Unreal contemplates a slippery question, then considers joining a biker gang and/or selling our blood

Have you seen the commercials for K-Y's YOURS+MINE? Apparently the lube of all lubes has been advertising its new "intimacy enhancement product for couples" all over late-night cable. Unreal doesn't stay in much, so we only caught wind of the thing when a press kit arrived, with the promise of free samples.

The lube arrived a day later via FedEx in snazzy purple (his) and blue (hers) packaging, looking like a pair of wide-berth test tubes. One part phallic, one part weird science.

We gave a jingle to one of our "Cougar Heaven!" subjects, a sweet gal called Ginger. She was more than willing to insert some YOURS+MINE into the fun. "Oooh, I can't wait!" she said when we eventually dropped it off at her south-city pad. She had seen the commercials.

Mike Gorman

A week later, when we called Ginger to find out how the test-drive went, she positively oozed with pleasure.

Unreal: Did you get to try YOURS+MINE with a young cougar hunter?

Ginger: With my ex-boyfriend.

Get out! Tommy the Tiger?

Yes! He was so impressed that his name was in the paper, he had to come over.

Literally.

Yeah.

The press kit says, "Both partners will be curious about the sensations, providing the perfect scenario for couples to communicate about the experience." True?

Well. I don't know about all that. All I said was, "Do you feel that? Like, oh my God. It's getting cool; now it's getting hot!"

And what'd he say?

He wouldn't like respond to me about it. He was way too excited, I think.

Typical. Have you noticed it glowing by your bedside at night?

No. Should I expose it to sun?

The press kit says it glows in the dark.

Well, hell, I'm going to put it in my window right now, because I'm going to use it again this weekend. It's bizarre how it gets weird, and hot and all tingly, and — it's just strange stuff.

So what's the verdict? Would you plunk down $19.99?

Yeah, I guess, if I was that type of gal.

Unreal's quest for a cougar advice columnist continues. In the meantime, have you got a question for a pastor? A question for a cougar? A question for a cougar and a pastor? Address one and all to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.


Pedal Push
Unreal learned how to ride a bicycle over the course of two summers, with the aid of training wheels and two very patient parents.

(We were 27 at the time.)

(Kidding!)

Apparently others are not so fortunate. Martin Pion, a member of the League of American Bicyclists, has been offering BIKERight classes for adults in Ferguson for the past ten years, and when he rang us up to talk two-wheelers, we got nostalgic.

Unreal: What's the most fundamental part about teaching someone how to ride a bike?

Martin Pion: You're expecting a simple answer, and I don't know if I can give it. What I first try and do is dismiss the overwhelming fear among adults of car-bike collisions. It's not that they aren't important, but adult cyclists are overly obsessed with this fear.

Have you ever had a student who has completely failed to learn?

I had one student, a woman in her thirties. She fell in the parking lot as I was demonstrating the preferred way to start and stop a bike. The reason was her use of so-called clipless pedals, which bind your feet firmly to the pedal like a ski binding. She wasn't able to unclip quickly enough when stopping and fell heavily on one shoulder. She got up and walked away.

Have you ever met anyone who has forgotten how to ride a bike?

Surprisingly, yes. One lady from University City in her forties hadn't ridden a bike in years and no longer had the confidence to do so. She joined my class and sat through the classroom session and then the group went to a nearby parking lot with their bikes for practice. I didn't notice it immediately but this lady was too frightened to even wheel her bike across the road. She never did regain enough confidence to balance her bike and ride it. I was surprised.

Do you have simulators, like in driver's ed, for people like that?

No simulator, just real bicycles!

You're British. Did they give you a hard time about joining the League of American Bicyclists?

Hey, I have American citizenship! And no, President Bush hasn't accused me of any terrorist acts or banned me from joining the LAB yet. It could happen, though, if he reads anything you print. 


Unreal One-Liner
The Church of the Shepherd in St. Charles is building an addition where its youngsters can hang out. The new wing won't be finished until January, but already church member Leslie Klingaman is trying to track down someone who can help decorate. What the kids want, she says, is graffiti. Klingaman contacted Riverfront Times in hopes that we could put her in touch with an aerosol-equipped artist. Frequent readers know Unreal to be multitalented, but alas, our probation officer will not allow us to touch a can of spray paint for the next three years. We tried to brainstorm with Klingaman, but she proved to be one tough customer.

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