Chad Garrison wages a lonely protest, while a newlywed takes a bummer of an acid trip in a Fenton park

Me Thinks Thou Doth Protest Too Much

Chad Garrison protests the millions of taxpayer dollars that fund public schools.

Related Content

• Rep. Casey Guernsey: Gun Control Is Not Constitutional Even if Barack Obama Says It Is
  May 1, 2013
• KMOV-TV's Larry Conners Says IRS May Have Been Targeting Him For Years (UPDATE)
  May 15, 2013
• The Cover of the March 21 Print Edition
  March 21, 2013
• Blowfly, the Original Dirty Rapper Brings Something Long and Hard to the Firebird Tonight
  February 6, 2013
• Who the Hell Cares if Beyonce Lip-Synced the National Anthem at the Inauguration?
  January 23, 2013

More About

• Ron Shaich
• Barack Obama
• Adams Elementary School
• Protests and Demonstrations
• Foods

Ijust wrote a 1,000-word essay on the bizarre political rhetoric of the last few weeks. But then I thought: Why bother? You don't get attention these days via the printed word.

You get attention by arriving en masse outside a business or government building (preferably one that's not expecting you) and shouting your hatred for all the world to hear!

That's right. I'm talking a protest! And since the word "socialism" seems to bring out lots and lots of demonstrators, I'm planning to protest the biggest government giveaway of them all: public schools.Why should children get a free education? What do they do? They certainly don't pay taxes! Yet, do you realize the St. Louis Public School District relies on hundreds of millions of dollars of taxpayer money? And they use it to educate people for free!

I don't know where you come from, but here in the U.S.A., that sounds a lot like socialism. And don't even get me talking about the federal government and education! Why, that's a complete Obama-nation. (Get it? I combined Obama with the word "abomination" to make Obama-nation. Clever, huh?) Each year the federal government gives away billions of dollars to educate children under the liberal biases of the public schools.

Enough is enough. It's time to protest.

Let's send a message to little Johnny and Suzie, too. The free ride is over! Join me outside Adams Elementary School in the Tower Grove neighborhood at 7:45 a.m. on Thursday, August 20, to protest the first day of school.

If you don't have one of those cool "Don't Tread On Me" flags to bring, please make a sign of your own. Be sure to use the word "socialism" a lot. The word "Nazi" also plays well on the television cameras. Oh, and if no one has an Obama effigy, could someone please bring a teddy bear or two? I think the image of a stuffed toy burning at the stake would get our message across equally as well to lazy grade schoolers.
—Chad Garrison

Well, That Went Well

As promised, I arrived at Adams Elementary School on Thursday, August 20, to protest the nefarious ties between public education and socialism.

No one showed (yet another testament to the vast influence of this blog), but at least one very important sector of society paid attention. I'm talking about the Powers That Be.

Yes, when I arrived at the school at 7:44 a.m., three uniformed St. Louis police officers were there to greet me. "You're a minute early," barked one of the cops.

"You guys are here for me?" I responded.

"Yep," said the cop. "Now take your signs, and get off school property." Wow! Clearly the government is concerned about my message!

So, across the street I went, where I marched for a good 40 minutes with my placards. Surprisingly, just one passerby shot me the bird. A pedestrian walking his friendly pit bull — it licked my legs — stopped to take my picture. Two drivers honked their horns (in what I can only take as a sign of support); and dozens more people just shot me curious glares. Judging by the looks on their faces, I could tell these people were going to think about my message all day long.

Mission accomplished.
—Chad Garrison

Tripping in Fenton

Well, that's one way to avoid the costs of a honeymoon. Instead of jetting off to some exotic locale after their wedding, a pair of suburban St. Louis newlyweds decided to take a "trip" without leaving town.

Police report that the Crestwood couple — married Saturday, August 15 — took LSD the following Tuesday and then decided to go for a hike in a nearby park in Fenton. That's where the twenty-year-old bride began to have seizures from the hallucinogen.

A couple on horseback discovered the newlyweds after the husband called to tell police that his new wife had fallen and hit her head while hiking.

Later, he admitted he and his wife had dropped acid. As the bride received hospital care, the groom was taken to the police station and booked for drug possession.

Hmm, wonder if the St. Louis Convention & Visitors Commission would endorse this as one of those "staycation" promotions they're always advertising.
—Chad Garrison

The Bread Also Rises

Saint Louis Bread Co. — known to the outside world as Panera Bread — is the subject of a recent story in the Wall Street Journal, which explains how the chain managed to increase its profits in this year's second quarter by 28 percent, or $20 million.

It's actually quite a novel strategy:

"Most of the world seems to be focused on the Americans who are unemployed," Panera Chief Executive Ron Shaich told the Journal. "We're focused on the 90 percent that are still employed."

Is that why Bread Co. won't cut us a break with recession specials or extra-value meals?Well, in a word, yes.

Bread Co. doesn't offer discounts like its "fast-casual" competitors — Così or Corner Bakery or Applebee's or Chili's — because it wants to maintain its profit margins. In some cases the company is even increasing the cost of its menu items.