There's really no delicate way to put this: Andre Hepkins and Claire Kellet need to have themselves some sweaty, somersault sex.
And soon -- before KMOV viewers are subjected to one more disgusting promo commercial of the two "Awake with News 4" co-anchors flirting in front of the camera.
If you've watched the station anytime in the past few months, you know what we are talking about.
We assume the spots were created to show that the two hosts share an on-screen chemistry. But that's not the message you are left with. No, you get the sense that these two arrive at work each day wanting nothing more than to steal away together behind the green screen.
But -- the plot thickens -- to do so could cost them their jobs if they were caught. Yes, it's a classic tale of forbidden love, and we -- the viewers -- get to suffer through their pent-up desires.
Consider the commercial below in which Claire describes what Andre's laugh does to her.
"Cause the first time I heard it, I was like, 'Whaaat!? Did the Earth just shake?'" Claire says. "It's like your laugh comes from your toes. I mean it's just [makes noise of animal roaring]. It wakes everyone up."
Now read that sentence again substituting "felt" for "heard" and "love juice" for "laugh."
Sadly, we couldn't find a YouTube clip of the latest promo video -- the one in which Andre confesses to Claire that he drove past her old high school in Webster Groves in order to get a better sense of who she was. Creeeeepy! But how does Claire respond? She totally digs it 'cause that's what all smitten women want: attention.
And lest you think that we are the only ones juvenile enough to draw these conclusions, our favorite West County watchdog -- former Town & Country alderman John Hoffmann -- also questioned the KMOV promos in a newsletter this week to his followers and former constituents.
"What's next?" asked Hoffmann. "Will the KMOV camera catch some conversation between Claire and Andre from a downtown hotel after some afternoon delight? I hope not. I have seen enough already!"
And as Hoffmann notes, if even "old people in West County" are thinking the same things as Daily RFT, then KMOV may want to reconsider running these spots -- and quick.