Ask a Mexican: Special Mormon Edicion

Ask a Mexican: Special Mormon Edicion

Dear Readers: I usually save reruns of my columna for when I have to smuggle in the latest cousin from the rancho, but the ascendancy of Republic presidential candidate Mitt Romney must be addressed — namely, that he's half-Mexican. The lamestream media is treating this as a revelation — never mind that I addressed this issue during the last presidential campaign. Not only that, many voters fear Romney's Mormon faith. Pendejos: that's the least-scary part of the Romney agenda. So, sin further ado, here's my PSA for Mitt to clear up any confusion — hope you don't win, but I'll expect the ambassadorship to Guatemala for this service if my candidate Alfred E. Neuman doesn't triumph, cabrón.

Dear Mexican: I feel that the more Mexicans who come to this country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on page 54, it says on the left side of the page in verse 6, "There shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord." I want as many Mexicans in this country as possible, and then I want to tell them about Joseph Smith and get them baptized and enjoy the blessings of the temple. Come on down — you are welcome by me.
Love My Brown Brothers

Dear Gabacho: Gracias for your welcoming heart, even if your ulterior motive is stealing Mexicans away from the Virgin of Guadalupe for a religion in which Jell-O is the only allowable narcotic. While we're talking about Moroni worshipers, can you do me a favor and ask Mitt Romney why he's such an ingrate toward Mexicans? After all, Romney probably would've been some Jack Mormon jerk-off if it weren't for porous fronteras and living in violation of a country's laws. His great-grandfather Miles Park Romney fled los Estados Unidos for Mexico during the 1880s to escape American authorities and continue his polygamous ways, while Mitt's papi, George, was born in Chihuahua and therefore is more Mexican than your typical Chicano Studies major. Not only that, but Pancho Villa's troops were kind enough to not massacre Mormon colonies during the Mexican Revolution, thus allowing the infant George and his family to return home and ensure Mitt's Brilliantined hair would grace America. One final point, Brown Brothers: por favor, tell Mitt and all other Mexican-hating LDSers that the Book of Mormon requires amnesty for illegals. The above quote you cited came from the Second Book of Nephi and is a wonderful passage, but what about the one before it? 2 Nephi 1:5 tells the Saints that Lehi prophesied about America, "Yea, the Lord hath covenanted this land unto me, and to my children forever, and also all those who should be led out of other countries by the hand of the Lord." Here that, Mitt? Let my gente go — into the United States for the free health care, por supuesto.

Dear Mexican: I heard Mormonism is a quickly spreading religion down in ye olde Mexico. What is it about this religion that a lot of Mexicans find so fascinating?
Jack Mormón

DEAR Gabacho: Historically? Mexico has long had the second-largest community of Mormons in the world after the United States — official LDS figures estimate 1.2 million members live in Mexico, a significant increase from the 783,000 estimated in 1999. This community has existed for almost 135 years, created after polygamous Mormons who wanted to keep their multiple wives moved down south because, hey, anything goes down Mexico way, right? Sociologically? Mormons are masters of proselytizing — the increase in numbers "shows that a church group can produce a short-term phenomenal growth rate by committing resources to missionary activity," according to Professor James W. Dow in his 2003 scholarly paper "The Growth of Protestant Religions In Mexico and Central America." Theologically? My understanding of Mormonism is that it places an emphasis on the family, encourages couples to have as many children as possible, stresses the dominion of the husband over the family and hates homosexuals. If those attributes aren't appealing to Mexicans, then I'm Moroni himself.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

 
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11 comments
VerdeLimon
VerdeLimon

Excuse my rambling…

My mother grew up in the mountain regions of Chihuahua during a time where the hottest dishes were based with Chile Colorado (which isn’t hot by Mexican standards); thus I grew up eating mild dishes during my early life in another region of Mexico

I had two left feet when it came to soccer… perdon, futbol; and I was always the last one to be picked when making teams at school; thus I grew up hating futbol.

I grew up LDS, or Mormon; thus I am not a Guadalupano.

So, I couldn’t withstand hot dishes, I hated futbol and I was not Guadalupano… my friends wondered if I was Mexican.

Nowadays I am much better eating hot dishes and I still hate futbol…

I am Mexican and I am a Mormon

I am so glad I don’t live in Alabama!!

VerdeLimon
VerdeLimon

Excuse my rambling…

My mother grew up in the mountain regions of Chihuahua during a time where the hottest dishes were based with Chile Colorado (which isn’t hot by Mexican standards); thus I grew up eating mild dishes during my early life in another region of Mexico

I had two left feet when it came to soccer… perdon, futbol; and I was always the last one to be picked when making teams at school; thus I grew up hating futbol.

I grew up LDS, or Mormon; thus I am not a Guadalupano.

So, I couldn’t withstand hot dishes, I hated futbol and I was not Guadalupano… my friends wondered if I was Mexican.

Nowadays I am much better eating hot dishes and I still hate futbol…

I am Mexican and I am a Mormon

I am so glad I don’t live in Alabama!!

TrojanPig
TrojanPig

Of course mormons are pro-family. So are christians, muslims, jews, hindus, etc. After all they gotta make sure there's a steady stream of new minds to indoctrinate. That's how the lie survives.

hthalljr
hthalljr

I congratulate Gustavo for actually peeking in to the Book of Mormon. You've even gotten a few things right. Moroni has a powerful promise for you, if you read it sincerely and ask the Father, in the name of Christ, if it's true.

http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm...

Keep on reading!

It's available online in dozens of languages. Go for it!http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm

Tracy Hallhthalljr'gmail'com

CommonSenseIsntCommonEnough
CommonSenseIsntCommonEnough

You should rename yourself CATTY so everyone knows that you are a stupid, racist bitch. Feel free to jump on the first plane out of the country when Mitt's campaign goes down in flames. NO ONE HERE WILL MISS YOU!

KITTY
KITTY

Diss him all you want, you illegal wetback. Romney will be the next president. No ambassadorships to you. But you can take care of his yard and pick the fruit from his orchard! You are much better suited for that than pretending to be a journalist.

JBQ21
JBQ21

So, Martian entity, how does the lie survive in the gay world where there are no kids? You must be from the Archepelago.

JBQ21
JBQ21

Don't get your "kitty litter box" in an uproar. We are in the semifinal round for Jeopardy. It's Newt against Mitt and then the winner gets OB2-D2.

Ming OnMongo
Ming OnMongo

Yeah right, good luck with that one, when even most of the "social conservative" base (aka, the Fundies) considers Mormonism as some sort of "cult"... only one step removed from Satan-worship!! ;-p

 
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