Look, you seem like a nice guy -- a bit of a schlub maybe, but I was too at your age. So I'm going to tell you how to get La Dolce Vita. Move in a little closer. Are you ready? Here's the secret: It's not the money. No, seriously, the money has nothing to do with it. It's this -- the 2005 Riverfront Times Performing Arts Guide. Look, buddy, don't just snatch it out of my hand; they give these things away for free, you know. But having the Guide is only half of the secret, and it's the easy half at that.
You see, for the Performing Arts Guide to work its magic on you, you actually have to use it. Read it. Study it. Underline the events that appeal to you, mark the dates down in your calendar -- and then, when the time comes, attend the events.
Simple, right? So simple even an idiot could do it. Yeah, but will you do it? You will if you want to nourish your soul. And a healthy, well-fed soul is the wellspring of the beautiful life. Look at you right now: You're dressed as if you're the bastard son of a Slipknot groupie and a rodeo clown. I don't know if that's a haircut or the poorly tanned pelt of a dyspeptic gopher. And you smell like three-day-old pea soup. A steady diet of reality TV, video games and rehashed movies have stunted your soul and left you with that shell of a body. Have you ever seen James Brown perform live? How about Bill Frisell? Can you look me in the eye and tell me what it's like to experience the phantasmagoric power of Berlioz's Te Deum? Do you know that if I play my cards right I'm going to see Urinetown, Bat Boy and Our Town in the space of three weekends? I got ants in my pants and they make me want to dance! My days are plump with art and passion and life itself -- the Tree of Life sways low under a bounty of fruit, and that Tree grows in St. Louis. Take advantage of it. And for God's sake, get a haircut.
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