Chris Carpenter

  • Blogs

    August 1, 2014

    Who Wants to Buy Chris Carpenter's Palm Beach Mansion? (VIDEO)

    Don't let that $625,000 price tag fool you. To buy former St. Louis Cardinals ace Chris Carpenter's 3,335-square-foot home, you'll need to pony up another hundred thou' or so just for the country-club membership. Just like all the residents of the BallenIsles Country Club, Carpenter bought a member ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 8, 2014

    Retired Cardinals Pitcher Chris Carpenter Puts St. Louis Mansion on Market [Photos]

    If you have $3.65 million to spare, retired St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter is selling his west-county mansion, complete with an in-home theater, 1,000-bottle wine cellar, golf simulator and a pool.

  • Blogs

    February 7, 2013

    Chris Carpenter's Five Best On-Field Obscenities

    In honor of the (possible), end of Chris Carpenter's time in St. Louis -- not to mention a potentially career-ending situation -- we here at the Riverfront Times thought it was high time we took a look back at all the biggest moments from his tenure here.No, not his tenure as the staff ace for one o ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 5, 2013

    Has Chris Carpenter Thrown His Last Pitch for the Cardinals?

    Stop me if you've heard this one before: Chris Carpenter may not pitch for the Cardinals this year.  Now, after hearing that, you may very well be casting about your home, car, or office, looking for a calendar, hoping against hope you haven't fallen into some kind of sinister wormhole to the ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 14, 2012

    Previewing the Cardinals and Giants

    On Friday night, the Cardinals managed one of the greatest (if not the greatest), comeback in postseason baseball history, erasing a six run deficit en route to defeating the Washington Nationals. It was the largest deficit any team has ever overcome in the playoffs, and in typical Cardinal comeback ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 21, 2012

    Chris Carpenter Returns...Again

    It's been a long time coming, but it looks as if we're finally going to see Chris Carpenter take the mound for the Cardinals in 2012. In about...well, a little less than four hours, in fact. The Cardinals take on the Chicago Cubs this afternoon in Wrigley Field, and the man they call Carp is schedul ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 10, 2012

    Trade Target Talkin': How Much for that Pitcher in the Window?

    Chris Carpenter is done for the season. The man be gone, and the man ain't be comin' back. Not in 2012 for sure, and maybe not never no more. Given this grammatically poor but factually accurate state of affairs, the Cardinals' pitching situation looks...well, it looks pretty ugly, to tell you ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 30, 2012

    The Dream is Over: Roy Oswalt Signs With the Rangers

    So much for the early-season cavalry, folks. On the same day which would later see Jake Westbrook take the mound and get clubbed for five runs, the Texas Rangers signed Cardinals' fans' (and, ahem, certain sports columnists'), favorite target for signing speculation, inking Roy Oswalt to a one ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 26, 2012

    Lance Lynn Stays Hot

    Okay, in this scene, the part of Lance Lynn will be played by none other than our former franchise cornerstone, Mr. Albert 'Big Respect' Pujols. Oh, come now! That's no way to greet a former Cardinal! That language is just uncalled for. And playing the part of Chris Carpenter will be our old fr ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 7, 2011

    The Best of Ron Washington's Foul-Mouthed Pep Talk

    Motherfucker loves saying motherfucker.​Today released the locker room pep talk Texas Rangers' manager Ron Washington gave his team prior to Game 7 of the World Series. Washington may not be much of a motivational speaker (the Rangers went on to easily fold by a score of 2-6 and l ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 31, 2011

    Chris Carpenter: The REAL World Series MVP

    In Carp we trust.​You know what's really a dick move? Just a couple days after a thrilling, beautiful victory in the World Series, and just one day after a parade that brought together thousands of strangers in the streets to celebrate a shared joy, taking to task the guy who won the Most Valuable ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 27, 2011

    World Series 2011: The Fucking Chris Carpenter Fly Out Song

    BLEEEEEEP​So, you think you're the best fucking fans in baseball, huh? Well fucking prove it! Download this fucking .mp3 file, stick it on your goddamn iPod and fucking memorize the fucking thing. Then, when the fucking guy who runs the PA system at Baseball Fucking Heaven tries to get you p ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 27, 2011

