Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Six Music Acts That Should Have Been Pro Wrestlers

Posted By on Tue, Sep 3, 2013 at 11:32 AM

  • Ancient press photo from old timey times.
  • Carnivore

Did you watch Wrestlemania XXIX a few months back? I didn't. I also haven't had a Mountain Dew in seven years. I guess this means I'm finally an real adult, which means I should do the mature thing and write a list for an audience of people who are mostly hung-over and sitting in cubicles. This week, I'll be tackling the topic that's obviously been on everyone's minds: music acts that should have been performing on the wrestling mat instead of the stage.

See Also: Six Perfect Songs for Getting People to Leave

6. David Lee Roth "Dr. Desire"

Perhaps the original incarnation of Andrew WK, David Lee Roth is a living commercial for gum or maybe a prescription drug with dangerous side-effects. He's always excited and jumping unnecessarily and probably wind-sails in his free time. Pair the attitude up with the fact that he actually worked as a paramedic for a few years, and David Lee Roth would make a perfect wrestler as "Dr. Desire," a kooky, exuberant dreamboat ala Shawn Michaels, the sexiest wrestler.

Finishing Move: "The Doctor's Orders" - it's just a dropkick. But it's performed after slapping each white spandex-clad ass cheek three times.

5. Tiny Tim "Tiny Tim"

Hell, he's already got the name for wrestling. Tiny Tim was an interesting guy that remains fairly overlooked as an artist and completely overlooked as a menacing maniac with a Miley Cyrus flesh-colored unitard and a persistent cough. In the trash-talking segments, Tiny Tim's manager, Tommy Teen (a pint-sized albino wearing a checkered suit), would do the majority of the talking while Tim strummed away on the ukulele, singing gibberish in his trademark falsetto.

Finishing Move: "Tiptoe Through the Graveyard" - Tiny Tim smashes a ukulele over your head, obviously.

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