Someone Keeps Putting Their Mustache on St. Louis' Balls

Someone Keeps Putting Their Mustache on St. Louis' Balls
Here in St. Louis, we're really fond of decorating our balls.

We are referring, of course, to the large traffic-calming concrete spheres that were installed in several intersections on Compton Avenue in late 2017. (Get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert.)

At first, St. Louis residents were mostly just concerned that our massive balls (alternatively known as Slay Balls and Ingrassia Balls, after the alderwoman who brought them) were constantly getting in the way. Then a kind woman knitted a giant hat with which to warm our balls in these frigid winter months. Then just a couple weeks ago a snail trail was left in the area — predictable, considering the remarkable size of these huge balls.

Throughout it all, though, some St. Louis citizen has repeatedly deigned to actually put their mustache on our balls. It seemed a little odd at first, but ultimately we decided we like it.

Mention of a mustache adorning one of the spheres first cropped up in a KMOV story on Valentine's Day about St. Louisans decorating our balls with hearts for the holiday (romantic!).

"At the intersection of Compton and Shenandoah, several structures are covered in hearts with Mardi Gras decorations and one with a mustache," reported KMOV.

Then, when Monsieur Escargot arrived on the scene, one of the balls in the background of our photo could be seen sporting googly eyes — and a mustache.

A side-by-side comparison of the mustache in KMOV's report and the one that is on the ball as of March 9 leads Riverfront Times' Ball Researchers to conclude that they are very likely the same mustache. The sharpie lines are too similar to deny. However, given that said mustache is made of cardboard, it simply defies credulity to believe it has stood up to the elements, completely uncovered, for more than three weeks without assistance.

This can lead us to only one conclusion: Someone out there is repeatedly putting their mustache on our balls. The question is: Who? And for what purpose?

In case you haven't yet noticed, the dedicated professionals at the RFT are 100 percent here for every possible twist and turn in the saga of St. Louis' humongous balls. If you have a tip about our balls, or any good pictures of them, please do not hesitate to reach out.

(The concrete ones, you creep! We're obviously talking about the concrete ones. Man, you guys can be so immature sometimes.)

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About The Author

Daniel Hill

Daniel Hill is editor at large for the Riverfront Times and he demands to be taken seriously, despite all evidence to the contrary. Follow him on Twitter at @rftmusic.
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