Food Network this week announced several new series
to debut this year and next. Frankly, even by the Food Network's ever-lower standards, the list is unappetizing.
Among these new shows is an unholy marriage of Guy Fieri and Rachael Ray entitled Guy vs. Rachael's Celebrity Smackdown
, yet another dessert competition (Halloween Wars
) and Tough Cookies
, a reality show about a family-run bakery in -- yup -- New Jersey.
Sounds awful, no? In response, we here at Gut Check International Headquarters and Television Production Facility have drawn up a slate of ten Food Network-esque shows that, if they existed, we'd much rather watch instead.
Dumpster Dives and Drive-Bys
: Pierre Brio created quite a stir when he renounced his career as a Michelin-starred chef to follow the freegan lifestyle. In this series, Brio shows how you can easily create a meal worthy of the finest restaurants from the scraps and leftovers that find their way into trash cans, dumpsters and ditches along the highway. (26 30-minute episodes)The Great Food Truck Biathlon
: Eight food trucks race from Florida to California, trying to finish first and sell the most grub. Every 100 miles, the contestants stop for a target-shooting contest. (13 one-hour episodes)Giada Eats a Stick of Butter
: Each week, in a different scenic location in Italy, Giada De Laurentiis slowly unwraps and then consumes and an entire stick of butter. (39 30-minute episodes)Just My Type II
: A reality series following recently married couple George and Martha Stombergas as they open a bakery for their fellow diabetics. The tension of starting a new business is compounded when viewers learn that one half of the couple isn't following his or her restricted diet as closely as he or she should. (8 1-hour episodes)V is for Victory...and Vegan
: A game show in which vegans try to win a cash prize by sitting in a small room while waiters pile cooked meat and dairy products on a table in front of them without either a) eating something or b) throwing up. Paula Deen hosts. (26 30-minute episodes)