"I used to have a big, fat, hoosiery gut and little kids always accused me of being pregnant. Typically I'd be shopping at Schnuck's and some brat would come up and ask me when was my baby due, and then try to touch my stomach. After a while, I decided it was time for some definite lifestyle changes. Today I eat a whole lot better, exercise more, and I've downsized to my first trimester."
"Driving too slowly. It's been called mopering, and I do it a lot in Colorado because of the roads, they just deserve the respect that mopering gives them. My brother-in-law once said -- 'cause I was following them up the mountain road where they live -- 'Well, by the time she gets up here, she'll be collecting her Social Security check.' It's a family joke, the way I drive. I've frustrated a lot of people, but sorry, I can't be in a hurry for anybody."
St. Louis Police Officer
"I always get accused of being able to eat way too much and never gaining a pound. I never grew past five-foot-two nor ever got any wider than a beanpole."
"That's a good question: I got accused of trespassing in the Peabodys [projects] Saturday morning -- got the summons right here in my pocket -- and I wasn't even there! I guess it was an excuse just to give me trouble, a lot of cops do. You know, I'm 51 years old and that's the first time I been accused of something I didn't do. Oh, I been accused of stuff I did with my wife, you know how that goes."
Janie "Just Janie"
"Oh, I'm supposedly inconsiderate because I'm always late. But, you know, it's never my fault -- none of my clocks are right."
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