    3 Ways Cardinals Benefit from Rain Rescheduling

    Purple Rain: still better than a rainout. But it's actually kind of close this time. ​It was disappointing to see the game rained out last night. You get all geared up for a do-or-die game, and then down comes the rain, washing the spider out and pushing all that pent-up energy off for another nig ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 20, 2011

    Three Things to Be Happy About From Game One (Well, Besides Winning)

    What? No, I haven't seen this movie. But, you know, it's called Happiness. I'm sure it's an uplifting, inspirational kind of story. Why are you looking at me like that? ​​Good time to be a Cardinal fan, right? I mean, the Redbirds just took care of business last night in game one of the World Se ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 19, 2011

    The Single Biggest Key to the Cardinals Defeating the Rangers

    Now that's a really big key. ​World Series starts tonight, kids. Exciting stuff, any time you can watch your team playing for the title. Plenty of ink has been spilled analyzing the two sides nearly to death, and plenty more will be spilled between now and the day the series ends. Let me boil ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 17, 2011

    The Starters Still Suck, But the Cardinals are Moving On

    This was the Mariners' bullpen car in 1982, back when baseball still had cool things like bullpen cars. No, this isn't really related to the Cards' current bullpen, but I've been waiting to use this picture forever. ​​The most improbable postseason run I can ever recall isn't ready to end just y ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 13, 2011

    Cardinals' Bullpen Comes Through In Big Way

    La Russa kept the phone to the bullpen busy last night. It paid off.​Well, it wasn't quite the brilliant matchup of ace starters I think most of us were anticipating, but it'll do. Yovani Gallardo, ace of the Milwaukee Brewers, allowed thirteen baserunners, making it somewhat shocking the Car ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 13, 2011

    5 Keys to Cardinals' Game 3 Win in NLCS

    The rally towels were out in force last night.​Unlike Chris Carpenter's last start, when he carried the Cardinals in a 1-0 shutout over the Phillies to advance to the NLCS, the clubhouse ace would require a team effort last night. He got it in a big first inning of production from Redbird batters ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 13, 2011

    How Not to Take a Good At-Bat (Cardinals' Examples A, B, C)

    commons.wikimedia.orgJon Jay wins our Worst Plate Appearance of the Night award. ​The Cardinals won last night, taking a two games to one lead over the Brewers and keeping alive their chances to clinch at World Series berth at home. The bullpen was the real hero, along with an early offensive outb ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 3, 2011

    Who'dda Thunk? Cardinals Bullpen Saves the Day

    commons.wikimedia.orgFernando Salas was just the first in a parade of lifesavers last night for the Redbirds, but may very well have been the most important.​The Cardinals -- and their oft-maligned bullpen -- did the impossible last night. They beat Cliff Lee in the playoffs. It clearly wasn' ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 8, 2011

    Nyjer Morgan is *@&%$ing Crazy

    On Twitter, Nyjer Morgan goes by the alias "Tony Plush" whose mentor is Chad Ochocinco. Seriously.​Nyjer Morgan, outfielder for the Milwaukee Brewers, caused quite a stir in last night's game. After striking out in the ninth inning against Chris Carpenter, Morgan went absolutely berserk, shouting ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 30, 2011

    Chris Carpenter and Pitch Count Panic

    Okay, so maybe everyone was just scared to go tell Carp his night was over. ​So Chris Carpenter was, all in all, pretty brilliant last night. He shut the Orioles down, giving them just one run on seven hits and a walk, threw a complete game, and earned himself his third win of the season. Not a ba ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 13, 2011

    Cards Are Swept Out of First Place by The Brewers -- So What Now?

