Most any pothead who saw Seth Rogen and James Franco burn one down in Pineapple Express will concede that the movie's "cross joint," a three-pronged crucifix-shaped doobie, was impressive. Chris Stone, however, is not your average stoner.

Stone is the author of Spliffigami: Roll the 35 Greatest Joints of All Time, published in September by Ten Speed Press. In addition to a guide on weed etiquette and evaluation, the tokin' tome includes step-by-step diagrams for rolling reefers so big and bizarre they'd asphyxiate Cheech and astonish Chong.

Take the "Jolly Roger," for example (see video.) Using index cards and straws, Stone builds a boat that can be smoked — to the tune of five joints that act as the ship's masts and sails. There's also "The Mace," a paper-towel tube with at least six spliffs popping out the ends at odd angles.

The Jolly Roger from Spliffigami.
The Jolly Roger from Spliffigami.

After recovering from a testing process that was simultaneously exhausting and relaxing, Unreal had to call up the United Kingdom-based author to put the puff puff in perspective.

Unreal: Does this book mean you're morally opposed to packing a bowl?

No, I like a bowl as much the next man. But rolling gives me — and hopefully everyone who buys the book — a chance to get creative.

So you seriously rolled and smoked all of these?

I did indeed. As they say, it's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.

It's hard to imagine any serious stoner other than you getting up the gumption to actually attempt most of the ornate joints.

Perhaps, but by covering so many designs, there are joints for lone smokers, couples, groups, huge parties. Readers can dip in as they see fit.

In terms of weight, how much weed was smoked in the making of this book?

That's something I'd rather not dwell on. More than the docs would advise, put it that way.

If your name is really Chris "Stone," it seems like you were born for this job.

I'm pleading the Fifth on that one. I'd like to visit the U.S. in the future and not get roughed up by the feds at the airport.

Seriously, what's with the tobacco mix you recommend in most of the joints? Don't you know that causes cancer?

Well, in the UK pretty much everyone smokes with a tobacco mix. Plus, if you roll some of these behemoths with pure weed then you're gonna be floating on the ceiling for a long time.

The book's promotional material says you're "at the forefront of a national movement of epic proportions to restore world peace, end obesity, and ultimately lower gas prices." With enough people getting blazed and passing out on the couch, world peace and gas price could happen, but because of the munchies obesity seems like a stretch, no?

Really? I didn't know they wrote that. How nice of the publishers to say so. Well, I reckon we'll all be too obese to get in our cars, but a protest march or two would help to shift the pounds. 

Local Blog O' the Week
"JYO Blog"
http://jyoseph.com/blog
Author: Joe Holst

About the blogger: Born in Davenport, Iowa, and now living in O'Fallon, Joe is a self-described "typical geek, online and offline." He throws a boomerang, sings in the shower, loves Jesus, likes Jeopardy! and can't decide whether he hates pickles or merely dislikes them.

Recent Highlight (October 8): A Letter from the King of Winghaven

A pretty hilarious thing happened last week in Winghaven and I almost missed it. A letter was sent from the City of Winghaven telling all residents that they are not to have political signs in their yards. Apparently someone on my street, hereto known as "The King of Winghaven" wrote up a reply and stuck it in everyone's mail box. And now I share it with you.

From the Royal Throne of the King of the Republic of Winghaven.

It has been brought to my attention by some of my Peasant Managers located throughout the Kingdom, that many of you are attempting to express your thoughts or show patriotism as if you live in the United States of America and were protected by a Constitution of some sort. Let this decree from the King on the first day of October in the year 2008 serve as a reminder that you live in the Republic of Winghaven and that your residence is ruled by a self-absorbed group of Peasant Managers who report any and all deviations of our community laws to me.

THEREFORE, let it be known that:

• No political signs of any kind may be placed in your yard, on your property or even at your office. In fact, as King I declare that you can no longer think about politics or watch political shows on your television. Violation of this law will result in a fine of 100 Rubles and loss of your television.

