Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Ten Best Songs By Awful Musicians

Posted By on Wed, Jul 16, 2014 at 4:41 AM

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Stopped clocks are right twice a day. Geoffrey Arend is married to Christina Hendricks. Performance artists get federal funding. Canada is south of Detroit. People wear Google Glass and think they look awesome. Some things you just can't explain, like how really shitty bands occasionally luck into recording splendid songs. To wit, here are the ten greatest songs ever recorded by not-so-great musicians:

"Apologize," One Republic Ryan Tedder is a hit-making robot in the worst sense imaginable. Crafting melodies with the sole objective of charting, he's a pop-music panderer, whether for his own band or the slew of sellouts he produces for. But here's the thing about pop music: Bad as the listening public's taste can be at times, sometimes mass affection is warranted. "Apologize" is one of the times they -- and Tedder -- got it totally right. The song is reminiscent of Chuck and Blair locking eyes from across a crowded club in Gossip Girl. There's just nothing more emotionally gripping.

"Boogie In Your Butt," Eddie Murphy This might be the most sophomoric song ever recorded. The lyrics -- clearly the fruits of an extremely inebriated green-room conversation -- consist of Murphy rapping about shoving a bunch of disparate objects that rhyme into a rectum. ("Put a telephone in your butt/Put a dinosaur bone in your butt.") But(t), in a still-on-the-rise (this was '82) Murphy's hands, it's infectiously hilarious, and the backing band is funky, like Morris Day loaned Murphy the Time for the night.

"Demons," Imagine Dragons Taking the baton from Limp Bizkit, Imagine Dragons seem to operate under the mistaken impression that relentlessly cranking everything up to eleven magically makes music better. Except on "Demons," where Dan Reynolds backs the verses into methodical Coldplay territory before the chorus explodes. Somehow it works.

"Alone," Heart The Wilson sisters are rightfully hailed as feminist trailblazers in what was then a rock landscape completely immersed in testosterone. But that doesn't mean their music was any good. Yet on Heart's most powerful of power ballads, "Alone," all the melodramatic guitar-lickin' works, and the chorus' come-on is oh-so-steamy.

"Drops of Jupiter," Train This song has been so mercilessly overplayed since it was released thirteen years ago (!) that you'd be forgiven for considering it annoying. But that's not Train's fault. "Drops of Jupiter" could be 99.9 percent trash, and it would still be redeemed by the amazing line, "The best soy latte that you ever had and me." But the tune, masterfully paced and lyrically ballsy, isn't trash. It's actually pretty good, unlike the balance of Train's discography.

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