Robin Wheeler writes for the blog Poppy Mom. After years of making and eating fancy food, Robin is sick of it all. She's returning to the basics: recipes that haven't surfaced in three decades. She reports on the results for Gut Check every Tuesday.
I haven't given my five-year-old nearly enough exposure to death, especially in relation to major holidays. It's not just me, though. Parents have grown soft over the past 60 years. Martha Stewart, Paula Deen, all the other mavens of modern homemaking: They probably aren't devising ways to turn food items into baby animals filled with carnage.
Well, Martha might
, but at least she's tasteful enough to know it's rude to serve a desert that spews innards.
No such coddling from those rat bastards at the Culinary Arts Institute, the same jackasses who brought us Dublin Pineapple Salad
, Pickle Cheese Soup
, and Nippy Cheese Freeze Salad
. In its 1950 book, 500 Delicious Salad Recipes
, the institute continues its rampage against the American palate -- and destroys the souls of Christian children -- with Bunny Salads.
Make some extra-firm lime gelatin. Cram it through a ricer or sieve to make "grass."All this makes is stringy Jello.
Mix cottage cheese with mayo and crushed almonds, stuff it into the cavity of a canned pear and then flip it onto the bed of gelatin "grass". Jab slivered almonds into the pear to make bunny ears. Gouge in the red eyes with some paprika on a toothpick.
Get the camera ready: You're going to want to capture the horror on the kids' faces when they cut into their little bunnies and out gushes its albino, curdled guts.
This is as good a time as any to let them know that there is no Easter Bunny.
If you can get them to stop wailing long enough to take a bite, the kids will be treated to a combination of slimy and gritty they haven't experienced since the last time they ate mud pies, only this isn't quite as flavorful. Also, mud pies don't have cold, dead red eyes staring at them while they eat. These special touches are what make the holidays.