By Lindsay Toler
By Chad Garrison
By Brett Koshkin
By RFT Staff
By Lindsay Toler
By Riverfront Times
By Danny Wicentowski
By Pete Kotz
Can you believe it? We're about to give the heave-ho to 2007, a year St. Louis marked with child abductions, soaring venereal-disease rates and several scandals involving local officials.
In other words: business as usual.
But before we bid adieu to the year that was, it's time once again for the Unreal News Challenge!
That's right. We dug up thousands of local stories from 2007, shoveled 'em into the ol' brainpan, shook 'em up and heaved 'em out in our (if you'll permit us a hyperbolic moment) inimitable fashion. Now it's up to you to distinguish the truth from the merely truthy, the fact from the fiction and, more to the point, the real from the Unreal.
What about the frickin' prizes, you ask?
The Great XXXmas Giveaway a few weeks back thinned our supply some, so this time around we're going with only one prize. But it's a craptastic one!
Yes, folks, the winner of this year's Unreal News Challenge gets to take home the brand-spanking-new toilet the editorial department purchased to adorn the paper's November 15 cover. You read right: This year's high scorer gets a genuine unused porcelain potty, suitable for residential installation or any other mode of display you might dream up. Said toilet will be (tastefully and discreetly) signed by RFT staff photographer Jennifer Silverberg, art director Tom Carlson and by Unreal ourself.
OFFICIAL RULES: There are no rules. Except one: If you win, you'll have to arrange to come to the RFT offices in person to claim your prize.
Make that two rules: Only one entry per household.
Oh, and you have to supply a real name and phone number where we can reach you in the unlikely event you win. In the event of a tie or ties, we'll come up with something. And, you know, void where prohibited and all that.
So answer the following questions to the best of your ability and, if you wish, submit the results by mail to:
6358 Delmar Boulevard, Ste. 200
St. Louis, MO 63130
Better yet, save yourself a stamp and visit www.riverfronttimes.com to take the quiz online.
We'll publish an answer key in a week or so. And now, without further ado, let the quiz-takin' commence!
Answers are in blue.
1) A European Union court found in favor of Anheuser-Busch earlier this year, enabling the St. Louis brewery to do what?
A) Market its delicious full-bodied malt liquor, King Cobra, in the Netherlands.
B) Place the names "Bud" and "Budweiser" on promotional items such as beer steins, bar coasters and women's swimsuits.
C) Erect billboards containing anti-Heineken advertisements.
D) Introduce the European people to our "Ambassador of Fun," Spuds MacKenzie.
2) Who is Jason Harris and what lawsuit did he file in 2007?
A) He's a City of St. Louis animal-control worker who is suing a real estate agent whose runaway Yorkshire terrier allegedly defecated while he was pursuing the animal, causing him to slip and break his coccyx.
B) He's a Cardinals fan who is suing the House of Ink for inserting two typos in a tattoo that was meant to commemorate the team's 2006 World Series victory.
C) He is the state representative who loaned State Senator Jeff Smith his casino ID.
D) He's the lead plaintiff in a class-action suit against the City of St. Louis that claims the city was negligent in repairing potholes.
3) St. George Mayor Harold Goodman made headlines in 2007. Why?
A) He was busted twice in a single week — once for possession of marijuana and subsequently for possession of child pornography.
B) He ate 56 White Castle burgers in ten minutes.
C) He was caught on video harassing a motorist.
D) His slogan, "St. George is for Lovers," was withdrawn after Virginia sued for trademark infringement — but not before the city council ordered 5,000 T-shirts and 2,000 coffee mugs adorned with the catchphrase.
Match the disgraced charity leader with the alleged offense:
4) Michael Katz, the Judy Ride Foundation. C
5) Sandra Batte, Susan G. Komen for the Cure. B
6) Carl Sengheiser, Gateway to a Cure. A
A) Holding fraudulent raffles.
B) Possession of child pornography.
C) Enriching himself through the sale of bracelets.
7) What is St. Louis' new slogan?
A) St. Louis: All Within Reach.
B) St. Louis: Perfectly Centered. Remarkably Connected.
C) St. Louis: The Other West Coast.
D) St. Louis: Big Butt Country.
8) Once again in 2007, St. Louis scored high among U.S. cities when it came to the infection rate for sexually transmitted diseases. Our fair city topped the charts in:
C) Chlamydia and gonorrhea.
D) Gonorrhea and syphilis.
9) Which of the following findings did Washington University researchers announce in 2007?
A) Wearing tight socks may lead to temporary red marks on infants' legs.
B) There is a link between heavy drinking and sexual promiscuity.
C) Many overweight children need help to lose weight and keep it off.
D) All of the above.
Match the public figure with the quote:
10) Larry Salci, ex-president and CEO of Metro. B
11) Michael Devlin, ex-pizzeria manager and convicted pervert. C
12) Jeffery Whitteaker, truck driver and mayor of Valley Park. A
A) "You got one guy and his wife that settle down here, have a couple kids, and before long you have Cousin Puerto Rico and Taco Whoever moving in."
B) "[KTVI-TV (Channel 2) reporter Elliott Davis] fits right into St. Louis. He's a fucking clown."
C) "I don't know how I'm going to explain myself to my parents."