Golden Showers 

Unreal dreams of our ideal mate: He'll arrive on a horse and pee in the shower.

It may take a village to accomplish a "Pee In the Shower" campaign, but it only took one St. Louis satirist a few seconds to drum up the genius idea. That is, that peeing in the shower could preserve gallons of drinking water for millions of poor, thirsty children the world over.

The self-described sicko behind the campaign? That's Chris Files, creator of fake news Web site www.thefilesfiles .com, which features stories and videos on extreme bird watching, injury by tight T-shirts and, yes, peeing in the shower. Files, an aspiring comic who doubles as a flack for the Saint Louis Science Center, called for a "P.I.T.S." movement over cyberspace a few months ago. Unreal recently checked in with Files to get an update on the campaign's progress.

Unreal: Why are you making videos of people peeing in the shower?

Chris Files: We're really hoping the P.I.T.S. campaign catches on. We're wasting water every time we flush the toilet. Let's let gravity do its job. There's a drain in the shower.

So you practice this?

I'd like to think I was the first person to pee in the shower, ever. It's a trend that's catching on, let me tell you — just ask my wife.

I bet she loves it.

She's a very understanding lady. We got married three months ago, and she's yet to come to her senses, but when she does, I get half of everything.

What's your take on St. Louis' award-winning drinking water?

It's great. I'm not sure if the P.I.T.S. campaign has anything to do with it, but I'd like to think it does. I endorse drinking our tap water as much as I endorse peeing in the shower.

What kind of feedback are you getting?

A guy wrote to say he almost soiled himself after watching one of the videos. Hopefully it's not normal in his world. I think it's the most flattering thing I've ever been told.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Us a Match
New Yorker Janis Spindel, a self-described "whirling dervish of a woman" and owner of Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, claims to have married off 760 couples, all belonging to the Muffy and Maximilian social set. Filthy-rich men shell out $50,000 — minimum — for her services, and drop-dead gorgeous socialites flock to her "matchmaking dinners" in hopes of becoming part of her potential-mate database. For the rest of us, Janis has written books, the latest of which — How to Date Men: Dating Secrets From America's Top Matchmaker — hits bookstores this week.

Spindel's publisher came whoring for her earlier this month, allowing us to catch up with the master matchmaker by phone in the Hamptons.

Unreal: Get much work done in the Hamptons?

Janis Spindel: It's where all the rich men are. It's beyond magnificent. You know, it's so funny, I had a guy from St. Louis who is the exact spitting image of George Clooney. I met with this guy twice, and he still has not hired me! We were supposed to do — oh, hold on for one second, my babysitter is on the other phone So he's this amazing guy, hotter than hot could possibly be, and we talked about doing a search in St. Louis and he still has not committed to doing it.

Maybe he died in the heat wave.

[Pause] He found me in The New York Times Magazine. Well actually, he saw me on 60 Minutes.

Where can I meet this guy?

That's a good question. Are you single?

No.

He's retired, he's 41. I call him Georgie Boy. He would have been gone in two seconds flat.

We are ranked the most dangerous city in America.

Yeah, well

Should that have an effect on a woman's search for a man here?

I definitely can't say I have followed up on that. I don't know if St. Louis is considered a major hub. I have men in every major hub in every major city in the country, but I can't say I've gotten a lot of calls from St. Louis.

We love St. Louis Cardinal Chris Duncan. What would you suggest for getting him in two seconds flat?

Find out if he's single. And leave no stone unturned.

He always has a huge wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth. What's a girl to do?

Ooooh. Gross.

Horsing Around
When Unreal learned that the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department is putting up for auction one of its mounted patrol horses, a nine-year-old chestnut quarter horse named Pike, we simply had to know more. So we called Sgt. Paul Lauer in the Mounted Patrol Division.

Unreal: Pike came to the department in 2002. That's five years on the force, so does he get a pension?

Sgt. Paul Lauer: Nope, no pension, just hopefully a good owner.

Why the early retirement?

[Pike] didn't adapt to city life as well as we would have liked. He started to get difficult to manage around large crowds, vehicles and busses. He's more adaptable to the ranch style of life. He wasn't behaving well around other horses.

How did he get the name Pike?

His original name was Pecos. We changed his name to Pike right after we got him, in honor of Officer Michael Barwick, who got killed in line of duty. We wanted to name it after him, but he didn't have a nickname. But he did belong to the Pi Kappa Epsilon fraternity, which they call "Pike" for short.

So he's a frat pony. That explains it.

Yeah, kind of.

Can he sniff for drugs?

No.

Too bad. Does he have a special diet?

What we feed them is Timothy hay twice a day; it's the first cut of hay, so it's the best. They get two feedings of grain per day — we feed them Strategy GX brand. It's a Purina brand, high in calories.

High in calories, what about jelly donuts?

No, apples and carrots. That's what they get for treats.

How much does it, um, crap? We have an office to think about.

It could be pretty often. Most horses are not housetrained or anything, but usually when they're out on patrol they hold it pretty well. They do poop sometimes, but for whatever reason they like to be close to home.

Us too. Are there any laws against horse-riding while intoxicated?

No, not that I'm aware of. It's probably not recommended, but I don't believe it's illegal.

We're sold.

DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?
Of course you do! He's Ray Hartmann, founder and former Commodore-in-Chief of Riverfront Times!

But do you really know Ray? With RFT approaching its 30th anniversary, it recently (last Tuesday) dawned on Unreal that we don't know much about ol' Ray.

But we're betting some of you do!

So send us your Ray stories. Met Ray on the street? Bought an ad from Ray? Tell us about it! Drunkenly debated Ray? Slept with Ray? Got hit on by Ray and slapped him upside his head? We're all ears! Hell, send us your Ray photos, videotapes and hair samples!

Spill the beans to unreal@riverfronttimes.com. Include your genuine name and contact info. We promise to share the Ray lore at a future date -- and we also pledge to invite some or all respondents to our 30th anniversary/Best of St. Louis bash, scheduled for late October. (We'll invite Ray too!)

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