Chris Carpenter

Chris Carpenter's Five Best On-Field Obscenities

In honor of the (possible), end of Chris Carpenter's time in St. Louis -- not to mention a potentially career-ending situation -- we here at the Riverfront Times thought it was high time we took a look back at all the biggest moments from his tenure here.No, not his tenure as the staff ace for one o ... More >>

Has Chris Carpenter Thrown His Last Pitch for the Cardinals?

Stop me if you've heard this one before: Chris Carpenter may not pitch for the Cardinals this year.  Now, after hearing that, you may very well be casting about your home, car, or office, looking for a calendar, hoping against hope you haven't fallen into some kind of sinister wormhole to the ... More >>

Previewing the Cardinals and Giants

On Friday night, the Cardinals managed one of the greatest (if not the greatest), comeback in postseason baseball history, erasing a six run deficit en route to defeating the Washington Nationals. It was the largest deficit any team has ever overcome in the playoffs, and in typical Cardinal comeback ... More >>

Chris Carpenter Returns...Again

It's been a long time coming, but it looks as if we're finally going to see Chris Carpenter take the mound for the Cardinals in 2012. In about...well, a little less than four hours, in fact. The Cardinals take on the Chicago Cubs this afternoon in Wrigley Field, and the man they call Carp is schedul ... More >>

Lance Lynn Back In, At Least For Now

The Cardinals needed someone to start today in place of the injured Jake Westbrook, who is currently out with a bit of an oblique thing. (That's a technical term, by the way. I apologize for using complicated jargon, but there's really no other way of putting it, unfortunately.) So Mike Matheny and ... More >>

Trade Target Talkin': How Much for that Pitcher in the Window?

Chris Carpenter is done for the season. The man be gone, and the man ain't be comin' back. Not in 2012 for sure, and maybe not never no more. Given this grammatically poor but factually accurate state of affairs, the Cardinals' pitching situation looks...well, it looks pretty ugly, to tell you ... More >>

The Dream is Over: Roy Oswalt Signs With the Rangers

So much for the early-season cavalry, folks. On the same day which would later see Jake Westbrook take the mound and get clubbed for five runs, the Texas Rangers signed Cardinals' fans' (and, ahem, certain sports columnists'), favorite target for signing speculation, inking Roy Oswalt to a one ... More >>

Lance Lynn Stays Hot

Okay, in this scene, the part of Lance Lynn will be played by none other than our former franchise cornerstone, Mr. Albert 'Big Respect' Pujols. Oh, come now! That's no way to greet a former Cardinal! That language is just uncalled for. And playing the part of Chris Carpenter will be our old fr ... More >>

Lance Lynn Impresses in his First Start for the Cards: Let the Lynnsanity Begin

I haven't seen anyone else make the 'Lynnsanity' joke just yet, so I'm officially taking credit for it myself. I'm also copyrighting it; if Jeremy Lin can copyright Linsanity, then Lance Lynn should be able to copyright his version. Or, he could, if a certain clever, enterprising sports columnist ha ... More >>

Kyle McClellan Back On the Block?

​For most of the offseason it's been a poorly-kept secret the Cardinals are trying to move Kyle McClellan. They signed him back in January to a $2.5 million contract for the 2012 season, and pretty much from the moment the ink dried on the deal K-Mac's name has been floating around as potential tr ... More >>

The Best of Ron Washington's Foul-Mouthed Pep Talk

Motherfucker loves saying motherfucker.​Today JoeSportsFan.com released the locker room pep talk Texas Rangers' manager Ron Washington gave his team prior to Game 7 of the World Series. Washington may not be much of a motivational speaker (the Rangers went on to easily fold by a score of 2-6 and l ... More >>

Chris Carpenter: The REAL World Series MVP

In Carp we trust.​You know what's really a dick move? Just a couple days after a thrilling, beautiful victory in the World Series, and just one day after a parade that brought together thousands of strangers in the streets to celebrate a shared joy, taking to task the guy who won the Most Valuable ... More >>

World Series 2011: The Fucking Chris Carpenter Fly Out Song

BLEEEEEEP​So, you think you're the best fucking fans in baseball, huh? Well fucking prove it! Download this fucking .mp3 file, stick it on your goddamn iPod and fucking memorize the fucking thing. Then, when the fucking guy who runs the PA system at Baseball Fucking Heaven tries to get you p ... More >>

3 Ways Cardinals Benefit from Rain Rescheduling

Purple Rain: still better than a rainout. But it's actually kind of close this time. ​It was disappointing to see the game rained out last night. You get all geared up for a do-or-die game, and then down comes the rain, washing the spider out and pushing all that pent-up energy off for another nig ... More >>

Three Things to Be Happy About From Game One (Well, Besides Winning)

What? No, I haven't seen this movie. But, you know, it's called Happiness. I'm sure it's an uplifting, inspirational kind of story. Why are you looking at me like that? ​​Good time to be a Cardinal fan, right? I mean, the Redbirds just took care of business last night in game one of the World Se ... More >>

