Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Red Velvet Cupcake Cappuccino, or Would You Like Some Coffee with That Sugar?

Posted By on Wed, Mar 23, 2011 at 1:00 PM

When you look into the red-velvet-cupcake-cappuccino abyss, the red-velvet-cupcake-cappuccino abyss looks back into you. - IAN FROEB
  • Ian Froeb
  • When you look into the red-velvet-cupcake-cappuccino abyss, the red-velvet-cupcake-cappuccino abyss looks back into you.
Yesterday I posted a picture of an advertisement for the new "Red Velvet Cupcake Cappuccino" at Circle K convenience stores. Because I love you and want to spare you the horror that would follow should you succumb to morbid curiosity, I walked to the Circle K located near Gut Check International Headquarters and ordered one myself.

First, the color. Oh, God, the color. I guess it's supposed to be "red," as in red velvet, but of course this mixes with the brown of the "cappuccino" to create a color I'll call "partially healed scab."*

As to the flavor, well, I'm sure you're shocked to learn that it tastes nothing like a cappuccino or even anything remotely espresso- or coffee-based. It doesn't taste like cake, either, red-velvet or otherwise. What it does taste like is liquefied frosting, possibly with an extra dose of sugar of the Pixy Stix variety.

It's basically irrelevant whether this drink -- I refuse to call it a cappuccino any longer, even with the quotation marks -- even has coffee in it. By the time you crash, the sugar high will have lasted as long as a caffeine high.

* - Crayola! Call me!

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