"I guess the most trouble you can get into is mouthin' off to cops. They don't like that, not at all, but it does make me feel better."
Professional Punching Bag
"We were in the pub one night, and a group of young guys came in dressed like 'N Sync. One guy looked like Nick Carter. I leaned in to him and said he was pretty enough to kiss -- I grew up in Australia; that's bar talk there! A bit later, he came up and cold-cocked me. I ended up with two black eyes! My wife took care of him, had him on the floor with her boot heel on his neck. But come on! You gonna come in looking like 'N Sync, you've gotta be willing to take a little teasing, right?"
Owner, Pizza World
"I once managed the children's department at Neiman Marcus in Chicago, and one day I saw this rather large woman looking at baby clothes. She looked like she was due in about two months. So I walked over and asked her, 'When's the happy event?' And she said, 'What event? I'm not pregnant!' So now I never ask anybody if they're pregnant any more, because they might just be fat."
Bartender, Farotto's/Drummer, Earl
"Well, my big mouth volunteered to sell beads at Mardi Gras for a couple of years, which is not the way to celebrate Mardi Gras -- all your friends running around partying while you're working. But the benefit was lots of flashing. Women love their beads. It was a big boob bonanza."
"I get bawled out for passing on messages that're private and sometimes for bad-mouthing people -- I think I made someone afraid of me. But I don't always know what I'm saying. Things just come wrong ever since I broke my teeth."
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