Last week at my warehouse job, I sat in a forklift and hoisted a wooden pallet to prepare for shipping. As the dust particles scattered from the machine's exhaust, a thought settled into my brain that I could not rid myself of:
"Gavin Rossdale fan fiction."
With this disconcerting concept echoing through my head like a fart in a sewer, I grimaced and prepared myself to unearth another dark corner of the Internet. I went home and did, indeed, find said Gavin Rossdale fan fiction. It was sappy and silly. Then I found some Pantera fan fiction, which included the line, "Phil set his beer down in between my legs and sparked a joint." My eyes watered in disbelief upon finding a 176,196-word story about the band Savage Garden. As my browser overflowed with newly opened tabs, I became further consumed with tracking down the absolute worst stories ever conceived.
It got pretty bad. Last Wednesday, I was late to an appointment with a therapist because I had found a site with 1,241 stories about Avenged Sevenfold. Ironically, the content within necessitated the need for a therapist all the more.
And although I'll likely need even more counseling after this, I'm lucky enough to have an outlet for the madness that music journalism brings me into. To help you find joy in my suffering, we've illustrated and re-published six of most disturbing musical fan-made fictional stories out there.
Slash is a few things: a punctuation mark, a guitarist for one of the worst bands ever and a punk zine from the late 1970s. Slash, I've recently learned, is also the term for common type of fan fiction that focuses on same-sex fantasies, regardless of the actual orientation of the subjects.
In our first example, we have illustrated the only story written by author KillerKween, wherein DMX picks up his gun-phone and calls the British boy band, One Direction, over to his place to smoke weed. Then One Direction convinces DMX that he is gay. DMX weeps as he asks, "Where da dick at?" and One Direction cleverly finishes the tale with a joke about "how Ruff Rydas roll."
The story is so directly offensive that it's impossible to begin to pick it apart in a public setting. Keep in mind, the title also states that this is merely "Chapter One".
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