Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ten Signs That the Baconpocalypse Is Upon Us

Posted By on Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 9:19 AM

bacon_toothpicks.jpg

Assuming you're a red-blooded, non-kosher, omnivorous American, it's your civic duty to love bacon.

But with this week's viral messages about the advent of bacon toothpicks, we've officially jumped the shark on the bacon jokes.

Also jumping the shark? The term "jump the shark" and "-pocalypse" being used as a suffix. But those are beefs for another day. Today's beef is about cured pork. Delicious, smoky cured pork that deserves better than lame jokes and bacon-flavored things that don't taste like bacon.

So let's take one last look at the absurdity, then enjoy some quality smoked pork belly with the knowledge that having a Band-Aid that looks like a rasher doesn't make anything better.

Not quite as tantalizing as the bacon bra, is it?
  • Not quite as tantalizing as the bacon bra, is it?

10. Ginch Gonch I Love Bacon Men's Underwear Once you've put a package of bacon on your package, it's gone too far. Underpants are strictly the domain of sausage jokes.

This will get you any job or car loan, as well as impress your father-in-law.
  • This will get you any job or car loan, as well as impress your father-in-law.

9. Sizzlin' Bacon Tie Your boss, walking into the office, asking who smells bacon. Who's laughing now? Huh? No one.

Fun for the whole family. Your on-again, off-again vegetarian sibling may want to sit this game out.
  • Fun for the whole family. Your on-again, off-again vegetarian sibling may want to sit this game out.

8. Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure Board Game It's called Candy Land. You played it when you were a child. Remember? Bacon will not make it interesting for adults.

gummy_bacon.gif

7. Uncle Oinker's Gummy Bacon Everything gets the gummy treatment sooner or later. If cola-flavored gummy candies are so delicious, of course bacon-flavored gummies will rock. Wait...what do you mean, it's strawberry-flavored? The great taste of fake strawberry with all the latex goodness of gummy in a bacon disguise.

Make bacon, not war.
  • Make bacon, not war.

6. Bacon is Not a Weapon T-Shirt It is if you hit someone hard enough with a slab of it for wearing an unfunny T-shirt.

Let the scent of bacon waft through your home.
  • Let the scent of bacon waft through your home.

5. Bacon-Scented Soy Candle Just in case your dogs are too calm and need something to drive them into a scent-fueled carnivorous frenzy of terror.

This bacon lip balm seems like such a tease.
  • This bacon lip balm seems like such a tease.

4. Bacon Lip Balm Why waste $4 on fake bacon lip balm when that money will buy a half-pound of gourmet bacon? Eat the real bacon. Savor it. And, if you must, smear some of the leftover grease on your lips.

Unadulterated dog decadence: Iams bacon gravy. Needs more bacon though.
  • Unadulterated dog decadence: Iams bacon gravy. Needs more bacon though.

3. Iams Savory Sauce Sizzlin' Bacon Flavor Contrary to what the text says, dogs do not crave bacon. Dogs crave whatever they can flush out of the cat's litter box.

If they gave these away at banks, more people would go.
  • If they gave these away at banks, more people would go.

2. Das Lolli Man Bait Bacon Maple Lollipop "Oh, I get it! It's funny because only men like bacon!" If they really wanted to bait men, they would have given it a nipple.

Nobody puts bacon in a corner. Wait, is that the right movie?
  • Nobody puts bacon in a corner. Wait, is that the right movie?

1. Kevin Bacon and Eggs What's less funny than one worn-out joke? Pair that worn-out joke with a joke that was worn out in 1992. What's next? Six degrees of a dozen eggs?

You might notice that this list contains no bacon-and-chocolate concoctions. Those are sacred cows pigs, and not meant to be mocked.

Tags: ,

More by Robin Wheeler

Best Things to Do In St. Louis

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

© 2016 Riverfront Times

Website powered by Foundation