The Single Biggest Key to the Cardinals Defeating the Rangers

Now that's a really big key. ​World Series starts tonight, kids. Exciting stuff, any time you can watch your team playing for the title. Plenty of ink has been spilled analyzing the two sides nearly to death, and plenty more will be spilled between now and the day the series ends. Let me boil ... More >>

The Starters Still Suck, But the Cardinals are Moving On

This was the Mariners' bullpen car in 1982, back when baseball still had cool things like bullpen cars. No, this isn't really related to the Cards' current bullpen, but I've been waiting to use this picture forever. ​​The most improbable postseason run I can ever recall isn't ready to end just y ... More >>

Cardinals' Bullpen Comes Through In Big Way

La Russa kept the phone to the bullpen busy last night. It paid off.​Well, it wasn't quite the brilliant matchup of ace starters I think most of us were anticipating, but it'll do. Yovani Gallardo, ace of the Milwaukee Brewers, allowed thirteen baserunners, making it somewhat shocking the Car ... More >>

5 Keys to Cardinals' Game 3 Win in NLCS

The rally towels were out in force last night.​Unlike Chris Carpenter's last start, when he carried the Cardinals in a 1-0 shutout over the Phillies to advance to the NLCS, the clubhouse ace would require a team effort last night. He got it in a big first inning of production from Redbird batters ... More >>

How Not to Take a Good At-Bat (Cardinals' Examples A, B, C)

commons.wikimedia.orgJon Jay wins our Worst Plate Appearance of the Night award. ​The Cardinals won last night, taking a two games to one lead over the Brewers and keeping alive their chances to clinch at World Series berth at home. The bullpen was the real hero, along with an early offensive outb ... More >>

Who'dda Thunk? Cardinals Bullpen Saves the Day

commons.wikimedia.orgFernando Salas was just the first in a parade of lifesavers last night for the Redbirds, but may very well have been the most important.​The Cardinals -- and their oft-maligned bullpen -- did the impossible last night. They beat Cliff Lee in the playoffs. It clearly wasn' ... More >>

Nyjer Morgan is *@&%$ing Crazy

On Twitter, Nyjer Morgan goes by the alias "Tony Plush" whose mentor is Chad Ochocinco. Seriously.​Nyjer Morgan, outfielder for the Milwaukee Brewers, caused quite a stir in last night's game. After striking out in the ninth inning against Chris Carpenter, Morgan went absolutely berserk, shouting ... More >>

Chris Carpenter and Pitch Count Panic

Okay, so maybe everyone was just scared to go tell Carp his night was over. ​So Chris Carpenter was, all in all, pretty brilliant last night. He shut the Orioles down, giving them just one run on seven hits and a walk, threw a complete game, and earned himself his third win of the season. Not a ba ... More >>

Cards Are Swept Out of First Place by The Brewers -- So What Now?

The Cards ran into one of these over the weekend. There were no survivors. ​It was, to put it lightly, a bad weekend to be a Cardinals fan. The Redbirds headed into Milwaukee up 2.5 games in the divisional race after taking 2 of 3 from the Astros. Three days later, the Cards limped out of Miller P ... More >>

The Decline of Chris Carpenter

It wouldn't be terrible if Chris Carpenter's decline went along the lines of British Sea Power's. He might not pitch as well anymore, but his records should be markedly better. ​I feel like there should really be a question mark in that title somewhere. The Decline of Chris Carpenter can't possibl ... More >>

Adam Wainwright Has 'Significant' Elbow Injury; Mass Panic Ensues

​Well, just in case everyone wasn't already bummed enough about the whole Albert-Pujols-is-leaving-after-the-season storyline for 2011, we now have the news that Adam Wainwright, ace of the Cardinals' staff and eternal Cy Young runner-up, has left spring training camp in Florida and is headed to t ... More >>

Adam Wainwright: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Cy

commons.wikimedia.orgAdam Wainwright, contemplating the most likely candidates to beat him out for future Cy Young awards. ​I wonder if Cy Young Award Winner Announcement Day is just like the worst day of the year for Adam Wainwright. The way some people have particularly sad anniversaries marked ... More >>

Five Cardinals You Don't Ever Want to Piss Off

​So the great fracas that was the Reds/Cardinals series is over, with our boys in red roundly thumping their boys in red and taking over sole possession of first place in the National League Central. The series was an outstanding one, full of drama and heartbreak and brilliance on both the offensi ... More >>

Carp Comes Back In a Big Way

commons.wikimedia.org​One start isn't really enough to make any determinations about a player's overall health, you know. We can't just look at this one game and conclude Chris Carpenter is just fine and ready to dominate in the second half of the season. That being said, Chris Carpenter is b ... More >>

Five Keys to the Cardinals' Second Half

Hey, it's a key, it works. (Also a forgotten classic of power pop you should totally pick up if you ever see it like at a yard sale or something.) ​The second "half" of the baseball season kicks off for the Cardinals tonight (and I put "half" in quotes because technically we passed the halfw ... More >>

