September 16, 2013 Slideshows

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10 Reasons Why Your Waiter Is Judging You 

Here's some cold hard truth: Your waiter is judging you. And it's not because you scanned our restaurant's list of preachy, precious dishes made with esoteric (but local!) ingredients and then asked what celeriac or chimicurri are. Waiters don't care about that. Answering questions like that is their job. No, it's not about what you know, it's about how you act, and your waiter is surveying you to determine whether you're a badly behaved diner. How do they know? Presenting the 10 most obvious signs. By Hannah Palmer Egan. Follow her! @FindThatHannah

All illustrations by Kevin Cannon, cartoonist

See also:
5 Drink Orders That Let Everyone Know You're an Asshole
The 10 Worst People in NYC Restaurants
10. You ask for drinks without ice.


Unless you have an awful toothache or other predisposition against cold beverages, a waiter will take this as you being cheap, trying to get more bang for your beverage-buck by leaving the ice ou
9. You say you know the chef.


If you know the chef, odds are, s/he knows you're coming, because you texted before you came and s/he told us to expect you, where to seat you, and to notify the kitchen immediately upon your arrival s
8. You want your steak well done.


If the idea of eating meat makes you so uncomfortable that you can't bear to slurp its delicious, bloody, animal juices, get something that is best eaten cooked through... Like chicken or eggplant
7. You order any of the drinks that indicate, beyond a measure of doubt, that you're an asshole.
6. You're on your cell phone during dinner, leaving your date to ponder the salt or worse, look at their own cell phone.


Yes, we get it, sometimes you have to look at your phone during dinner. If your wife's about to have a baby, s
5. You ask the kitchen to drastically change a dish or, worse, make up your own dishes using ingredients from the menu.


Basically, what a waiter hears when you do this is this: "I think I know the menu better than the chef." Or wor
4. You're a gluten-free, dairy-free vegetarian who doesn't eat soy and is allergic to nuts.


You're welcome to enjoy an undressed salad with oil and vinegar or perhaps some grilled vegetables that our chef will prepare just for you.
"3. You're sucking face at the table.

Everyone knows dinner is, in many cases, just expensive foreplay, but please, don't be literal about it. Your waiter is happy to do her part to make your evening lovely, but keep your fondling to
2. Your child is screaming or running around the restaurant or playing peek-a-boo under the table, and you're allowing it.


If your child is not sitting at the table where they belong, your waiter is writing you off as a piss-poor p
1. You fail to use basic toddler-manners in proper context, like the words "Please," "Thank you," and "Excuse me."


Interrupting or cutting people off when they're speaking to you is rude. Basic human respect and manners are expecte
1/10
10. You ask for drinks without ice.


Unless you have an awful toothache or other predisposition against cold beverages, a waiter will take this as you being cheap, trying to get more bang for your beverage-buck by leaving the ice ou
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