    The Cards ran into one of these over the weekend. There were no survivors. ​It was, to put it lightly, a bad weekend to be a Cardinals fan. The Redbirds headed into Milwaukee up 2.5 games in the divisional race after taking 2 of 3 from the Astros. Three days later, the Cards limped out of Miller P ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 11, 2011

    The Decline of Chris Carpenter

    It wouldn't be terrible if Chris Carpenter's decline went along the lines of British Sea Power's. He might not pitch as well anymore, but his records should be markedly better. ​I feel like there should really be a question mark in that title somewhere. The Decline of Chris Carpenter can't possibl ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 23, 2011

    Adam Wainwright Has 'Significant' Elbow Injury; Mass Panic Ensues

    ​Well, just in case everyone wasn't already bummed enough about the whole Albert-Pujols-is-leaving-after-the-season storyline for 2011, we now have the news that Adam Wainwright, ace of the Cardinals' staff and eternal Cy Young runner-up, has left spring training camp in Florida and is headed to t ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 17, 2010

    Adam Wainwright: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Cy

    commons.wikimedia.orgAdam Wainwright, contemplating the most likely candidates to beat him out for future Cy Young awards. ​I wonder if Cy Young Award Winner Announcement Day is just like the worst day of the year for Adam Wainwright. The way some people have particularly sad anniversaries marked ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 12, 2010

    Five Cardinals You Don't Ever Want to Piss Off

    ​So the great fracas that was the Reds/Cardinals series is over, with our boys in red roundly thumping their boys in red and taking over sole possession of first place in the National League Central. The series was an outstanding one, full of drama and heartbreak and brilliance on both the offensi ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 16, 2010

    Carp Comes Back In a Big Way​One start isn't really enough to make any determinations about a player's overall health, you know. We can't just look at this one game and conclude Chris Carpenter is just fine and ready to dominate in the second half of the season. That being said, Chris Carpenter is b ... More >>

  • News

    April 7, 2010
  • Blogs

    April 5, 2010

    Batter Up: The Cardinals' 2010 Season Begins Today

    'Tis the season.​In case you've somehow missed it, the 2010 MLB season begins in earnest today. The Cardinals are in Cincinnati and get underway at 12:10 this afternoon. Chris Carpenter 2.24 ERA (2009) faces Aaron Harang 4.21 ERA (2009). From Cinncy the Cards travel to Milwaukee before landing in ... More >>

  • Blogs

    November 20, 2009

    The Cy Young Shutout

    Cy Young agrees with me. It's a shame his namesake award didn't go to a Cardinal. Hell, he even played for the Cardinals for awhile! If anything, I'll bet he's even MORE pissed than I am!​Sigh. What? Oh, no. Nothing. No, I'm fine. It's just... no, never mind. Well, I mean, it's just that ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 28, 2009

    Chris Carpenter, the Comeback Kid

    Carpenter, shortly after being shot by an opposing player. He went on to throw 6 2/3 shutout innings later that day. ​Chris Carpenter was named yesterday the National League Comeback Player of the Year by Major League Baseball. It shouldn't come as a shock to anyone, of course, considering Carpent ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 8, 2009

    Post-Season Throwdown: What They're Saying in New York, Denver, Minneapolis

    ​Coming off the three-hour, 54-minute letdown last night in Los Angeles, there's nothing we want more than to look ahead to this afternoon's Game 2 start time of 5:07 p.m. and put Matt Holliday's plate failures and Chris Carpenter's perplexing inability to find the outside of the plate behind us.T ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 8, 2009

    NLDS Game One Recap: Dodgers 5, Cardinals 3

    Okay, so it wasn't quite the start the Cardinals were hoping for. Okay, so maybe that isn't quite strong enough. ​Going into last night's game, the Cardinals should have been confident. Hell, even I was confident, and I am never, ever, ever confident when it comes to October baseball. Th ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 7, 2009

    Back In the Saddle (Hopefully, Anyway)

    For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling really kind of rough. Not sick, necessarily, but just not all that well. Every few days, I would feel a little better, but then the next day it would be right back down. I had a hell of a time mustering the wherewithall to complete much of anything. No ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 1, 2009

    Game Notes: Cardinals 13, Redlegs 0, 1/10/09 -- Carpenter Does it Himself

    The Cardinals have had many, many great hitting pitchers in their long and illustrious history. Bob Gibson hit 24 home runs in his career and posted a .751 OPS in 1970. Mark Mulder was a designated hitter during his college career at Michigan State, as was Dan Haren at Pepperdine. Jason Marquis is a ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 8, 2009

