By Lindsay Toler
By Chad Garrison
By Brett Koshkin
By RFT Staff
By Lindsay Toler
By Riverfront Times
By Danny Wicentowski
By Pete Kotz
All-Star Banner — Yours for $250!
[Cue Unreal's best Billy Mays carnival-barker voice]
Expecting company soon? Own a fixer-upper home that needs a facelift?! Just don't have the time or budget for those costly repairs?! Lucky for you, Unreal is here to help!
For the low, low one-time buy-now price of just $250, you can own an official Major League Baseball All-Star banner! This two-and-a-half-foot-by-seven-foot piece of custom screen-printed fabric once graced the streets of downtown St. Louis and impressed baseball fans from across the country with the festive splendor of a city sprucing up for the national spotlight!
Yes, buy now and we'll throw in a FREE certificate of authentication from the St. Louis Cardinals at no extra cost! It's guaranteed to convince several hundred thousand guests that your home is in tip-top condition and a baseball mecca to boot!
Call 1-800-ALL-STAR-SUCKA to order now and SAVE! We'll even throw in a free softball field for that giant water-filled crater in your back yard.
Recent Highlight (July 31): Hey I think that guy needs a 7OE
My wife and I were driving somewhere, I can't really remember the destination, but as we were taking the ramp to get on to the highway I noticed a guy on standing on the side of the road. Big deal you say, there are guys on the side of the road all the time, but I felt sorry for this one. He was holding a sign that I swear read "Toe". Thinking he must be a little slow or something I pointed him out to my wife.
"Hey! That guy needs a tow!"
I will never live that moment down. First let me say that I didn't process that he spelt the sign wrong. Or that he wasn't near a car that needed to be towed. And that people normally don't sit on the side of the road asking for a tow.
My wife immediately started laughing at me and started to call her friends. Still clueless I kept asking her, "What!" I really didn't get it yet. She could speak a complete sentence, and when her friend answered the phone she had to wait a few seconds before she could tell the story.
Long story short, the guy didn't have a TOE sign, it said 70 E. You know, the big interstate 70! I think they even renamed part of it Mark Maguire Highway. Interstate 70 runs from Interstate 15 in Utah all the way to Baltimore, Maryland!
Now all of my wife's friends know about the I-70 mishap, and whenever someone does something stupid they hold up a sign "7OE".
Now you can get your very own "7OE" shirt! ONLY $15, no shipping! Just shoot me an email [via blog site] and I'll get it right out to you!
Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to firstname.lastname@example.org.
How to Get Arrested at the Lake of the Ozarks in Eight Easy Steps
Anybody can do it! Follow these instructions: Editor's note: This actually happened late last month; you can read the story at Lake News Online: http://tinyurl.com/nfaa3o.
1) Grab two other dudes and steal a Kawasaki Mule (kind of like a golf cart on steroids).
2) Vroom-vroom your way into a resort parking lot.
3) Try to run over a security guard (don't worry, he'll jump out of the way — whoa, CRAZY!).
4) Ditch the Mule and gambol off, giddy that you've outwitted the Man!
5) CRUCIAL STEP: LEAVE YOUR WALLET IN THE STOLEN VEHICLE.
6) Allow enough time for somebody to find it and hand it over to the police department.
7) Show up at the police department to claim your lost wallet.
8) Presto! You're in handcuffs. Unreal is so proud you reached your goal. Unreal will NOT be bailing you out.