Continuing Education: Unreal signs up for a dog massage class and gets schooled by a pastor

Ah, back-to-school season: Wheth-er you're eight and it means getting a haircut and new pair of shoes or eighteen and it consists of finding the right place to hang a beer bong in your new dorm room, it's a glorious time of the year.

In fact, upon seeing the packed yellow school buses rolling down the street once again this year, Unreal, long removed from days of detention, recess and re-enacting Animal House by chugging a fifth of Jack Daniel's, found ourself waxing nostalgic.

It didn't take us long to pick up a list of the classes being offered this fall as part of St. Louis Community College's Continuing Education series and devise Unreal's ultimate back-to-school curriculum:

Does this hat make us look fat?
© 2008 Jupiterimages Corporation
Does this hat make us look fat?

Animals 765: Dog Massage Suffice to say there will be some heavy petting in this class. Actual description: "Taught by certified canine and equine sports massage therapist. Massage therapy is not a replacement for veterinary care." Unreal wonders: Even for worms?

Animals 710: Cats — How to Understand Them Better Felines are enigmas that have flummoxed modern man for centuries. What can they be thinking as they listlessly flick sand in the litter box? As they turn a set of venetian blinds into a tetherball court? As they huff catnip? Unreal must know. Prerequisite: LOLCats 101 — Who Can Has Cheezburger?

Arts 765: The Fine Art of Glass Blowing and Horticulture 701: Herb Garden — Growing, Harvesting, Preserving and Using In high school Unreal's pottery teacher always asked why her students insisted on putting a little hole with a metal screen near the base of every vase. ("To let the flowers breathe.") While St. Louis Community College is no Humboldt State, Unreal, unlike a clueless ceramics teacher, can read between the lines.

Seniors 766: Ready or Not Here Comes Medicare For seniors who have stayed in school for longer than four years. Way longer.

Computers 742: Introduction to Craig's List and Computers 742: Surviving Internet Dating In hindsight Unreal realizes that diving headlong into the "Erotic Services" and "Casual Encounters" sections of craigslist.com was a mistake. You need schooling for that sort of thing.

Writing 701: Capture a Person Wheth-er it's training for a guest spot on Dog the Bounty Hunter or kidnapping people for ransom off the streets of Tijuana, Unreal has always wanted to learn the proper way to abduct someone. Still trying to figure out why this is in the writing section.

Physical Education 755: Salsaerobics The phrase "Phys Ed" evokes memories of sweaty tube socks, awkward locker-room moments and barking gym teachers. Salsaerobics evokes visions of sweaty tube socks, awkward morning-after moments and gym teachers yapping with a sexy Spanish lisp.

Trip 701: Leaves and Tigers and Bison, Oh My! No school year is complete without a field trip, and while SLCC offers a number of one-day adventure classes (e.g., "Apples, Alpacas and Audrain County" and "It's Octoberfest in Hermann Missouri!"), this listing caught our eye. No details about where the class goes, what they'll see or what they'll do — just this title. It leaves so much to the imagination.

Ask A Cougar and a Fundamentalist Pastor
Are older women seeking younger men because the majority of men over 50 have a problem with attaining an erection on their own? And it is work, not pleasure, to reach the final goal — therefore the easy route of young studs becomes the most desirable of the two?
Denise Volmert

Pastor Chris replies: As the only pastor, and the only dude likely to answer your question, I feel a tinge of performance anxiety creeping in. Rather than hit your question head on, let me try to address your inquiries from a less direct but hopefully more rewarding angle.

I'm a little confused. Hopefully I'm correct in assuming that by "the end goal," you mean a successful trip to O-town? Is making your face red and toes wiggle really "the end goal" of sex? That seems to be the popular consensus. All the studies I've read suggest that Americans like their sex as they like their food: fast, cheap and easy. So your connection between cougars and the easy harvesting of good wood may be spot on.

While I remain committed to driving my wife to Tremor-town (though I do wish it were closer), I know that there's more to the deed than a happy ending. The goal of a good meal goes beyond immediate satisfaction. A good meal ought to also provide long-term health as well. Ideally, we'd get satisfaction and nutrition with every meal, but we all know how much work that takes. Eating food that tastes good while also being good for you requires commitment, prep time and skill. I guess that's why a lot of ladies seem to be settling for microwave burritos. Shockingly, I believe God created marriage as the uniquely ideal context for a meaningful and enjoyable romp.

Unreal's quest for a cougar advice columnist continues! To see the responses of eight wannabes and vote for your fave, head to http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/stlog and look for our Cougar Poll. In the meantime, have you got a question for a pastor? A question for a cougar? A question for a cougar and a pastor? Address one and all to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

 
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