The Divine Mr. M

Metrosexuality is for the birds

Aug 25, 2004 at 4:00 am
FRI 8/27

Metrosexuality is a scourge that must be stopped. Metrosexuality is a godsend that has vastly improved the dynamic of male-female relationships. The debate over the merits of metrosexuality has reached critical mass, thanks to John Kerry's Botox/ eyebrow-wax makeover and George W. Bush's denim and squinty-eyed lifestyle. According to IPW Marketing's research, 17 million men feel some pressure to join the metrosexual cult, erroneously believing that's what women want -- but this same research also indicates that only 6 percent of the female population wants a metrosexual man.

Mr. Night is a man; Ms. Day is a woman. This research raised hackles on both sides of the office and resulted in spirited debate about what women want -- and what men are willing to do to fulfill a woman's desires.

Mr. Night: I feel no pressure to be a pretty man. I haven't bathed in three days.

Ms. Day: That's apparent. And you're also wearing that too-small high school concert T-shirt with pit stains. Do you think that's what turns the ladies on?

I got no idea what ladies want. That's why I, uh, "read" Hustler.

Is that where you learned about back hair? I don't think so.

Leave my man-pelt out of this. I was born on a mountain and raised in a cave; drinking and fighting is all I crave!

So you've never, ever, even once craved a massage from an actual masseuse, not someone of the lady-of-the-evening variety?

You leave Momma Night out of this!

One day, natural selection will take care of the likes of you, your bad "momma" jokes and your jagged, unpedicured toenails.

If you too have a vested interest in metrosexuality, attend the free Save the Regular Guy Man-Over Challenge at 9 p.m. at the Trainwreck Saloon (314 Westport Plaza; 314-576-2727 or Here, metro will be set against metro as the lads are challenged to a contest of "regular guy" wit and fashion, with Consort (makers of hair-care products for men, ironically) regulators stripping the metros of their fancy clothes and jewelry, bedecking them instead in the jeans, T-shirts and sports-team caps of the regular man. Then comes the regular-guy fashion show (fashion shows are not very regular-guy, by the way, unless they are preceded by the word "lingerie") and a hundred bucks for the winning convert. It could be you, fancypants. -- Ms. Day & Mr. Night

I'm Not a Playa
I Just Crush a Lot

SAT 8/28

Contrary to popular belief, the free Crush Festival at Les Bourgeois Vineyards in Rocheport, Missouri (just west of Columbia, off Interstate 70), is not an event where you secretly invite your crush to meet you (although we suppose you could do that if you want). It's actually a grape-crushing and harvest festival, so roll up those pant legs and take a little drive (two-ish hours) out to the winery's A-frame bluff-top wine garden. The stomping starts at 1 p.m. and continues until sunset, along with the Bait Shop Boys' live music. The kids' activities, including a cork toss but no wine, end at 5 p.m. Visit or call 573-698-3401 for more info. -- Alison Sieloff

Faulk 'n' Drunks

FRI 8/27

Is there anything more intoxicating than drinks served up by celebrities? We think not. Star-struck horndogs and Monday-morning quarterbacks alike should head to the Clark Street Grill at the Westin St. Louis (811 Spruce Street; 314-621-2000) after 10 p.m. for the chance to be served by Marshall Faulk. That's right, the Rams' star running back will be mixin' and pourin' after the game just for you, sports fans! We can't promise he'll know how to make that Cowboy Cocksucker, but it's worth five bucks at the door to find out. All proceeds go to his Marshall Faulk Foundation, so prove Mom wrong; your getting drunk really can help underprivileged kids! -- Mia York

Explosion at the Foundry

The Foundry Art Centre, a relatively new gallery in Old St. Charles (520 North Main Center; 636-255-0270), opens its fall season with a three-fer of shows: The Profession of Art: A Mid-Career Show, Commercial Art vs. Fine Art and Gloria Goellner: A Retrospective. Of the three shows, the Commercial Art vs. Fine Art exhibit seems the most intriguing, as it follows the process of creating art for a specific commercial endeavor as opposed to creating for oneself. Participating artists Jason Dowd (pictured work), Michael Kilfoy and Michael Bauermeister provide "exploded views" of art for commerce jobs, depicting the process from conception to final project. All of the exhibitions kick off with a 6 p.m. reception on Friday, August 27, and remain on display through October 10. -- Paul Friswold