Secret Santa

Snag part of Unreal's crapucopia of gifts for your office gift exchange!

Shopping for the office gift exchange? In search of a stocking stuffer for your mother-in-law? A steal of a deal? If you answered "Hell yes!" to any of these questions, step right up for Unreal's XXXmas Gift Giveaway!

You see, the RFT turned XXX this year. And in that time we've learned a thing or two about giving, including giving a damn, not giving the benefit of the doubt, and, most important, giving people a hard time.

It's in that spirit that this Christmas we decided to give away some of the trashiest treasures lying around RFT HQ — to you, dear reader!

Is a bottle of mystery Chinese liquor on your wish list this year? Ghetto Fights 3 on DVD? A guide to cooking with cannabis? Well, merry frickin' Xmas, Unreal is here to help!

To claim a prize, send an e-mail to unreal@riverfronttimes.com with your desired item's name in the subject line. First come, first served, with one string attached: You must pick up the item at the RFT's offices.

Item No. 1: A Pint of Red Star Brand "Er Guo Tou Jiu"

This bottle of unidentified booze (the label is almost entirely in Mandarin Chinese) came from the mountain of mayhem left in the cubicle of departed RFT staff writer Mike Seely. Legend has it the hooch made its way here when Seely was on an opium and rice-wine bender in Shanghai and got kidnapped by Chinese pirates who distilled a concentrate of his blood into an unstable and experimental form of alcohol so potent not even Drink of the Week would brave a nip. While Seely survived the sojourn (and eventually moved on to a job with RFT's Seattle sister paper), the boozing buccaneers are said to have perished from an incurable hangover.

Item No. 2: The Cannabis Cookbook: Over 35 Tasty Recipes for Meals, Munchies, and More

Everyone and their little sister has made "special" brownies, but how many have savored the stony flavor of "Green Day Salad with Marijuana Mustard Dressing"? Published by the same folks who brought you the Cannabis Companion, this book proclaims "the old-school method of getting high is becoming passé." With that in mind, the authors offer instructions on how to become the Wolfgang Puck of pot. The recipes cover everything from appetizers ("Grassy Knoll Guacamole") to entrées ("Pot Pesto and 'Erb Pasta") to the tried-and-true brownies. Still, they fail to address how to cope when the munchies cause the munchies.

Item No. 3: Dr. Darcy Luadzers' Virgin Sex for Guys and Virgin Sex for Girls

The only thing more awkward than virgin sex is a how-to book about virgin sex. For proof, look no further than the work of Darcy Luadzers, Ph.D., who felt the need to tackle the topic twice. Each volume checks in at just under 300 pages, in which the Doc does her best to answer the questions burning holes in the pants of the inexperienced. (Example: Q: "What is lesbian sex? A: "Remember: Lesbians are people, and they are woman who are sexual.") Ultimately, like the inaugural deed itself, the tomes don't live up to expectations.

Item No. 4: Bar Brawls Uncensored, Hood Life 2 and Ghetto Fights 3

Whether it's taking pleasure in a multimillionaire shattering the dreams of aspiring entrepreneurs in The Apprentice or floozies pining for the affection of a semi-retarded rapper in the Flavor of Love, there's something inherently appealing about watching humanity at its most crass. For the uninitiated, these discs consist of YouTube-quality footage of people beating the crap out of each other. Bar Brawls Uncensored, for instance, homes in on "drunken frat guy knockouts and the girl next door getting nasty on some b**tch" — a description that sounds like a pitch for Survivor: Detroit. While we kept our copy of Catfights Vol. 1 for sentimental reasons, we offer this trio of gems as an antidote to that other sadistic reality-TV Christmas tradition, football. 

COMMONTARY

Sometimes "the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can't take part, you can't even passively take part, and you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop."

Or at least that's what free-speech activist Mario Savio says.

But for a guy like Jonathan Lee Riches, a federal inmate in South Carolina who goes by the handle Jonny Sue-Nami, sometimes it's best just to sue. Scratch that: for Riches, who has sued everyone from Perez Hilton to Michael Vick, it's always best to sue.

Now Jonny Sue-Nami has a few local boys in his sights: Anheuser-Busch, the NASCAR Busch Series, Busch Gardens and Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Jonny Sue-Nami alleges in U.S. District Court that the defendants are guilty of (among other things) treason, kidnapping, torture and DUI. Among his demands: $100 million in damages, the elimination of the NASCAR Busch Series and cessation of the distribution of A-B products.

Mr. Sue-Nami, you may approach the bench!

"Defendants are in a major plot with Iranian Mullahs to harm Americans beer and nachos. Each can of Budweiser will have a tablespoon of Uranium from Niger mixed at St. Louis Breweries by Joseph Wilson and Brett Hull under the direct orders of Ozzie Smith the Wizard....

"Every ride at Busch Gardens has thermobooster underneath the Earth's crust to launch the Batman ride into outer space with Tom Hanks Apollo. People don't know Steve Fossett is in another galaxy right now. This causes me fear.

"I got big problems with Anheuser. I was discriminated against because I'm a felon. They are forcing American soldiers to drink Bud, so the Iranians have a fighting advantage. Look what Busch did to Mel Gibson, my Pen Pal....

"I'm drinking Anheuser Busch while writing this lawsuit....

"I have to write small to fit this in. Plaintiff moves to stop selling beer to computer hackers. Defendants plan to kidnap me with CNN Dr. Sanjay Gupta to sell my organs for science fiction and fertilization my ovaries for global spread., so Jonathan Lee Riches clones can write lawsuits in other countries...."

Ever get the urge to jump up and ____ this damn town? Tell Unreal about it! unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

Local Blog O' the Week

"Jeannette Eats Spaghetti"

jeannetteeatsspaghetti.blogspot.com

Author: Jeannette E. Spaghetti

About the blogger: Jeannette is a 29-year-old freelance writer who's obsessed with Modest Mouse. Says she: "I'm worth a million in prizes. James is paying me off with daily-prizes over the course of our lifetime. Score! I hit the husband-jackpot!"

Recent Highlight (November 26): Bare Naked Ladies (and Gentlemen)

Hallelujah! We're finally going to cover the naked windows.

To be precise, one window is stark naked while the other one is partially nude.

To keep people from seeing in and to minimize the morning glare on my computer screen, I have pieces of newspaper and notebook paper taped to the window (I'm not joking) that faces the alley.

The other window is totally naked.

And that's the one looking directly into my neighbor's bedroom. Before you ask, the answer is yes, that guy still watches porn.

When I wrote about it a couple of months ago I thought the guy was on a porn-watching streak, but it's routine. I see it all the time, almost daily. He watches an even mix of porn, sports, sports news, and Family Guy. Those are his favorites.

Also, he's been yelling a lot lately. On Friday he was screaming into the phone for a good 45 minutes, promptly followed by 30 minutes of porn.

I know too much.

And that's why we're going to install these things.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

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