"They do," we said emphatically. "And they like it."

Crappy Prospects
Unreal has been distressed by reports of the death of print journalism. It's not especially comforting to know you are part of a dying profession. (Perhaps this is how burlesque dancers feel.) So we've decided to explore our options, just in case this newspapering thing doesn't work out. Times are tough. Investment banking does not appear to be the solid option it once was. But fortunately, Yucko's Poop Scoop'n Service is hiring! And the online application isn't too rigorous, which leaves us plenty of time to contemplate our grim future.

Name Unreal

Jennifer Silverberg

E-mail [email protected]

Address 6358 Delmar Blvd., Ste. 200, St. Louis, MO 63130

Phone 314-754-5966

Are you over 25 years old? Yes

What is your current employment? Columnist, Riverfront Times

How many hours do you work each week at your present job? As few as we can get away with. We mean, we work devotedly through the night. Every night.

Why do you think you would be right for this job? We know our shit.

Are you willing to get a police report done on yourself? Uh, sure, why not?

Do dogs scare you? No dog has ever scared us as much as the CD of special doggy music we got a couple of months ago.

What experience have you had dealing with aggressive pets? You have not seen aggressive until you've had to deal with the archdiocese. Trust us on this one.

Can you read a street guide? Of course. We're in Mensa.

What previous work experience do you have to assist in this position? Last fall we successfully installed a Spaloo bidet on our toilet.

Kosher Ops
In the pantheon of Jewish hotness — and, yes, there is such a thing — no one ranks higher than the Israeli soldier. It is not for this reason, unfortunately, that Kaleidoscope Israel, a yearlong series of activities to commemorate Israel's 60th birthday, brought two (male) soldiers from the Israeli Defense Forces to Congregation Shaare Emeth to lead a three-hour mini-boot camp.

"I went to a Jewish summer camp," says the event's organizer, Richie Gallant, a seventeen-year-old senior at Whitfield School. "Every year they would have Israel Day with a simulated boot camp. It was my favorite day. We'd crawl under ropes, and the soldiers would yell at us and we'd salute."

Sounds like a party!

Unreal: How did you find these soldiers?

Richie Gallant: They're from Yokneam-Meggido, St. Louis' sister city in Israel. One specializes in working with high school students to choose their branches in the Israeli Army and the other trains raw soldiers in boot camp, so they seemed like a good match for us.

Is there really a need for Israel-style defense here in St. Louis?

I don't know if we're going to put the strategies to use. The soldiers will demonstrate krav maga, which is like Israeli karate, and how to put on camo, and tell their stories about life in the army.

Do you think they'll inspire anyone to join?

You never know. I don't think I will, but I like the army exercises.

Will the reputed hotness of Israeli soldiers get anyone to come to boot camp?

I hope so — anything that gets people there. You're welcome to come, too, if you want.

We will take it under advisement.

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