• Furthermore, I decree bumper stickers placed on autos are hereby banned. Violation of this law will result in immediate detention of said car and a fine of no less than 50 Rubles.

• This Republic is not a think tank for open, candid or frank discussion. Debate is not an option here. Free thought is in direct violation of this Kingdom's Rules and Regulations. Freedom of Speech was simply a mistake on the part of the former United States' founders. Fines of 300 Rubles.

However, let it not be said that this Kingdom is apathetic to the common good of its peasant class. It is your leadership's desire for you to be occasionally pleased. To that end, citizens, you are free to continue proudly with any or all of the Winghaven traditions listed below by this King:

• Christmas lights can be put up way too early and left up way too long after the holiday season comes to an end.

• Large, cheerful inflatable holiday decorations like the pumpkin, the turkey, the reindeer or Winghaven's beloved Santa are still welcome to lay flat on the ground or sit upright long after their respective holiday has passed.

• Christmas trees may still be cast to the side of your home and left there for months when their usefulness is exhausted.

• Dogs that have been approved for keeping by the King for citizens' private ownership can continue to roam free and relieve themselves anywhere or attack unsuspecting joggers.

Citizens, it is a good time to toil in the Republic of Winghaven. Now do as you're told!

Signed, The King

CC: His Loyal and Faithful Peasant Managers

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com

Cougar Talk: Saucy, Not Crude
New Yorker Debbie Nigro, the founder of the site First Wives World (www.firstwivesworld.com), a cybernetwork for divorced women, has been digging on Unreal's subject du jour a lot lately. Nigro is down with the coug life, but she does have a nitpick with the "cougar" moniker. She sounds off about it on her blog and has been immortalized for it on Page Six of the New York Post. Last month Nigro even addressed a cautionary open letter to Saturday Night Live, home of the spot-on "Cougar Den" sketch.

"The Cougar Den & Cameron Diaz are hysterical," Nigro writes. "You have inspired me to do kegels as I write this.... I just wanted to point out that while you're dreaming up new cougar episodes, you might want to consider that cougars (even though I hate that word) come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They don't all look like Cameron Diaz.... OK, gotta run...I have to go pick up my boyfriend at his dorm. (Only kidding — he lives at his mother's house.)"

For the record, Unreal is not über-busy reading blogs for desperate former housewives. Somehow (destiny!) Nigro's flack found us. Naturally, we pounced on the chance to give her a ring...

Unreal: So you're First Wives World's chief executive cougar?

Debbie Nigro: I guess I'm becoming her, and everybody in the neighborhood thinks I'm a slut. Really, I'm a cofounder of the company along with three gorgeous male partners. I gave myself the title Chief Executive Girlfriend so that the guys wouldn't fight me for it.

Never even considered the title, huh?

No. To me the word sounds predatory. I would prefer "cougress," with just that little feminine touch. I think the same person who came up with "cougar" must have come up with those awful words for female body parts.

You say cougars don't all look like Cameron Diaz. Would Sarah Palin be more apropos?

Oh! I've driven through a whole neighborhood of Sarah Palins. For sure. Women don't need to be va-va-voom Spandex to be attractive to a younger man.

Would you be for or against an "Ask a Cougar" advice column?

I think it's hysterical! Again, nothing wrong with the comedy in this. I have the biggest ovaries of any woman you've ever met, which is the female equivalent of you-know-what.

You like euphemisms.

Right. See, for my last business venture, Avon was my sponsor and I had to self-edit every single word. I'm saucy; I'm not crude.

So you haven't actually researched the origin of the p-word?

I'd love to find it. Show me the way!

I know who came up with "cougar."

You have to send it to me.

OK. But tell me the truth, is it hard to write and do kegels at the same time?

Absolutely not. It's a perfect multitasking opportunity. I'm doing it now. Here, here: End your article with, "Debbie completed a set of fifteen while she was asked the questions."

Keep an eye out for "Ask a Cougar" — it's coming soon!

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