Whoever said 2017 sucked? A bunch of ingrates, that's who. Over here at the RFT
, we had no problem coming up with a veritable Cahokia mound of things to be grateful for.
Here's what we're saying thank you for this Thanksgiving.
— We are thankful that we can get to most of the places we want to go around here in about ten minutes, give or take. Oh, and we're no more than a half hour away from Deliverance
— Related: Commenters on our stories remain utterly unashamed about letting everyone know exactly who they really are. Honesty can be so ... illuminating.
— We're thankful Stan Kroenke bought the entire St. Louis Rams team and then ate them and their uniforms. A fitting end.
— We're thankful the sales tax is going up because if the police don't get raises today, they may not be around to tear gas us tomorrow
. Glass half full, kids.
— Also, we are thankful that police got their taxpayer-funded pay raise before
the FBI opened an investigation into their civil rights abuses against taxpaying citizens
. Wouldn't it have been embarrassing if we'd approved that after
that news came out?
— We're grateful for that massive citronella fire that engulfed a south city warehouse last week. Yeah, we're all inhaling particulates
, but at least we may get a break from mosquitoes next year?
— We're thankful that Eat-Rite Diner may yet live on
. 'Nuff said!
— We are thankful that the RFT
offices moved far from the Loop before that old-timey side-mirror-removing-machine finally lurched into being
some 1,000 years after it was initially projected to do so.
— We're thankful for the technological advances that make videotaping those in authority
as easy as whipping out our smartphones and hitting "record." What a piece of work is man — and how wonderful that tape always seems to be rolling
, thereby allowing gadflies and pesky reporters to prove it
— We are thankful for Jeff Roorda, who can consistently be counted on to give the wrong take on everything
, making doing the right thing as easy as adhering to the polar opposite of whatever it is Roorda said.
— We are grateful that those cows who escaped from the slaughterhouse found themselves a happy ending
. They suggest there may be hope for us all.
— We are thankful for the Lion's Choice food truck
. Finally, lion meat on the go!
— We're thankful that Governor Greitens had the good sense to save us from ourselves with that whole minimum wage increase
. We probably would have spent those unfathomable riches on dumb stuff like food and gas instead of guns anyway.
— We're grateful there are consequences for using the federally regulated airwaves to spew hateful racial slurs on a consistent basis. Isn't it good to know we live in an era when hate speech simply won't be tolerated? [Editor's note: Fact-check this
— Finally, we're grateful for Kevin
. He made us laugh, he made us vaguely concerned about his well-being, he made us laugh some more, and then he served us some damn good pizza. Would that we could say the same for all of our neighbors!