Palmer Santa Claus Solid Milk Chocolate Flavored

If nothing went as planned, you're not sitting down with friends or family. You're not tucking into an impossibly fat turkey breast flanked by a side of mashed potatoes and requisite pool of gravy. Cranberry sauce is but a distant memory, and the only stuffing in sight is lining the parsimonious seat cushion that supports you. Pumpkin pie? Maybe next year.

Instead, here you are, feeling sorry for yourself and hoping to curb your thankless holiday appetite with an outsize chicken-and-rice burrito.

Maybe a Diet Coke stands at the ready. Maybe this little grease-stained journal of the inedible will sustain you.

Maybe not.

But one thing is clear: This paper hit the streets on Thanksgiving, which means it's just in time for Christmas.

Now, everyone knows that Thanksgiving is sort of a dud holiday, commerce-wise.

Who buys gifts for Thanksgiving?

No one, that's who.

So it's no secret why Christmas, the holiday season's heavy hitter, starts crowding out the crepe-paper turkeys for shelf space right after Halloween. In fact, judging from my neighborhood Walgreens, Thanksgiving doesn't even exist anymore.

Instead, early November witnesses the removal of bite-size snickers and TMNT costumes in favor of candy canes and dancing Santas.

It's a seamless transition. And what better way to give thanks than with a one-pound Palmer Santa Claus Solid Milk Chocolate Flavored? A foot high and an inch wide, a Palmer Santa Claus Solid Milk Chocolate Flavored is a vision of bounty — which, if memory serves, was the raison d'être for the holiday formerly known as Thanksgiving.

But that's not all. A pound of Palmer Santa Claus Solid Milk Chocolate Flavored does a pretty good job replacing what was once quaintly (and somewhat long-windedly) known as "Thanksgiving Dinner":

You've got your meat dish (Santa). You've got your side of mashed potatoes (Santa's lumpy belly), and you've got your dessert (he is milk-chocolate flavored, after all).

Better yet, a Palmer Santa Claus Solid Milk Chocolate Flavored isn't even real chocolate. So when you bite Santa's head off (sort of like pulling the wishbone), your mouth is bathed with a delightful waxy film. I don't know about you, but that film gave me, at least, a warm and cozy feeling, not unlike a candlelit Thanksgiving dinner of old.

So there you go. Not only is a Palmer Santa Claus Solid Milk Chocolate Flavored a meal in itself, it has ambiance, to boot.

And isn't that something to be thankful for?

Seen a foodstuff you're too timid to try? Malcolm will eat it! E-mail particulars to keepitdown@riverfronttimes.com