"Moustache is a symbol of repression and hate...it's the facial marking of the man who holds you down" -- or so an old punk-rock song would have us believe. If this is true, and 'stache size is directly proportionate to the amount of evil and oppression contained within the bearer, then some of the entrants in the Beard and Mustache Contest at the Hermann Maifest (in Hermann, Missouri; 800-932-8687 for more info) must be approaching Stalin-esque or Hussein-ian levels of fiendishness. This contest could be a clandestine convention of would-be world rulers, a Future Dictators of America meeting disguised as a harmless follicular challenge. Following the same logic, this could be the only chance we have to eliminate these soon-to-be tyrants. Of course, this could just be a collection of men (and possibly women; there's nothing that says only guys can grow the facial hair) with more time than razors on their hands and the urge to squash all comers with their Van Dykes, muttonchops and Fu Manchus. Find out for yourself (and watch for Terminator robots, secret plots or weapons-grade plutonium deals) at 2 p.m. on... More >>>