Free Agent
"I'm praying it won't happen to me -- ever -- and I'm making sure my penis is healthy and well fed."
Bridgette Weible
Aspiring Novelist
"I'd like gay men to find me stylish and straight men to find me attractive, but no matter what I think, I'm just glad I don't have a dick to worry about."
Alan Waddle
Laborer, Atlas Temporary Agency
"I whack off twice a week -- at least -- and my dick gets hard when I do it. So I don't really have a problem with that. And in my current state of mind, that's all the sex I'm wanting."
Emmett Gates
Slot-Floor Person, Rio Hotel, Las Vegas
"Viagra -- simple. I don't know what guys did years ago, before Viagra. Honestly, I feel sorry for them."
Mojo Nixon
Over-the-Top Singer/Songwriter/Guitar Maniac
"I'm too drunk to answer that question."
Heidi Lebish
Rear Guard, Banana Bicycle Brigade
"I work at the VA Medical Center, and I hand out erectile aids -- you know, the pumper-upper -- to the, uh, deflated vets. It's more for the female, they tell me. It makes the female happy. Well, all right then. They're given out in a brown paper. If you see a guy walking out the door of the medical center with a smile on his face and a brown bag in his hand, you're seeing another satisfied vet."
