As Easter Sunday creeps closer, Gut Check dreams of baskets piled high with pastel-colored candies, chocolate shaped like baby animals and, oh sweet Jesus, Cadbury eggs. We remember well the ritual of sorting the bounty bestowed by the big, weird Easter Bunny: Would it be good stuff...or crap?
Want to avoid the inevitable disappointment of unsatisfying, subpar Easter candy? Check out our take on the 5 Best and Worst Easter Treats, which we'll trot out each day as the holiday approaches...
Worst Easter Candy Countdown, No. 1: Cluckers, the Gumball Egg-Pooping Chicken
Perhaps because we're not a six-year-old boy, Gut Check fails to see the charm in animal-shaped candy dispensers that poop brown jelly beans. Pooping reindeer, pooping penguins, pooping pigs, pooping cows, pooping polar bears: Frankly, we don't get it.
Cluckers the egg-laying chicken (note: inexplicably not labeled a hen?) is only marginally better. Instead of piles of brown poo, when Cluckers takes a dump, at least she shits colorful Hubba Bubba bubblegum Easter eggs.
To provoke Cluckers' biological urges, the user must twist off her head, insert four eggs in her chute, replace her head and wind her up.
Imagine the peals of delight on Easter morning as Junior watches Cluckers make her colorful deposits. This delight will last approximately ten minutes, because Cluckers only comes with twenty eggs. Fill her to her capacity of four, and Junior will only wind her up five times before Cluckers grows too old to lay.
Although the label is very specific that the "dispenser is for the provided gum balls only," nowhere on the packaging nor parent company Wrigley's website will you be able to find information on how to get more specially shaped eggs.
More dauntingly, the label also warns: "Please wash dispenser thoroughly before use." Who knows where this thing's been!
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