Deb El Onion & Cheese Scramblettes Dried Omlette & Scrambled Egg Mix Made with Egg Whites

Low fat. Low cholesterol. These aren't the sort of descriptors that spring to mind when talk turns to eggs. Then again, the 4.6 ounces of dehydrated magic that makes up a can of Deb El Onion & Cheese Scramblettes Dried Omlette & Scrambled Egg Mix Made with Egg Whites can hardly be described by a term so simple as "egg."

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  October 10, 2007

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Oh, I suppose that in a pinch you could call a can of Scramblettes an "egg product," or some such nonsense. But that doesn't hint at the satisfying whoosh! the can hisses when a diner pulls at its protective metal ring. This whoosh! — known the world over as a harbinger of a food product that, hermetically sealed, has traveled vast swaths of space and time — is accompanied by a malodorous spray one fellow egg eater described as both "perspirant" and "genital."

(Actually, this egg eater first said the uncooked Scramblettes smelled like "smegma," a claim he disavowed when I asked him how he'd become acquainted with the smell of "smegma.")

Aroma aside, the promise in a can of Deb El Onion & Cheese Scramblettes Dried Omlette & Scrambled Egg Mix Made with Egg Whites hardly increases when water is added to the talcum powder-fine substance. The result? An electric yellow wash studded with the occasional brown chunk — dehydrated onion, I presume.

What happens next is extraordinary. On the flame, this watery mash vulcanizes, adopting a consistency that looks like custard, but in the mouth is more reminiscent of old rubber. Sure, there's a little spring to a cooked can of Deb El Onion & Cheese Scramblettes Dried Omlette & Scrambled Egg Mix Made with Egg Whites, but not much.

After a second or two on the tongue, the Scramblette, its unfortunate flavor supercharged with the aforementioned dried onions and powdered cheese product, breaks into hundreds of eggy little granules. These dead little grains coat the tongue. But soon the tongue emerges from its crumby shroud, and each grain falls past the epiglottis on its journey south.

It's not very enjoyable, but there is an upside: Unlike its earthier ancestor the egg, a can of Deb El Onion & Cheese Scramblettes Dried Omlette & Scrambled Egg Mix Made with Egg Whites is low in fat and cholesterol. Substitute your daily omelet with a Scramblette and, conceivably, you'll live longer.

Then again, a long life filled Deb El Onion & Cheese Scramblettes Dried Omlette & Scrambled Egg Mix Made with Egg Whites? Who wants it?