Unreal plays matchmaker and goes on the hunt for a man with a fetish. Plus: Our Local Blog o' the Week and a Pit-Stain Contest.

 Desperately Seeking DBB (Divorced Beer Baron)
It's been a while since Unreal posted our Entirely 100 Percent Unauthorized August Busch IV Dating Contest on our news blog, Daily RFT.

And, truth be told, we kind of forgot about the competition. That's because just one reader (Dena Vellone) initially responded to our quest to find a new life partner for the recently divorced — and unemployed — August Busch IV.

Now, five months later, suddenly there's a renewed interest in the contest. Readers "Helen," "Fuzzy," "Rose Lynn" and "Lily" have all commented this month to either wish the beer scion luck or throw their names into the ring to become his soul mate.

The secret ingredient: Bonkability?
Bill Greenblatt/UPI
The secret ingredient: Bonkability?

That's fine. But, as we originally posted, better would be to send us an e-mail (200 words max) stating why you think you'd be a perfect fit for A4. A picture of yourself wouldn't hurt, either.

We'll then post your sentiments on the blog, and we'll do our best to pass them, as well as your photo, along to the eligible bachelor himself.

So drop us a line at unreal@riverfronttimes.com, ladies (or gentlemen). After all, this Bud could be for you.

Sweat Equity
Not long after we interviewed Darla Dale, one of the founders of Inperspire motivational fitness towels (see "Towel Tales," July 13), a lovely little package came across our desk. Inside, beautifully wrapped in tissue paper, was an Inperspire towel for our very own, plus a coupon for 20 percent off our next order.

Now, we love our towel. It is soft and white and emblazoned with the slogan, "Sudo, ergo sum. I sweat, therefore I am," and a drawing of Rodin's The Thinker. (Unreal, you may have noticed, is the philosophical type.) We haven't sweated into it yet — so far we've only used it as a scarf to ward off hypothermia brought on by the hyperactive air-conditioning at our desk — but we love our towel, and you will have to pry it from our cold, dead hand.

But we also want to share the Inperspire love. So if you would like the 20 percent off coupon, please send a picture of your T-shirt pit stains to unreal@riverfronttimes.com. No smelly T-shirts, please: A picture can say a thousand words about how badly you need a new towel. 

Love Dem Google "Alerts"
Every once in a while, Google's and Yahoo's "alert" e-mails bring Unreal a nugget of can't-live-without news, such as an announcement of a gigantic Bible-eating and pie-beating convention at America's Center or the publication of a book about how not to make sex with your mother-in-law really awkward.

Unreal really enjoyed the gem delivered one recent day under the headline, "Man With Workout-Ball-Slashing Fetish Charged."

But when Unreal searches online images for "fetish," ball-slashing is not found.

According to the story, "The St. Louis County Sheriff's Office says a man with a self-professed sexual fetish for slashing rubber balls was arrested and has appeared in court.

"Police started looking for 31-year-old Christopher Bjerkness after surveillance tape allegedly showed him breaking into a fitness clinic in May and slashing exercise balls.

"Duluth Police said Bjerkness was arrested after he called them from...."

Hold up, there! Duluth?

OK, uh, yeah, that would be St. Louis County, Minnesota.

'Round these parts, we're more likely to see a headline about arrests of drivers of redneck limos. 

Local Blog o' the Week
"Homemade Sadness"
http://homemadesadness.blogspot.com
Author: Peter K.
About the blogger: About himself, Peter K. writes only: "This is the third iteration of my personal web log." If his several online incarnations are to be believed, he is a musician and — and least for the time being — lives in the Loop.

Recent Highlight (Saturday, July 18, 2009) Bang Bang!

Last night around 1:00 a.m. I heard gunshots outside my apartment. Immediately after the first shot rang out, I heard the footsteps of someone running and the shadow through my blinds flash past my window. About a minute later I heard another shot. I looked out the window and saw someone standing on the corner with a hoodie peering over his shoulder occasionally.

I thought to myself, "Way to not arouse suspicion, fool." There you have kids living out their fantasy as a stereotypical wannabe hardcore ghetto gangsta thug. I guess the image takes a lot of practice.

I got out of bed and went into the living room where my roommate was and he said, "Did you hear that?" and I said, "The gunshots? Yeah. It woke me up." Nothing came of it though. Nobody hurt or killed; nothing on the news, no police cars, nothing. What I find most curious is that I'm currently living about 500 feet from the police station.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com

 
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