls nationwide), and no one — except Unreal — said anything. Now they're coming for Bud Extra and you know they won't stop there. Earlier this year, attorneys general representing 28 states banded together to demand that Anheuser-Busch pull Spykes from the market. They won that battle, and now the same bureaucratic party-poopers are requesting that the brewer halt production of Bud Extra — its refreshing and reviving caffeinated beer.

While constituents in other states might tolerate such government interference, we here at Unreal find such prohibitionist rhetoric as unpalatable as a can of Old Style. Kudos to Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon for conspicuously not lending his name to the letter his colleagues sent the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau urging that Bud Extra be sanctioned.

Nixon knows where his bread is buttered. More specifically, he knows where his beer is brewed and, in the case of Bud Extra, infused with caffeine, ginseng and guarana. "Combining alcohol with caffeine hardly seems healthy — and that false claim is what we seek to halt," says Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, one of the state lawyers leading the charge against Bud Extra.

Obviously, Blumenthal and his fellow teetotalers don't know the first thing about mixing stimulants with booze. This time-honored craft spans the generations. Why, one need not look any further than those black-and-white movies of the 1950s for evidence. Any time a character in those films has too much to drink, the first thing you see is a bartender pour the person a coffee. Why? Because caffeine was thought to act as a sobering agent. Of course, we now know that the only thing caffeine does when mixed with alcohol is to create wide-awake drunks. But is that so bad? Who wants to fall asleep at the proverbial wheel? (Just ask Tony La Russa)

Contrary to Mr. Blumenthal's statement, alcohol and caffeine is healthy, especially for anyone with a healthy appetite for partying! That's why Unreal will not tolerate another senseless attack on A-B and its tasty — if not questionable — libations. After all, if the AGs win this battle, what's next? A ban on Bud Light because it doesn't actually promote weight loss?

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