"I'd like gay men to find me stylish and straight men to find me attractive, but no matter what I think, I'm just glad I don't have a dick to worry about."
Laborer, Atlas Temporary Agency
"I whack off twice a week -- at least -- and my dick gets hard when I do it. So I don't really have a problem with that. And in my current state of mind, that's all the sex I'm wanting."
Slot-Floor Person, Rio Hotel, Las Vegas
"Viagra -- simple. I don't know what guys did years ago, before Viagra. Honestly, I feel sorry for them."
Over-the-Top Singer/Songwriter/Guitar Maniac
"I'm too drunk to answer that question."
Rear Guard, Banana Bicycle Brigade
"I work at the VA Medical Center, and I hand out erectile aids -- you know, the pumper-upper -- to the, uh, deflated vets. It's more for the female, they tell me. It makes the female happy. Well, all right then. They're given out in a brown paper. If you see a guy walking out the door of the medical center with a smile on his face and a brown bag in his hand, you're seeing another satisfied vet."
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