The Arch is, like, cool and all, but it's not interactive. Kids today don't want to just see or ride. We're used to Wii. We want to participate.

We should totally turn the Arch into a giant game of croquet. We could plant more arches around the grounds, and teams would work to move giant beach balls through them. The first team that completes the route gets to knock the other team's ball straight through the giant silver wicket into the river. OMG, fun!


VISIONARY: Bill Hennessy, cofounder, St. Louis Tea Party
CONCEPT: Privatization

Now, I know this is going to make a lot of people mad, but what in the name of Glenn Beck is the federal government doing subsidizing arches? That is so classic Barack Obama. The National Park Service is talking about $300 million for the grounds update? Not on my watch! Let's cut that budget. Let's return the money to the people!

As for the Arch itself, time to privatize it. The monument to federal waste has been around since 1965: If it can't stand on its own by now, it deserves to close. Let's sell it to the highest bidder and see what they can do with it. And if it can't make a profit, tough.

Look, I've got the brass to call it like I see it. And the Arch is a money pit at a time when America simply can't afford it. Let's turn it over to the Walt Disney Company, or GlaxoSmithKline, or Ameren. Let's make it their problem.

And let's kill the National Park Service while we're at it. I don't see anything in the Constitution that calls for a park service. If George Washington didn't need a park service, why do we?


VISIONARY: Lola van Ella, performer, Show-Me Burlesque
CONCEPT: All the park's a stage

We should set the mood that St. Louis is a fun, sexy, exciting, good time.

I'd propose a giant swing hanging from the middle of the Arch. What could be more fun than swinging high in the air, floating over the Mississippi? And what could be sexier, should the National Park Service be willing to hire the right performers, than beautiful women working that swing on a moonlit night?

Park Service, call me!


VISIONARY: St. Louis Airport Commission
CONCEPT: East East Terminal, a.k.a. Terminal 3

In order to again facilitate Lambert St. Louis' status as a hub for a major carrier, a third terminal has become necessary.

Laclede's Landing, the park and much of north city will need to be leveled. Twenty thousand homes will be destroyed. Our careful planning has identified the Arch as an optimal location — and design — for this new "East East" terminal's control tower.

This $17 trillion project will break ground as soon as an airline partner is identified. Any major carrier interested in participating in such a venture should e-mail us at desperation @airportcommission.com.


VISIONARY: Alderman Freeman M. Bosley Sr.
CONCEPT: Give it to Paul McKee

We could always blight the Arch, couldn't we? Throw in a little TIF money, and our pipe dream becomes real: 62 acres of commercial and residential development built literally onto the stainless-steel flanks of our beloved monument. Right now it's all barren and gray. Let us reverse the underutilization and bring some revitalization instead, brothers and sisters!

There's this developer — Paul McKee of ArchSides Regeneration LLC — who's made up this PowerPoint presentation, see? He grew up on top of the Arch. This will be his way of giving back. You say a PowerPoint isn't a detailed plan — well, nobody else has come up with anything better. Let's take a chance on it.


VISIONARY: Stan Kroenke and Chip Rosenbloom, owners of the St. Louis Rams
CONCEPT: Bigger and better

We all know the Arch isn't competitive. The Empire State Building is taller. The Golden Gate Bridge is longer. Disney World has costumed princesses and a haunted mansion.

That's led us to a harsh conclusion: If St. Louis isn't willing to give the Arch the $90 million it needs to improve and expand, the Arch will move to California.

There are cities that would really appreciate the Arch — and support it with their pocketbooks. St. Louis needs to prove it's one of them, or that Arch is going to Anaheim.


VISIONARY: Phyllis Schlafly, activist and anti-feminist
CONCEPT: A restoration of true American values

Americans should be wary of the entire concept of a Gateway to the "West," much less one built upon the 1960s values that have been so ruinous to our society. The '60s brought us abortion, drugs, immorality and values straight out of liberal Berkeley, California. We have women working outside the home and demanding equal rights. We have a ruinous liberal welfare system.

We've seen the awful corollary: America is in decline. (Just look at Barack Obama.)

We need to tear down the Arch and restore the site to its 1950s glory. A simple river bluff will remind all visitors of when America was truly great. If we could turn the clock back a half-century here in St. Louis, just think what a wondrous example we'd set for the rest of this God-given nation!


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