• This Republic is not a think tank for open, candid or frank discussion. Debate is not an option here. Free thought is in direct violation of this Kingdom's Rules and Regulations. Freedom of Speech was simply a mistake on the part of the former United States' founders. Fines of 300 Rubles.

However, let it not be said that this Kingdom is apathetic to the common good of its peasant class. It is your leadership's desire for you to be occasionally pleased. To that end, citizens, you are free to continue proudly with any or all of the Winghaven traditions listed below by this King:

• Christmas lights can be put up way too early and left up way too long after the holiday season comes to an end.

The Jolly Roger from Spliffigami.
The Jolly Roger from Spliffigami.

• Large, cheerful inflatable holiday decorations like the pumpkin, the turkey, the reindeer or Winghaven's beloved Santa are still welcome to lay flat on the ground or sit upright long after their respective holiday has passed.

• Christmas trees may still be cast to the side of your home and left there for months when their usefulness is exhausted.

• Dogs that have been approved for keeping by the King for citizens' private ownership can continue to roam free and relieve themselves anywhere or attack unsuspecting joggers.

Citizens, it is a good time to toil in the Republic of Winghaven. Now do as you're told!

Signed, The King

CC: His Loyal and Faithful Peasant Managers

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com

Cougar Talk: Saucy, Not Crude
New Yorker Debbie Nigro, the founder of the site First Wives World (www.firstwivesworld.com), a cybernetwork for divorced women, has been digging on Unreal's subject du jour a lot lately. Nigro is down with the coug life, but she does have a nitpick with the "cougar" moniker. She sounds off about it on her blog and has been immortalized for it on Page Six of the New York Post. Last month Nigro even addressed a cautionary open letter to Saturday Night Live, home of the spot-on "Cougar Den" sketch.

"The Cougar Den & Cameron Diaz are hysterical," Nigro writes. "You have inspired me to do kegels as I write this.... I just wanted to point out that while you're dreaming up new cougar episodes, you might want to consider that cougars (even though I hate that word) come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They don't all look like Cameron Diaz.... OK, gotta run...I have to go pick up my boyfriend at his dorm. (Only kidding — he lives at his mother's house.)"

For the record, Unreal is not über-busy reading blogs for desperate former housewives. Somehow (destiny!) Nigro's flack found us. Naturally, we pounced on the chance to give her a ring...

Unreal: So you're First Wives World's chief executive cougar?

Debbie Nigro: I guess I'm becoming her, and everybody in the neighborhood thinks I'm a slut. Really, I'm a cofounder of the company along with three gorgeous male partners. I gave myself the title Chief Executive Girlfriend so that the guys wouldn't fight me for it.

Never even considered the title, huh?

No. To me the word sounds predatory. I would prefer "cougress," with just that little feminine touch. I think the same person who came up with "cougar" must have come up with those awful words for female body parts.

You say cougars don't all look like Cameron Diaz. Would Sarah Palin be more apropos?

Oh! I've driven through a whole neighborhood of Sarah Palins. For sure. Women don't need to be va-va-voom Spandex to be attractive to a younger man.

Would you be for or against an "Ask a Cougar" advice column?

I think it's hysterical! Again, nothing wrong with the comedy in this. I have the biggest ovaries of any woman you've ever met, which is the female equivalent of you-know-what.

You like euphemisms.

Right. See, for my last business venture, Avon was my sponsor and I had to self-edit every single word. I'm saucy; I'm not crude.

So you haven't actually researched the origin of the p-word?

I'd love to find it. Show me the way!

I know who came up with "cougar."

You have to send it to me.

OK. But tell me the truth, is it hard to write and do kegels at the same time?

Absolutely not. It's a perfect multitasking opportunity. I'm doing it now. Here, here: End your article with, "Debbie completed a set of fifteen while she was asked the questions."

Keep an eye out for "Ask a Cougar" — it's coming soon!

« Previous Page
 |
 
1
 
2
 
All
 
My Voice Nation Help
0 comments
 
Loading...