The Mississippi Mirror 

Unreal takes a local celeb inside our actor's studio, browses for Star Trek figurines and says hello to "The Pampered Queer."

When thespian Jeff Fischer asks whether his hometown of Creve Coeur still exists, Unreal is sorely tempted to call bullshit. After all, the Parkway Central grad was just here in November. His family never left.

Fischer's flack wanted him to talk about upcoming projects, but we were fixated on his current role in Fox's animated series American Dad! In the show, which chronicles the family life of an ultra-conservative CIA agent named Stan Smith, Fischer plays a scruffy stoner who dates Smith's eighteen-year-old daughter, Hayley.

The character's name? Jeff Fischer.

Fischer says he basically plays himself. Which is to say: a tree-hugging type imbued with "bright-eyed optimism."

Unreal: How many bong hits do you take before tape starts rolling?

Jeff Fischer: I only wish. But I'm not a method actor.

Do you drive a hybrid?

I don't, but I have a very teeny car. I have a Mini [Cooper]. And I get 38 miles to the gallon.

So you're not a protester dude?

I am. My last protest was the war in Iraq. I was out on the street. I write a lot of letters and I'm a member of True Majority.

As the character Jeff Fischer, what's it like to live in a van?

Oh, it's amazing. You have everything in front of you. You can go anywhere you want. You have your surfboard on the roof, and you can hit the waves every morning.

What's it like to crap in a can?

Takes a little getting used to.

How many have you crapped in?

More than a few. When you're living on baked beans, you always have them ready.

And you like to date teenage women?

[Laughs, (a lot). ] Oh, yes. The younger the better. Hayley was the youngest girl I've ever dated. It did turn me on that she was a stripper for a while.

Is she liberal or conservative in bed?

Completely liberal.

Like?

Well, she still won't let me bring any other girls in. But believe me, she's a dirty talker.

What would you tell an aspiring St. Louis lad who'd like to grow up and be a voiceover artist that gets to do it with a teenage cartoon?

Oh, my God. This is going the wrong way, this conversation. That sounds so — what's the word? Criminal — I have no answer to that. I'm passing. Sorry, darling.



Mississippi Mirror

Cahokia Mounds' status as a World Heritage Site, a designation it earned from the United Nations two decades ago, is belied by its surroundings. To get there from the east, visitors must pass a giant flea market, a huge flooring company showroom, warehouses and an abandoned gas station. From the west they pass a race track, a handful of seedy bars and a trailer park. Buying more of the surrounding properties would not only preserve important archeological sites, it would make this underappreciated jewel a more attractive destination. The mounds, and the impressive interpretive center built there, could be an economic engine for a part of the region that has struggled with poverty and pollution.

from the St. Louis Post Dispatch, February 20, 2006

The Gateway Arch's status as a national monument, a distinction it earned from the National Park Service four decades ago, is belied by its surroundings. To get there from the east, visitors must pass East St. Louis, a garish nightclub billboard promoting dollar shots and a Slayer cover band; scores of abandoned riverfront warehouses with cracked windows and feces-strewn sidewalks, an empty office building that resembles an air traffic control tower, and an all-but-abandoned riverfront held hostage by a bankrupt casino and scores of barely legal inebriates from the county.

From the west they pass a double-wide masquerading as an Amtrak station, a baseball stadium, a handful of seedy bars, half-empty shopping malls and a pair of disco-era highrises that make Cabrini-Green look like the Trump Tower. Encouraging cohesive, mixed-use development on more of the surrounding properties would make this underappreciated jewel a more attractive destination — for St. Louis residents. The Arch, and the impressive interpretive center built there, could be an economic engine for a part of the region that has struggled with poverty and desertion.



Somebody Buy My Crap

Item: Star Trek action figures and 12" Enterprise NX01

Condition: Good
Price: $25
Name/Age: Joe/21
Location: Overland
Phone: 314-867-2340
Issue: February 22

Unreal: Tell us about your Star Trek collectibles.

Joe: They're from the television show Star Trek Enterprise. I started collecting them because I was a fan of the show. But now they take up too much space. I'd rather have cash in my pocket.

But in selling all your Star Trek stuff, aren't you at all worried that when the Enterprise lands on Earth, the crew of the ship will have no way of identifying you as friend or foe?

Uh, I don't know how to answer that. I just collected the stuff. I bought them cheap on eBay and at Target.

During their time controlling the galaxy, who do you think bagged more extraterrestrial female life forms? Captain Jonathan Archer, Captain Jean-Luc Picard or the original out-of-this-world hunk, Captain James Kirk?

Heck, I don't know. Jean-Luc Picard?

Is that because of his strong, dimpled chin and the way he crams that huge ray gun in those tights?

I'll defer to you on that one.

Who would win in a fight to the death: Kirk or Luke Skywalker?

Who the hell cares? Besides they would never fight, 'cause Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far, far away and Star Trek is off in the future.

What about time travel?

Look, I don't know. So how many of these action figures can I put you down for?

We're just browsing. Thanks.

From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.



Local Blog O' the Week

"The Pampered Queer"

housepixels.com/jimblog

Author: Jim Campbell

About the blogger: Jim is a gay St. Louisan who enjoys reality TV, the Cure and Wynonna Judd.

Recent Highlight (February 15): Does anyone know that the Olympics are going on in Italy? Does anyone care? It seems to me that they are just going unnoticed. Not that I am in a big flag waving, chest pumping mood myself, its just that these Olympics should be a bigger deal. I myself quite enjoy watching the women's Ice Hockey team — they play a good game. Except for the Canadian team blowing everyone out of the ice rink, they are fun to watch.

I also enjoy watching the men's speed skating, the skiing, and even the luge. One sport that even I cannot stomach is the "ice dancing." This is the gayest sport ever and it should be wiped from existence. The only reason people watch this big steaming pile of crap is to see the gay men fall and then cry afterwards. I know I am going to be shunned by my gay brethren, but my tastes lean more to watching the hot guys in skintight clothes go really fast. Like Ted Ligety, he won a gold medal for downhill skiing and he is smoking hot!

Anyhoo, so the VP, "Dick" Cheney went and shot someone in Texas and nothing is being done about it. String that motherfucker up! He is guilty of something — I guess I have to be the one to figure it out. How is it, that this motherfucker can shoot someone, there is no alcohol testing done and we are all supposed to go on with our day like nothing has happened? This asshole shot someone!

All Clinton did was get a blowjob from a ho and he got impeached! Does noone else see the irony? So now Cheney the schmuck can shoot someone, not tell anyone about it until two days later and we should all be ok with this. This is the final straw! Put that big giant asshole behind bars with the rest of his friends. Sheesh! Maybe I should go down my street — to do some pheasant hunting — "accidentally" shoot someone and then act like it is no big deal. Oh the irony.

I would go on more, but it is time for me to go have lunch with my hot boyfriend. Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog?

Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

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