    A Serious Number of Amazing Things About Chris Carpenter

    Chris Carpenter is 11-0 since the beginning of July. In that time, he has held opponents to a batting line of .240/.286/.312, good for an OPS of .598. Basically, Chris Carpenter turns every major league hitter into a slightly more potent batter than this guy. Chris Carpenter is one of only two ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 18, 2009

    Game Notes: Cardinals 3, Trolley Dodgers 2 17/08/09 - The Best Day Ever

    A couple of years ago, back when Charlie Haeger was floating around between Triple A and the majors with the White Sox, I was really hoping the Cardinals might check into acquiring him. At the time, it didn't look as if Chicago had a whole lot of use for him, and I thought he would make a great pick ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 17, 2009

    The Cardinals Second Half Preview

    First, and most importantly, you'll have to forgive the lack of a clever title. I thought and thought, then thought some more, and really just didn't like any of the options I came up with. Some were too obscure, some not obscure enough, some didn't make much sense, still others lacked any tie to th ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 21, 2009

    The Return of Chris Carpenter

    So how did Chris Carpenter look in his big return? Well, he looked like Chris Carpenter, to be completely honest. Actually, that's not entirely true. He did have to get out of a couple jams, after all. 

  • Blogs

    April 15, 2009

    Last Night: Tony Takes his Best Shot with Brad Thompson

    That very well may have been the worst game of the year. Now, I know that it's only the ninth game of this young season. I don't mean it was the worst so far. I mean that if we actually see a worse game all season, it's going to shock the living shit out of me, because honestly, I just don't se ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 19, 2009

    Chris Carpenter is Only Going to Break Our Hearts

    I've been trying really, really hard this spring not to get too very excited about Chris Carpenter. All along, I've tried to take the same stance toward him that I eventually had to take regarding Mark Mulder; i.e. I don't expect him to pitch, I don't even really think of him as part of the team, if ... More >>

  • Blogs

    February 26, 2009

    Top 10 Stories about the 2009 St. Louis Cardinals

    Spring training is officially underway, with real, no-foolin' games being played and everything. The beginning of a long, twisty road that leads through summer and into autumn, hopefully ending late in October with a nice, new piece of hardware to add to the trophy case at Busch Stadium.At the very ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 12, 2009

    John Cusack is John Mozeliak in "Do Anything"

    Our hero, the shy, rebellious young GM of a small market team tries desperately to get the attention of any free agent pitcher he can. He may not be able to get the valedictorian, but he's going to get somebody. In the end, the best I think we can possibly hope for is for Johnny Mo, on Ben Shee ... More >>

  • Blogs

    September 25, 2008

    An Injured Chris Carpenter's Humanity Revealed in Post-Game Interview

    Did anyone else out there just happen to watch the post-game show after the St. Louis Cardinals game last night? Well, I did, and I saw something that just about broke my heart. No, I'm not going to go off on yet another rant about one of Tony La Russa's insane lineups or equally insane explanatio ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 6, 2008

    Watching Cardinals' Bullpen is Second-Worst Pain Ever

    You know, I had planned on writing about Chris Carpenter's return to the mound this morning. I had planned on writing about Manny Ramirez making his ridiculous way to St. Louis. Instead of all that, though, I would like to tell you a little story. One of my earliest -- and, unfortunately, most viv ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 31, 2008

    Chris Carpenter's Return Encouraging

    Admit it. When you turned on the game last night, you thought you were seeing a ghost. Standing out there on the mound, looking as if he had every right in the world to be there, was the ghost of Chris Carpenter.

  • Blogs

    June 4, 2008

    Pitcher Matt Clement Making a Comeback

    While the Cardinals were waiting out the rain in Washington last night, a very interesting plot development was taking place a ways down the coast, in Florida. Matt Clement finally stepped onto a mound and started on the road back to the big leagues. Clement Clement, the 33-year-old r ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 17, 2006

    Chew Tube

    icemannyr Maybe the baseball playoffs are filmed in too high definition. Watching the Cardinals' improbable run on TV is fun. John Mellencamp's pick-up truck song is more enjoyable after the nine-hundredth listen than Bob Seger's or Taylor Hicks' were, and the color commentary is solid. (Luis Go ... More >>

  • Music

    October 5, 2005

    Talkin' Baseball

    Matching the playoff-rockin' Cardinals with some appropriate tunes

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