Roster Roulette: The 2010 Cardinals team includes some serious question marks

Batter Up: The Cardinals' 2010 Season Begins Today

'Tis the season.​In case you've somehow missed it, the 2010 MLB season begins in earnest today. The Cardinals are in Cincinnati and get underway at 12:10 this afternoon. Chris Carpenter 2.24 ERA (2009) faces Aaron Harang 4.21 ERA (2009). From Cinncy the Cards travel to Milwaukee before landing in ... More >>

The Cy Young Shutout

Cy Young agrees with me. It's a shame his namesake award didn't go to a Cardinal. Hell, he even played for the Cardinals for awhile! If anything, I'll bet he's even MORE pissed than I am!​Sigh. What? Oh, no. Nothing. No, I'm fine. It's just... no, never mind. Well, I mean, it's just that ... More >>

Chris Carpenter, the Comeback Kid

Carpenter, shortly after being shot by an opposing player. He went on to throw 6 2/3 shutout innings later that day. ​Chris Carpenter was named yesterday the National League Comeback Player of the Year by Major League Baseball. It shouldn't come as a shock to anyone, of course, considering Carpent ... More >>

Post-Season Throwdown: What They're Saying in New York, Denver, Minneapolis

​Coming off the three-hour, 54-minute letdown last night in Los Angeles, there's nothing we want more than to look ahead to this afternoon's Game 2 start time of 5:07 p.m. and put Matt Holliday's plate failures and Chris Carpenter's perplexing inability to find the outside of the plate behind us.T ... More >>

NLDS Game One Recap: Dodgers 5, Cardinals 3

Okay, so it wasn't quite the start the Cardinals were hoping for. Okay, so maybe that isn't quite strong enough. ​Going into last night's game, the Cardinals should have been confident. Hell, even I was confident, and I am never, ever, ever confident when it comes to October baseball. Th ... More >>

Back In the Saddle (Hopefully, Anyway)

For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling really kind of rough. Not sick, necessarily, but just not all that well. Every few days, I would feel a little better, but then the next day it would be right back down. I had a hell of a time mustering the wherewithall to complete much of anything. No ... More >>

Game Notes: Cardinals 13, Redlegs 0, 1/10/09 -- Carpenter Does it Himself

The Cardinals have had many, many great hitting pitchers in their long and illustrious history. Bob Gibson hit 24 home runs in his career and posted a .751 OPS in 1970. Mark Mulder was a designated hitter during his college career at Michigan State, as was Dan Haren at Pepperdine. Jason Marquis is a ... More >>

A Serious Number of Amazing Things About Chris Carpenter

Chris Carpenter is 11-0 since the beginning of July. In that time, he has held opponents to a batting line of .240/.286/.312, good for an OPS of .598. Basically, Chris Carpenter turns every major league hitter into a slightly more potent batter than this guy. Chris Carpenter is one of only two ... More >>

Game Notes: Cardinals 3, Trolley Dodgers 2 17/08/09 - The Best Day Ever

A couple of years ago, back when Charlie Haeger was floating around between Triple A and the majors with the White Sox, I was really hoping the Cardinals might check into acquiring him. At the time, it didn't look as if Chicago had a whole lot of use for him, and I thought he would make a great pick ... More >>

Game Notes: Cardinals 10, Dodgers 0 - A Vintage Ass Kicking

-- Chad Billingsley is really, really good. It isn't often you see a pitcher with that kind of ability, that combination of velocity, movement, and location. Personally, I think Billingsley needs to learn to use both sides of the plate more effectively, as he essentially stays in the same area all g ... More >>

The Cardinals Second Half Preview

First, and most importantly, you'll have to forgive the lack of a clever title. I thought and thought, then thought some more, and really just didn't like any of the options I came up with. Some were too obscure, some not obscure enough, some didn't make much sense, still others lacked any tie to th ... More >>

The Return of Chris Carpenter

So how did Chris Carpenter look in his big return? Well, he looked like Chris Carpenter, to be completely honest. Actually, that's not entirely true. He did have to get out of a couple jams, after all. 

Last Night: Tony Takes his Best Shot with Brad Thompson

That very well may have been the worst game of the year. Now, I know that it's only the ninth game of this young season. I don't mean it was the worst so far. I mean that if we actually see a worse game all season, it's going to shock the living shit out of me, because honestly, I just don't se ... More >>

Chris Carpenter is Only Going to Break Our Hearts

edwinknip.comYou're a heartbreaker. Dream maker, love-taker.I've been trying really, really hard this spring not to get too very excited about Chris Carpenter. All along, I've tried to take the same stance toward him that I eventually had to take regarding Mark Mulder; i.e. I don't expect him to pit ... More >>

Top 10 Stories about the 2009 St. Louis Cardinals

Spring training is officially underway, with real, no-foolin' games being played and everything. The beginning of a long, twisty road that leads through summer and into autumn, hopefully ending late in October with a nice, new piece of hardware to add to the trophy case at Busch Stadium.At the very ... More >>

An Injured Chris Carpenter's Humanity Revealed in Post-Game Interview

Watching Cardinals' Bullpen is Second-Worst Pain Ever

Chris Carpenter's Return Encouraging

Talkin' Baseball

Matching the playoff-rockin' Cardinals with some appropriate tunes