Critical Fatwa

All hail X, the band that has somehow remained cool as it ages, a most difficult task for punk rockers. Just look to X's contemporaries the Germs to witness how sad punk rock has become. Despite the 1980 death of singer Darby Crash, the remaining members of the group want their glory back and are reuniting using pretty-boy actor Shane West (who is playing Crash in a biopic) as a fill-in for the late vocalist. For reuniting in a manner that might shame INXS, we deliver a most stinging fatwa to the surviving members of the Germs.

The Germs were always the Doors of punk rock, with Crash their Jim Morrison: charismatic, but also a self-obsessed, terminal junkie who brutally used those he hoodwinked, burning them with cigarettes and ruling their lives. If Crash had been ugly, you wouldn't know the words to "Lexicon Devil," but he proved for the punks (as Morrison proved for the hippies) that they could be as beauty-obsessed as the teenyboppers they mocked.

Fatwa! For continuing this foul cult, for inspiring yet another generation of teens to stencil Germs logos on their jackets, by inviting a cast member of ER to join the pantheon of punk, you have earned the wrath of rock! In the rock afterlife, may Darby Crash be your overseer.

It is written.